[1]English Translation: Heaven Is Not Aleph-Null: A Correction of Pascal’s Wager via Orders of Infinity
Pope Leo XIV1
1 Da Pope
Abstract
Before I begin dis paper let us pray. Gahd is good. Gahd is great. May we thank set theory which is great. Amen, Go Bears. Hello again, I’m da math pope and I think it’s about time we update a long-standing theological concept: Pascal’s Wager. Now, Blaise, he’s a good guy ya know, but he’s not da Pope. Also, there’s been a lot of advances in decision and set theory since he drew dat square on a napkin almost 500 years ago. Almost more advances I’m about to see in this Bears game. It’s been a long time since Decision theory has been applied to theology. Pascal did it dirty you guys. He drew a square on a napkin and didn’t even compare different religions. In dis paper we’re gonna include all of da main religions across da world. After ya analyze da outcomes like we did, Catholicism still comes out on top. BOOM ROASTED! Islam is a close second with their competing infinite heaven but theirs is a countably infinite heaven compared to our infinite Catholic heaven.
Keywords: Heaven, Hell, Decision Theory, Infinity, Countably Eternal Damnation, Heaven Countability, Catholicism, Mormonism, Islam, Judaism, Valhalla, Hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism, Scientology, all those other ones
1. Introduction
I didn’t want to write dis paper but I gotta. Some people need to be rationally convinced into faith. Da other day a poor man walked into my pope office and asked a question that slipped past all da priests, den all da bishops, and den all da cardinals, and now he’s here! He was afraid of all da bad hells out der and he asks me. “Can I quickly convert to Islam to get into Islam heaven before being bravely halberded by a Swiss guard to get into Valhalla and den yous gives me last rights and forgives me for Catholic heaven? I feel like there’s a Tithing amount that could make this happen if ya know what I mean. I have faith, but I wana cover my bases.”
No No No no No NO No NOO no NO NO! I decree that this plan is heresy and will land ya a one-way ticket via Chicago-O’Hare to eternal damnation Amen. I stamped it with my pope ring [1]. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
2. Background
Okay, we’re gonna do a quick rundown on which infinities are bigger than da other and which religions have what afterlife and how ya get der. Dat’s when you guys will realize dat if you’ll just be a good Catholic, you’ll qualify for 70% of good afterlives automatically and dat’s a papal guarantee [2]!
[2] If you believe in da trinity like I do, Gahd is a They/Them grammatically speaking. I changed it in my last paper [6] so stop @’ing me about it
2.1 Infinity
Gahd is infinite, but what type of infinite are they[1]? There are two types of infinity we’ll discuss in dis paper; der’s countable and der’s uncountable infinity not too hard to remember. We’ll call that because da mathematicians can’t decide what aleph number that is as far as I can tell [3]. Now I try and avoid paradoxes when I’m talkin about Gahd. That’s why I always use Zermelo-Fraenkel Set Theory (ZFC) where C stands for da Axiom of Choice which we will take because we have da freedom allowed to us by Jesus Christ [4]! Now I know what you guys’s are thinkin…why would da pope use ZFC which would prevent defining Gahd as da Universal set? Isn’t Gahd omnipresent? Nice try Satan! That would imply that everything is Gahd which is Pantheism and a Heresy [5]!
“Oh, da depth uh da riches of da wisdom an’ knowledge uh Gahd! How ya can’t figger out what he’s doin’, an’ good luck tryin’ ta search his judgements cause der unsearchable!”—Romans 11:33 New Chicago Version (NCV)
Now, what does Romans have to do with how infinite Gahd is? For a set of numbers to be countably infinite, they must be mappable to da set For instance, all integers are countable as are all rational fractions as you can see below. All ya gotta do is be able to count em! Dis is da same reason nobody can ever explain what da Bears are doin on third-and-long. Unsearchable. Beyond human reason [7].
Now if Romans is to be trusted, and Romans is part of da infallible word of Gahd so quit calling it fallible [8], Gahd is unsearchable meanin ya can’t map em to an set of numbers! I’d say that’s a pretty good sign they’re at least greater dan .
2.2 Does Gahd prove da Continuum Hypothesis?
No, now we don’t know if Gahd’s set is between and . Don’t ask me, because it’s not in da bible [9] and it’s not important! If it becomes important, I’ll make something up like last time [10]!
2.3 Decision Theory
This one’s easy you guys. Pascal had this one right da first time, it just wasn’t big enough. We’re gonna take all da afterlives of all da religions N and make an NxN matrix where N is da number of religions we can fit on a page of this paper. Da table row will represent reality and da column will represent belief. Then we’ll just pop in da resulting afterlife of your decision A(b|r). Da resulting expected value of a religious belief b may then be defined as:
Now normally in decision theory, it would be important to include probabilities and decide based on such that we determine defined as to pick da best . Now I would love to tell you why ; however, it doesn’t even matter when C Gahd and C-Gahd heaven , and I’ll get into that later.
