Santa Claus1 Dr. Twinkles Holly-Jolly Tinselbottom 2 Dr. Jingles West-Sprinkle3
1Head Toy Delivery Executive, Kringle Enterprise, North Pole
2Head of R&D Department, Kringle Enterprises, North Pole
3Head of Kringle Enterprises Aeronautical Research, North Pole
Abstract
Ever since human society invented industrial agriculture, it has become increasingly difficult to deliver Christmas presents to all the good boys and girls of the world. Recently, this has been largely accomplished by means of Santa Cloning. This previous method is no longer a viable option as the FAA and other airspace administrators refuse to allow for all clones to use the same flight waiver above 700ft AGL. Even when you apply for your waiver on time and fill out the paperwork correctly, they still deny your argument that the waiver applies to all Santa’s even though you were going to receive your waiver before the cloning process and each Santa would be cloned with the same proper paperwork. Alternatively, delivering all of the worlds presents through one supersonic sleigh is not only infeasible, but will push reindeer well past their flight envelope into dangerously destructive levels. To avoid cancelling Christmas this year, we must turn to autonomous drone swarms. In this paper we will design a tiered drone swarm structure then analyze and discuss the results following their resoundingly successful test above the unrestricted class G Airspace of New Jersey. According to the results, Christmas…is not cancelled!
Keywords: Christmas, Drone Swarms, Travelling Salesman Problem, Flight Envelopes, Phase Shifting Drones, Atmospheric Christmas Spirit Density, Drone Command and Control, Safety of Flight, Matter Compression
1. Introduction
If there’s any lessons that have been learned from Russia’s war on the Ukraine, other than that the entire country of Russia is now on the naughty list, is that drones are capable of delivering packages on target and on time. Whether it’s a grenade, a mortal shell, or some other high explosive, Commercial off the Shelf (COTS) drones have pinpoint delivery precision to Russia’s naughty tanks and troop positions. One additional trick to using drones is that they may easily operate in unrestricted class G air space when compared to a less maneuverable reindeer guided sleigh. Additionally, I will no longer have to defeat all of the Santa Clones at the end of Christmas Day as I have for the past five Christmases to prove that I am the one true Santa Claus [1].
2. Background
In the years leading up to the Santa multiplier project, we have been increasingly pushing the envelope of our sleigh and reindeer. Although we’ve increased the lift with improved NACA 2415 sleigh airfoils to decrease the load requirements of our reindeers, it can only go so far as the one-night toy delivery mission continues to expand despite Santa’s political influence to limit human population growth for climate and toy delivery goals through our globalist agenda.
As we’ve discussed in [2] and [3], children living too close to class B, C, or D air space are not worth the fines associated with violating FAA regulations and ground delivery may be required if I’m unable to jam the airport’s air surveillance radar [4]. Needless to say, ground delivery produces even more fines as cops always pull Santa over for speeding. It’s because the sleigh is red and has flames painted on the side. As shown in figure 2, we need to primarily operate below 700-1200ft AGL which will be incredibly tough for an entire sleigh rig to operate in for house-to-house deliveries particularly in urban environments.
It won’t be easy to replace Ole St Nick’s delivery job and thankfully, this isn’t the first time autonomous drone swarms were explored for the job [5]. Previous failed attempts were made by designing a single autonomous Joint Present Delivery Fighter (JPDF) which ballooned in cost when we tried to equip the platform with all of the required functionality to complete the entire mission [6]. It was only later realized that a centralized mothership drone swarm model would be more optimal.
3. Design
To design the mothership tiered delivery drone swarm, we would require a small and agile quad copter capable of space warping a box of presents through by means of fractal light separation through a 5-30m long 4-12” wide chimney [7]. For homes that do not own a chimney, the brick through window method works just as fine [8]. Next, we must design a larger drone to act as a recharging station, a present repository, and medium range delivery option. Finally, a mother ship will act as the recharging and present storage long range delivery ship between the cities of the world and our secret off coast underwater logistics centers [9]. Additional requirements will be discussed because we will need to minimize the total fines by avoiding capture or detection when operating without an FAA waiver.
3.1 Individual Home Delivery Quads
The model PD-18 present delivery drone developed and prototyped in [10], was selected as the short-range delivery drone for its size, lift capacity, and because it could be entirely fabricated in Carbon Fiber capable of being phase shifted through a chimney. The PD-18 will be equipped with a 1x1x3ft delivery box capable of compressing a 500kg 10x30ft space down to a less than 20kg to save on drone battery using mass compression Kringle Technology™ [11].
The PD-18, in addition to the phase shifter array, will be equipped with a glass breaking piston in order to B&E into everyone’s house, apartment, or mobile home. Luckily, the gift boxes will provide enough cardboard for the homeowners to patch up each window on Christmas morning.
