If you’re like me, you might be freaking out about all these 5G signals. In most locations, these 5G towers are luckily only under construction and not operational. We don’t even know what it will do to everyone and it’s not exactly something you can take vitamins for! Even worse, what is it going to do to all your electronic devices? There’s no telling what spyware they’re going to fit into all that extra bandwidth. Additionally, if you’re still sporting a Nokia brick phone like myself you may have concerns about its’ robustness in such a busy spectrum. Yeah, it might last a few hours close to a 5G tower, but overnight it just might fry those early 00’s circuits! Luckily you aren’t powerless to protect yourself and your devices from these mysterious waves traveling through the air.
[DISCLAIMER] This is a parody science website. We normally don’t have to explicitly mention this, but it appears that there are a lot of people browsing this particular article and are sincerely worried about 5G technology that don’t seem to be getting the joke. If you believe you are suffering from health problems from this, please see a doctor. [DISCLAIMER]
There are a few solutions and many of them involve something called a Faraday Cage. How on earth does that work? Faraday Cages shield its contents from outside electro-magnetic waves. Now, it can’t just be any cage, the metal mesh holes have to be smaller than the wavelength of the signal you want to block. We tried figuring out what wavelength to expect for 5G and what holes would work for what wave but we had no success. We couldn’t even figure out how to integrate all of Maxwell’s Equations either so we really just had to guess. After a small amount of research we discovered that microwaves block the harmful radiation with a faraday cage on the door so we tested our phones inside a microwave and that metal grate worked to stop every cell signal we tried. If you want to try it at home, be sure to learn from our mistake. you don’t have to turn the microwave on to activate the cage. With that very important background out of the way, here are some ways to block those dangerous signals.
1. Dog Kennels
An easy way to protect yourself and your electronics at night is to just sleep in a dog kennel. Many of these cages are roomy enough for all of your electronics and even yourself. This is one of the cheapest options to keep those signals out of your phone and body at night when there’s a good chance they’ll do the most damage. You may want to keep up with the news because if the 5G signals in your area are low enough frequency, you may have to reinforce the cage with more metal to stop all those waves. Just be sure to buy the larger model kennel if you’re expecting any luck at your favorite bar!
2. Bird Cage
So you’re going out and about and you don’t have enough room in your hatchback for a full dog kennel to put your devices in. A easy solution is a bird cage! These don’t only have enough space for phones and pads but are easily accessed with a front door. Every car in my family has a bird cage now and they all have enough room for everyones cell phones and Nintendo Switches. Do be careful, there are many bird cages which are actually made with plastic and may not stop the 5G! The cage must be metal because of all the free electrons or whatever it is that absorbs the Electro-Magnetic energy because of all the science.
3. Cover your Home in Aluminum Foil
One of the more expensive but safer options is to cover your home in aluminum foil. If you want to stay in your home and you want to be able to use your own electronics and not sleep in a dog cage, better make some trips to the store because you’re going to need a lot of aluminum foil to cover that suburban home. Because the foil is solid metal you don’t even have to worry about the wavelength of the 5G signals because it’ll block them all. The best part of the aluminum foil method is that wifi will still work in your home through any normal LAN line. The downsides, other than the cost and constant repair, is the amount of light reflected on the neighborhood won’t make you any friends.
4. Go to Prison
So you got caught stealing aluminum foil, that’s nothing to worry about. The metal bars and thick concrete of most modern prisons are great blockers of 5G signals. However, if your cell bars are too far apart you may have to sleep away from the window or trade cigarettes for a metal grate or aluminum foil. Just because you’re doing time doesn’t mean you can’t keep yourself safe from electro-magnetic harm.
5. Adapt Your Phone to work from a LAN Line
Maybe you’re not worried about your health and you’re just worried about your phone, but you want to keep all that functionality. It’s no problem with adapters. For iphone and android users, just get a lightning or micro usb to usb adapter. Then a usb to HDMI adapter. Then an HDMI to VGA adapter. Then a VGA to USB adapter. Then finally, a USB to ethernet adapter. Hardware engineers don’t know where exactly, but somewhere in between the first and second USB adapter, the ethernet messages get translated into images and then those images get translated into cell phone messages and the internet. WOW! If it doesn’t work on the first try, make sure your phone has the latest update.
6. Move to Montana
Maybe you don’t need the convenience of a city. If you’re willing to wait it out until people wake up to the dangers of 5G, you can always move to Montana or any rocky mountain state. There, you can enjoy all those legacy cell signals in peace. In the deep valleys and low populated rural towns and cities or the Rocky Mountains north of Boulder CO, it won’t be marketable to instal 5G towers for years, maybe even decades. That’s the last area in America you can wait out these pushy technology companies for years.
7. Live in a Submarine
So you have a job on a coastal town and can’t travel that far inland to a flyover state, that’s no problem. At a local doc you can purchase a submarine and outfit the inside with living quarters. The thick metal exterior is enough to stop any serious 5G signal from corrupting your phone or mind and if you really want to play it safe, just submerge every night!
8. Send out Reverse Polarized 5G Signals
Now this might be one of the more technical solutions, but if done right the best and cheapest method. Noise cancelling headphones are God’s gift to long noisy flights and they are a great method for creating a protective shield around you. First you’re going to need to buy a 5G phone. I know, you hate to support these monsters but it’s necessary for this method. Remove the microphone of the headphones and solder the 5G phone’s post amplified antennae to the remaining wire. Next you’re going to want to replace your headphone speakers to something a little more powerful. As the headphones predict what 5G signals will look like, they’ll output the exact same wave but 180 degrees out of sync. I know what you’re thinking ‘What are you crazy, you’re just exposing me to twice as many 5G signals now.’ Not quite. Because these signals are the exact same, but 180 degrees out of sync so they can cancel each other out with deconstructive interference. It’s like the signals weren’t even there! The best part? All your dumb 5G phone using friends won’t be able to use their devices when they’re nearby and they’ll never know why.
9. Outbid all the Major Phone Companies at FCC Spectrum Auctions
You better save up for this method because this can take a lot of money. The best way to win a Not In My Backyard (NIMBY) argument is to buy the land and make it your actual back yard. That’s what I did to stop all those eye sore windmills! Turns out you can do the same with 5G technology. Problem is, the signals don’t operate over land but in spectrum and it’s much tougher to buy spectrum than land. It turns out that the only reason there is enough spectrum to enact 5G is because of something called simultaneous multiple bid auctions the FCC organizes. Not long ago, most spectrum had been carefully guarded by local tv stations. Basically nobody watched those anymore so the FCC designed auctions to allow for cell phone companies to buy up all the spectrum from the outdated tv stations at fair market prices. Little did they know that we’d be able to use these auctions to stop 5G technology and replace it with even more useless applications than reruns of PBS programs! All you have to do is get a few billion dollars and a team of lawyers to force the 5G spectrum up for an auction again and blamo, there’s nothing the cell phone companies can do and you have an empire of pirate radio stations in your own slice of spectrum.
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