2.4 Christianity
Der are three primary forms of Christian beliefs when it comes to da afterlife. There’s Catholicism/Christianity (C), der’s protestant Christianity which is also known as traitor Christianity or Wrong Christianity (WC), and finally there’s Mormonism (M) which in my opinion is Christian fanfiction. They’re harmless now but dey were up to some trouble back in da day. Have you seen American Primeval [11]? Dey was brutal back den unlike my perfect church. Now, we all believe in a heaven and hell, ya believe in Gahd, ya do yer sacriments, ya go to heaven. Now WC and M don’t believe in a purgatory like we do. WC just think you can get to Gahd da way ya are ya know? M Christians believe that there are different tiers. Ya got da Celestial kingdom for Mormons, den ya got Terrestrial kingdom for da rest of us believers. If ya don’t believe in Gahd, you may end up in da Telestial kingdom until you repent or in da Outer Darkness if ya totally reject Gahd.
2.5 Islam
In Islam (I), ya got a heaven Jannah, and a hell Jahannam. Now ya get to go to Jannah if you’re a good follower of Islam; otherwise, ya got to repent while you’re in Jahannam. Now they don’t have Purgatory, ya go to one or da other and bad Muslims go to Jahannam so ya got that to think about. It’s not a guarantee from belief, eatin crackers and drinkin wine with your local priest like we do. In Islam ya can repent at da last moment. Dis feels like trustin your season to a last-second field goal. Sometimes it works. Sometimes you’re double-doinked into eternity [12].
2.6 Judaism
Judaism (✡︎) doesn’t say a whole lot about da afterlife. At one point they developed da idea of Gehinnom which is a sort of spiritual detox zone. But really dat’s an old one and der is not a widely held belief in da afterlife.
2.7 Karma Based Hiduism (H)
Now in da mystical subcontinent, ya got all your Karma based faiths who are really sick and tired of getting reincarnated. Der’s Hinduism (H), Buddhism (B), Jainism (J), and Sikhism (S). I’m not saying that they’re all da same, BUT, dey all believe in reincarnation, Good/Bad actions (Karma) coming right back atchya in da next life or in between em, and dey all want it to end yesterday. Da end goal is just to get over yourself with da ego, pain, suffering, pleasure, and move beyond your earthly desires. I don’t know how you could give up earthly pleasure if ya got all that chicken tika masala cookin down da street!
It must be worth it, cause B want Nirvana, and da H wants Moksha, S wants Mokti, and well J I think wants me to stop puttin chicken in my tika masala. Now if yer really worried about Karma, I’d get into da J camp. They don’t even wana hurt bacteria!
2.8 Norse Mythology (N)
Norse mythology (N) wouldn’t come up very often if it weren’t for all those darn Viking shows and Thor movies. It would have disappeared with all da other Paganisms if Chris Hemsworth wasn’t so dang good lookin. Now if you’re a warrior who dies heroically in battle, ya go to Valhalla where ya get to fight, train, and feast for da end days in Valhalla. Dey must be like dat 85 unbeatable Bears line! If you’re boring but nice like me, ya go to Hel which isn’t too bad, but da oath breakers and cowards go to Niflheim.
2.9 Atheism
Atheists (A) don’t have an afterlife unless they’re da weird simulation theory atheists. Dese guys were in da last Pascals Wager, so we’ll keep da old values of 0 across da board, which coincidentally matches da emotional return on a White Sox season ticket package [13].
3. Pascals Wager Expansion
First things first, we gotta put all our into a table. Der’s a bit of notation to talk through here. Infinite Heavens and Hells notation are notated with an where da is da aleph number of da experience. Different purgatories are denoted by . Change by Karma is denoted by except for J which is so strict about Karma notation we estimate da Karma points that will be achieved given a certain belief system. Jainism deducts points for harming other creatures and it doesn’t distinguish between animals and bacteria so it’s pretty brutal. Reaching Nirvana, Mokti, Moksha, or whatever is scored as 0 for finally getting out of da spiritual rat race and merging into da cosmic existence. Of course, ✡︎ gets a across da board because is in essence a flat prior across da extended universe of possible afterlives. To evaluate each , we sum da columns for each belief multiplied by a which doesn’t matter because Christian Heavan and Hell in essence cancels it out.