Each PD-18 package comes equipped with a rechargeable secondary battery to supplement the primary drone battery. With two batteries, the PD-18 has a forty-minute battery life. The internal battery lasts five minutes for the time the drone is docked with the medium sized delivery drone to receive its next package and a new battery.
3.2 SUV-Sized Octocopters
For the midrange solution, the PD-56 model drone developed in [12] was chosen. In the world of PD models, there is aeronautically a 1/(1-∂) linear relationship between the size of the drone and the number of vertical rotors where is a number. For an SUV sized drone, at least eight rotors are required to maneuver through the suburbs and cities of the world. Unfortunately, due to the energy density requirement to power such a drone, a diesel-powered motor will simultaneously drive the rotors through a complicated series of bicycle chains and recharge the generator used to charge the batteries attached to the PD-18 packages.
With a large body package size of 15x6x6ft, the PD-56 is capable of holding and equipping 180 1x1x3ft PD-18 packages when accounting for the internal PD-56 to PD-18 package feeder mechanism and delivery robotic arm. Even when docked with twenty PD-18’s, the PD-56 has a flight time of four hours with a range of 50 miles.
3.3 Triangle Mother Ship
Next, a mother ship is required to service each city by refueling and reloading each PD-56. The PD-109 can be suspended in the air indefinitely given that the earth does not run out of gravity. First theorized in [13], the discovery of anti-gravity Kringle Technology™ has been a breakthrough technology. It was developed in a collaboration between the North Pole and Cranberry Lemon researcher Hugh Mann [14-16] who said Santa is wise enough to know the truth about reality and our place in the universe among other things not cleared for this paper.
A large docking bay of PD-56 packages allow for the PD-109 to contain enough packages and diesel fuel to service over two million homes. Because of the tricky air turbulence surrounding the an anti-gravity drives, it was determined to tractor beam in PD-56’s for reservicing rather than a robotic boom arm to avoid aerial mishaps. Previous tests showed a lack of stability and a drop in lift of PD-56 rotors within a close distance to the PD-109’s three stabilizing gravity drives [17].
3.4 Ornament Orb Privacy Shield
Now some of the good little boys and girls out there can’t always wait until Christmas morning to see what they are getting. We are aware that many curious kids out there will wait all night looking at the sky with their camera phones and telescopes hoping to catch a glimpse of their presents. This is why our smaller delivery drones and Octocopters will be equipped with an ornament style holographic privacy shield using previously researched stealth Kringle technology [18]. Using a local optical turbulence noise generator, we can make all of the drones appear to be nice cheery yellow, white, red, and green Christmas ornaments!
3.5 Safety of Flight
After analyzing the required flight paths of a drone swarm executed one-night global toy delivery, we determined that it would be best for humanity and Santa’s pocketbook if we implement safety of flight directional lighting on each drone but disable any flight transponders such as ADSB. In between weather, and certain city skylines, the larger drones must warn other air traffic of its own location and direction to avoid any unwanted collisions. Likewise, airport security is easy enough to fool that we may trespass into restricted air space for package delivery without being detected or impeded. However, if our ADSB transponder is active, there is a 100% chance that we will be caught, and those fines really add up.
3.6 Self-Destruct Mechanism and Package Safety
If a drone is caught, we can’t have anything pointing back to the North pole. No equipment can survive and more importantly, no presents which all say From Santa on them. In the event that a PD-18 or PD-56 is about to crash or be captured, the PD-18/56 will ignite 10 to 90g of plastic explosives destroying all evidence. Additionally, all parts are either locally manufactured in the North pole or have had their serial numbers filed off, so that there is virtually no way to trace it back to us. This will avoid any unwanted fines and protect any highly valued Kringle Enterprise intellectual property. Now don’t you worry about your presents as they are all invaluable in Santa’s eyes. Before the explosion, a rocket assisted ejection will jettison the present package towards unrestricted airspace to parachute into a vacant field or rooftop where they will be recovered by a Search and Rescue (SAR) task force on board all PD-109’s. Each package is irreplaceable. Some gifts have sentimental value, and some are puppies. Needless to say, Santa doesn’t want the FAA and PETA after him…Ho Ho No Thanks!
4. Command and Control
Within each PD-109 will be a Santa clone to oversee operations and watch for anomalies within the automated system. Some presents require a human touch [19]. The drone swarm command and control will otherwise be largely automated using a computer cluster on board the PD-109.
4.1 Route Optimization
Class II drones are highly susceptible to wind. If a PD-18 is fighting against the wind, its battery life can drop by up to 30% and be pushed off course in large gusts above 30 knots [20]. In the swarm route optimization technique, we take advantage of the PD-56’s more robust weather performance. Given wind greater than 10 knots, the larger PD-56 will travel up wind to optimize PD-18 battery life such that the average path towards the end of a neighborhood house-node tree will be on average down wind before being refueled and relocated by the same PD-56. The same methodology may be used for hilly neighborhoods, but that technique was rarely needed outside of mountain ranges as cities are rarely as hilly as people or bikers say it is.
