Sir Lord Heatherton Bumwater1
1 Earl-Duke of the Royal Society for Industrial Science Excellence Club, London
Abstract
More than ten years ago in the glorious year of our Lord 1850 under the auspices of our glorious Queen Victoria, our mighty naval excellence has discovered and mapped out the Northwest passage. Following the disastrous losses of the HMS Erebus and Terror, we persevered with McClure’s HMS Endurance to discover and claim for God and country our chilly shortcut to China. Obtaining a sea route to the Orient is the first step in securing global trade dominance. Many men have been lost discovering this sea route. Yes, indeed the passage may exist but due to the ice conditions of the passage, the risk associated with commercial vehicle travel within the confines of the straits would be unlikely to justify the length of travel to Shanghai and other oriental ports by means of the horns of Africa or South America, which are currently secured for the crown. According to a new discovery, if enough carbon is released into the atmosphere, a warming effect could be created to melt the ices of the arctic. This paper discusses and proposes the burning of coal and other carbon-based substances in mass quantities to open up this passageway for crown and glory!
Keywords: Northwest Passage, Global Warming, Sea Travel, Carbonic Air, Sun Ray Capture, English Industrial Expansion
I. Dedication
I bestow the honor of this dedication to the most gracious and beautiful Queen Victoria. May her prudence and wisdom guide her majesty’s far reaching boundless empire to dominate global trade to the end of our days. Long live the queen!
II. Introduction
The Northwest Passage is comprised of a series of straits rarely open to commercial sea vessels. It is only through the grandness of scientific inquiry that we have affixed the most advanced exploratory vessels of her majesty’s navy with the capability to make this daunting voyage. Despite being well prepared with years of provisions and high spirits, McClure’s expedition from the Western side of the passage abandoned the HMS Enterprise for an overland route to Baffin Bay where they were narrowly rescued by their ship in waiting. They became affixed to the ice pack for three winters and would not survive a fourth. Under the current conditions of the arctic, it took our finest sailors four years, two ships, and a daring over land port to make the deadly journey. Additionally, given that of the three of the most advanced ships developed by our glorious to attempt the passage and not turn back; only one crew of adventurous seamen survived the journey. At a 1/3rd success rate, the overland port and a four-year commitment to the journey it is in my well researched and thought-out professional scientific opinion that the passage is not capable of sustaining commercial sea travel at an economic rate, even if you could train the sailors.
Yes, we have confirmed that the passage is real, it is not a myth. Regardless of the dangers currently present, I cannot fathom abandoning the venture so soon. If a ship were to sail from England to Shanghai, the passage would save 3700 nautical miles if the crew were to sail around Africa. Even more admirably, the passage would save 5,100 nautical miles than sailing around South America.
III. On the Current State of the Polar Regions
Current instruments suggest that the polar arctic regions are extremely frigid. Reports from surviving sailors have shown temperatures plummet well below 0°F and rarely reaching sufficient temperatures prolonged to and forthwith in upwards of 53°F to melt pack ice such that sea-fairing vessels laden with the exquisites of the orient may traverse. For reference to those unaware of the mercury methods for measuring the temperature, ice freezes at 32°F.
The ice clings tenaciously to the straits of the Arctic Archipelago of the Americas presenting a most formidable obstacle. Science suggests that as the earth tilts away, ice builds up at an extraordinary pace as the northerner pole of the earth receives no sunlight. As the earth tilts back and points the pole to thaw her rigid northern pole, the north will experience sun for the entirety of each day.
Original estimates suggested that these prolonged days would produce more productive sailors capable of fulfilling longer workdays with shorter rest. These experiments are inconclusive but would explain why our northerly country is far more productive and industrious than our southerly neighbors during the summer. This long sunning period of the North is unfortunately not long enough to conquer the ice buildup of the winterly pack. Perhaps the ice reflects the light upwards or perhaps the arctic winds blow the heat away before melting each iceberg. Science will never know.
IV. The Virtues of Coal: A Most Salutary Substance
Prior to proceeding in this way to discuss the modest proposal of this paper, I must discuss the fount of our gaseous particles. The glory of our modern budding and technometric industrial age affords all thanks to the black crown jewel of the empire, coal. Nestled into the bosom of our great land, England possesses great abundance in coal reserves. Thanks to coal fired plants, industrious and productive factories no longer are required a wind driven or water driven machinery for productive work. Coal powered engines have begun propelling our world forward into a new age of abundance in material goods and possessions. The specifics of a coal driven factory confound the mind of the advances of science.