4. Decision Analysis
I really hope Jainism isn’t real or we are all screwed you guys. I don’t know how many it is to eat a hot dog, but I have eaten a lot of hot dogs watching da White Sox. Now if we are judging by good behavior translating to a better outcome, I don’t believe you’re beating Jainism unless we’re all preparing for Ragnarok. Dere is no way in Niflheim a Jain monk’s ending up in Valhalla. If ya don’t believe in a faith-based afterlife salvation, ya really gotta be a good person and let me tell ya, you ain’t doin anybody any good by reading this paper, go and start a non-profit to stop human trafficking, buy mosquito nets for Africans or some other effective altruism scheme to sell more bit coins.
Da worse expected value decision across da board is Norse Paganism shortly followed by a non-violent Atheist which has no hope of getting into a good afterlife unless they’re freakin Mr. Rogers. Getting into da nuances, most Pagan encouraged behavior translates to an awful afterlife. I mean, just watch that Midsommer movie and tell me those people are goin anywhere good. They’re not! We’ve adopted all da good parts of Paganism into da catholic calendar so der’s really no reason for it outside of da comic books, video games and movies.
Finally, we got da Abrahamic religions leading da pack with their infinite heavens and hells. Now, maybe cutting dat extra skin off your wing wang and closely following da Torah will get ya into an heaven or better, I’m not sure. We don’t know and my friend Rabbi Lebeinawitzch won’t tell me either [14]. He just keeps asking me questions about being in da here and now. Like dat does me any good! Now in Mormonism and Islam, you can make a mistake and repent once ya find out ya done goofed. That’ll depend on your heart when you’re dead. I guess?
So, what’s da best Abrahamic religion judging by assuming no last-minute upset by Judaism bigger than da bears 25pt 4th quarter rally a few weeks ago against does cheese heads [15]? Now dat was a good game. Obviously, Catholicism, and I’m da number one expert on Catholicism as I have been elected by a bunch of cardinals for my math skills and holiness so let me tell ya why.
Number 1: da Aleph number description of Christian heaven is greater than da Aleph number of Islamic heaven. Der is some talk about Mormon and Islamic heaven being greater if you are of da elite but dat’s a big if. Who is in da elite? Do you get to decide, or is it some political rat race? Coming from someone who just finished their political-religious rat race, ya don’t wana do it. Both da hells are countable at , meaning each day is about as same as da last. Now Islamic heaven is indeed a heaven but there’s no way it’s more than . Ya don’t get closer to Gahd like ya do in Christian Heaven. Now as ya get closer to Gahd, your enjoyment must become uncountable as Gahd is uncountable like we explained with Romans 11:33! Therefore, Catholic heaven is da best.
Number 2: Catholic heaven can get ya out of some purgatory. There’s a purification ritual that a lot of Abrahamic religions conveniently ignore. Now I’m not saying you’re not going to purgatory. I’m going to purgatory and I’m da pope! I’m sayin, follow your local priest and purgatory won’t be as bad. Stick with me and Catholicism and we can make it quick and easy. Just go to confessions, keep going to mass to take communion, be nice, and you’ll be through in no time!
5. Conclusion
Catholicism always wins! Now if you’re a rational thinker like I think you are for making it through this paper, I believe you’ll make da right choice, get baptized, have some communion, go to confession and follow all da tenets of da world’s best religion. I would love it if ya got some faith too along da way but you would be an idiot to deny these numbers! I’m da math pope and this is now canon.
References
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Non Est Duplex Postmortem Accessus: There Ain’t a Two-for-One Afterlife Deal :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Catholicismus Ut Hedge Fund Soteriolgicus: Catholicism as a Diversified Salvation Portfolio :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Meditationes Papales Super : Da Pope watches math videos about infinity until 3 in da morning :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Liberum Arbitrium et Axioma Electionis: Jesus Says We Can Choose Sets :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 De Periculo Universi Aggregati: Why God is Not the Set of Everything :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 De Trinitate Sancta ut Varietate Topologica Trium Dimensionum: On the Holy Trinity as a 3-Dimensional Topological Manifold :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Cur Non Currimus: Why Don’t We just Run the Ball? :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Contra Peer Review Redditorum: Against Internet Theologians :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 De Hypothesi Quam Scriptura Ignorat: God Didn’t Mention It :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Purgatorium Est Turing-Completum: On the Turing Completeness of Purgatory :: Official Papal Decree
- American Primeval :: Netflix
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Procrastinatio Est Peccatum: Ask Any Student :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 De Spe, Iterum Fracta: Every Year :: Official Papal Decree
- Pope Leo XIV 2025 Quaestiones, Non Responsa: Classic Rabbi Move :: Official Papal Decree
- How coach Ben Johnson urged the Bears to rally a win ‘a game we’ll never forget’ Chicago Sun Times Patric Finley Jan 2026
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