Truth Discovered About the Utah Monolith

For days now, the world has been perplexed about the origins of the 12ft tall metallic prism found erect in the Utah desert. Speculations ranged from it being a hoax (unlikely) to it being a warning sign that extraterrestrials were about to invade (likely). Much to the relief of the Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology (JABDE) staff, our field reporters teamed up with Cranberry-Lemon University Paranormal Excogitation Lab (Silvertown CA Campus) and discovered that the monolith is not a sign of impending doom but something slightly less terrifying. Unfortunately, JABDE had to cancel it’s pre-invasion purge/orgy party and I was this close to finally getting with Jessica.

So, where did the monolith come from? Well, it came from the sky, but from manmade origins. Our expert team from the Cranberry-Lemon Lab spent 3 days analyzing the monolith; eating next to, sleeping next to, and at times sitting on the strange object. After combing, feeling every inch of the object, and measuring with E-meters, they found the dead give away, a peanut ever so slightly projecting from the surface. It was then that our lead scientist, Dr. Meteor Burt, declared the monolith to be “just a big ‘ol frozen ball of poopie” [sic].

As part of the Boeing 737 Max upgrade program, their engineers have been experimenting with new high tech septic purging systems (reference the figure below).

Steve Halama steve3p_0, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

“This system purges the aircraft septic system once full at an extremely high rate of speed thus allowing for less weight and a better fuel economy, cruising speed, and range. One side effect of this ballistic movement is that the mass almost instantly succumbs to the effect of the -50 degree F laminar flow and freezes in the shape of our advanced sphincter-foil. And due to the high speed ejection and aerodynamic design the surface ionizes and glasses; thus the reflective appearance” — Anonymous Boeing Engineer.

We reached out for comments from Boeing. They replied that “our proprietary septic purge system saves our customers money and the environment with better fuel efficiency. Plus, at no cost, we will be providing the world with countless pieces of metallic modern art with rapid (almost instant) installation. As the flawless 737 Max begins service again in 2032, we are certain that this new feature will be appreciated”.

In the meantime, as our research team recovers from dysentery and pink-eye, it is safe to assume that this is not the last monolith to appear out of nowhere.

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Published by S Rohrenjean

S. Rohrenjean is an Aerospace Engineer who has specialized in Canard Aesthetics and Reynolds Determinacy. With essentially a minor in Business Ethics, he began his professional endeavors as an undergrad selling access to his hoard of previous semesters Aero exams. Success came easy as most Aero professors concern themselves with the internal dialog of "why didn't I become a EE?" and "EE isn't real engineering, plasma induced laminar flow will change the world!", and thus never change their exam questions. Now, as an unemployed engineer who can explain in detail every aspect of Kutta condition but can't code "hello world" in anything but Matlab, he is working on the only true career progression of an Aero Engineer, tenure track professor.

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