Thankfully, a trusted colleague, Dr. Thadius Nibbenworth of the St. Abbey’s College for wayward interlopers has graciously explained to me the innerworkings of a coal driven machine. Once the coal is set aflame, the fuliginous gyralities of the tantalium structure of the coal vesiculates, a periclitatious gas expands into the air releasing the carbonic sulfuric smoke we know and love today. Next the combustion and heat of the vinous decoctions of the material transfers heat to a holding cell of water which creates steam driving a piston powered engine.
Finally, in Elisha Foote’s On the Heat in the Sun’s Rays, measured through a mercurial thermometer and a glass vessel which I believe to be some sort of a galvanascopic type of ventrical pneumotactic measurement apparatus, it was shown that air in the presence of carbonic acid commonly produced by coal withholds the heat of the rays of the sun for much longer periods than normal atmospheric airs that you and I breath every day.
V. A Proposal: Harnessing the Heat of Industry for Global Navigation
It is true that where fuel is abundant it is wasted. Given England’s abundant coal, what if there were a second use for burning coal and other carbon-based materials? Perhaps we are enacting a tragic disservice to ourselves and the entire world by not burning more coal. As any resident of London will be aware, after coal is burned, the smoke lingers and drifts for long periods of time. My new plan which I will propose today is that we encourage more burning of coal, not just in London and other cities but around the country sides and in other countries. If enough factories around the world burn coal at the rate of London, the world may begin experiencing this effect measured by Elisha Foote in which heat is withheld by the earth for far longer. With enough heat withheld, I am confident by my professional estimates that we will melt a significant portion of the northern arctic ices plaguing the sea routes of the Northwest passages. With more heat trapped through the frigid winter, less ice will form and more will melt in the warmer summers.
VI. On the Moral and Economic Necessity of the Endeavour
Every winter, dozens of men and women die from exposure to the cold. Beyond the fatalities, hundreds of thousands of orphans and the unsheltered poor suffer under the frigid colds of the winter. If there were a technology to conquer the colder seasons globally, it would be a moral imperative to do so. Likewise, the result of opening up the Northwestern passage would better allow for Christian European influences into the Orient without the America’s in the way. It is to my understanding that the modern-day Chinese man is in wanting need of more European, and especially English, products and we want to sell it to them. They need our guidance and our economies.
VII. Predictions of a Glorious Future
Our nation is in possession of a glorious navy unmatched by any other on earth, likely for the history of humanity. If our English navy had access to the northern archipelago, currently deadly to modern sailors, there would be no ocean, sea, lake or river that could not be secured for English trade. It is now under the control of the Inuit people who would be unable to secure sea travel against Piracy or Catholic nations. Imagine if you will, that Shanghai is offered unfettered, unmolested and low risk access to the chalcidyte mines of Grimbleford or the woolen neck ties of New Whowerleburschire? Their lives and cultures would be transformed and then we would obtain a new and most grateful trading partner. Many suppose that due to the barbaric dress of the average oriental, it has become unseemly to do business with them. This could change given access to English textiles. The domestic mines and factories would then expand business and then by the laws of scale would enact an exponential boom in production driving the English industry to new unfound heights of wealth and prosperity.
VIII. An Appeal to Parliament and Industry
This dream begins with a 30 percent reduction in the length of travel between oriental markets and London. It is to my knowledge that Emperor Napoleon III of the French empire will soon be constructing a canal in Egypt linking the Mediterranean to the Indian Ocean. We cannot allow for a hostile French takeover of our colonies in the orient. I plead with parliament to begin pro-coal and pro-industry policies to greatly increase the rate at which we burn coals. Suppose that we begin accelerating our own transportive infrastructure with coal burning engines or other substances at which to release carbonic acids into the air, this global warming process could be greatly accelerated to the betterment of global trade. I would also suggest alternative methods of releasing carbon into the air such as the burnings of liquid oils. There is no guarantee England will possess enough coal to create this global warming scheme on its own.
IX. Conclusion: Progress, Providence, and Posterity
It is with great ostentatious and presumptive trepidation that I implore you readers to begin burning more coal. The future of English trading supremacy will likely depend on the atmosphere absorbing more carbonic acids for the retention of the heat of the rays of the sun as established by Foote’s groundbreaking study. Pave the way for future exploration and commerce by melting the icy north by the power of industry and opening up a new and exciting world of English industrial power.
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