Galactic Federation Behind the 2008 Financial Crisis

You know it’s the 2020 finale when the world finds out that the US government has been hiding extra terrestrial members of the Galactic Federation in an underground bunker on mars. What a way to end a block buster year. With the sudden appearances of the monoliths, which actually turned out to just be poop, we were all expecting news like this. Even more have come forward to speak openly about our inter galactic visitors. From a reliable but anonymous source, we have learned that the Galactic Federation has actually been the true cause of the 2008 financial crisis!

“During the 1960s and 70s the US government was extremely close to tracking and capturing one of the alien vehicles. That’s when the galactic federation contacted the US government,” our source explained. Apparently the extra terrestrial race did not expect humanity to have the aerial surveillance technology at that time. They did not count on the red scare to create so many advanced radar towers for early warning ICBMs. “The federation representative Ba’jan explained to Nixon and Kissinger in the oval office why their existence could not be known to humanity…” As you all know by now Earths scientists have to figure out space and time or something. Apparently 26 seasons of Dr. Who is still not enough.

“Ba’jan still wanted to trade with earth to help speed up the evolution process and show good faith,” our source explained. When we asked what the Nixon administration traded for, we couldn’t believe it. “Ba’jan said we have all the necessary technology and resources to develop interplanetary space travel for ourselves but didn’t have the economic know how to fund it.” At the time of the meeting, the American economy was getting wrecked with inflation and high unemployment, no one knew how to get it under control. “That’s when Ba’jan made the deal to send in economic specialists for 1,000 head of cattle annually. They really liked beef which I guess is why they kept abducting cattle.”

1000 head of cattle for Galactic Federation annual payment

That was the deal, economic secrets for prime USDA beef. What could go wrong? Through the 70’s American fixed its inflation problem, that’s when the alien influence really set us up for our housing crisis. “They sent this one dude from some planet in Andromeda named Prozo Galok. Now I never got along with Galok, you can ask anyone who worked under the Clinton administration, we got into a lot of fights,” the economics advisor reminisced. “The problem we had in the 70s was all that inflation with the high unemployment and we fixed that. Inflation that high and you can’t get investors to do anything because there’s no reason to invest. When that was over Galok kept pushing and pushing to heavily leverage all of our banking systems.”

Oh don’t worry, he said, we have the power of the fed and we can borrow at super low rates if anything goes wrong. Apparently, you can’t get enough technology for real space travel if you don’t force the banks to over lend.” Our source complained. “I don’t know where Galok got off but I believe there is an optimal bank leverage ratio that can get us to the next star system without creating a dangerous liquidity trap!”

Typical foreclosed house during 2008 housing crisis
Typical home foreclosed due to Prozo Galok’s shadow banking policies

Decade after decade, America struggled to get the political capital to even start a moon base or Mars and the liquidity trap just kept growing. “That blue bastard was all gas and no breaks. Galok kept pushing, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I quit my advisory role in 2005. My guess is he was so obsessed with driving investors to finally start experimenting more in quantum computing that he didn’t see the huge housing bubble he accidentally created in the process.”

With our source out of the loop when it all went down in 08, there’s no telling what dangerous economic practices Galok may be currently pushing on our banking system. Apparently you can’t be a type III civilization without taking some serious global financial risks. Let’s just hope we can get a man to Mars before the Galactic Federation ruins America’s monetary base.

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Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

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