Additionally, underwater bases have been established allowing for optimal PD-109 trajectories. For example, the initially planned mothership paths are shown in the figure below for the United States.
4.2 Travelling Salesman Problem
Once each household, neighborhood, and city are formulized as a tree like node structure with distance weights adjusted by wind, we may begin solving for optimum order of households. Building on research from [1], a genetic algorithm will be used to optimize on the Travelling Salesman Problem (TSP) at a neighborhood level. The primary difference between the genetic algorithm solution from [1] in the classic Multi-Objective Genetic Algorithm (MOGA) solution to multiple Santa Clones and the drone swarm delivery solution is that the multiple tiers make the end points of the TSP non-stationary. Other than the secret underwater logistics bases, each PD-56 and PD-109 will move to optimize on individual present deliveries. This allows for the MOGA solution to be segmented out into bite size chunks that the on-board PD-109 may be able to solve for each delivery clique. While some path optimization processing will be accomplished ahead of time, further GA optimization will occur as toy delivery completion times of automated drone B&E’s have much higher variance than a traditional Santa Claus hand delivery solution.
4.3 City Prioritization Scheduling
Santa does not have tolerance for any presents going undelivered. However, for some cities, it is necessary to slow time down. Unfortunately, some unverified research is surfacing that suggests that the Kringle Enterprises time dilation machine has some dangerous side effects such as an increased cancer rates [20] or permanent nightmares in increased dilation zones [21]. Now this is all unverified research with a terrible methodology and questionable data analysis by some watchdog group that’s been trying to take me down for years. It’s all bogus! Regardless, our North Pole lawyers have warned me that I should make a significant and documented effort to minimize our time dilation machine use just in case.
The time dilation machine effects about a hundred-mile radius and minimizing the alleged risk of increased pancreatic cancer and permanent nightmares rates can only be accomplished on a per-city basis. Cities have been ranked before such as in the 1980s to determine which cities would get the knock off Cabbage Patch Kids and which ones would get the real things [22]. Using this same methodology, cities will be scheduled and prioritized based on Mean Niceness (MN), measured Christmas Spirit (CS), average Christmas lights per household (aCLPH), and GDP. Once each city is ranked using the equation below, where each i is a normalizing value, we will project the amount of time expected per each city and minimize the time dilation given how well they score. I have emailed the mayors of each city to inform them, so they have time to prepare. I wash my hands of the alleged negative side-effects.
5. Results
As an operational test at scale, Kringle Enterprises was contracted by Amazon for a four-week period to cover deliveries to the US state of New Jersey using our experimental drone swarm. Over that period, we delivered over 50 million packages to 4 million different households using our tiered drone swarm technology under the cover of night. Although there were many reports of our activity in the news through social media [24], local [25], national [26], and internation news [27], to include a Whitehouse press conference regarding our activity [28], not one drone sighting was linked to an FAA violation back to Kringle Enterprises.
On a few instances, some pesky vigilantes did attempt to chase our drones [29] or fire bottle rockets at them [30] to which most got away, and a few had to self-destruct. In a normal Christmas night operation, this datapoint would be an annoyance but for an operational test, it was invaluable! It confirmed the package jettison operation worked outside of the test range and gave a chance to utilize the present SAR drones which retrieved and delivered the packages with only a thirty-two-minute delay to the estimated delivery time.
As shown in table 1 below, drone swarm delivery efficiency was measured in Time Per Household (TPH) in minutes at the Individual (PD-18), Squad (PD-56), and Wing (PD-109) level. This was estimated by dividing the total amount of delivery time by the total number of households visited at the different tiered swarm levels where a PD-56 represents a squad of Christmas delivery drones, and the PD-109 represents a wing. While there is always some systematic overhead associated at higher swarm command and control levels, it is never significant.
| TPH-Individual | TPH-Squad | TPH-Wing | |
| Week 1 | 4.7m | 4.9m | 5.2m |
| Week 2 | 3.6m | 2.8m | 3.1m |
| Week 3 | 3.2m | 3.3m | 3.5m |
| Week 4 | 2.8m | 2.9m | 3.3m |
As the operational test continued over the four week period, the efficiency improved as software bugs were spotted and fixed, and wing level Tactics Techniques and Procedures (TTPs) were developed in the route optimization. For instance, squad level neighborhood planning expanded slower than originally estimated zoning requirement minimum lot sizes as houses who could afford larger lots ordered more packages despite having less households to deliver to.
Additional software and performance issues forwarded through customer complaints were notated in discretionary reports. Some of the notable examples are shown in appendix A. The most prevalent and reported include packages being broken on delivery, or the decompression method making the packages too large or too small. This issue is difficult to pin down as some of the packages may have seemed bigger or smaller online. While some of the decompressed packages were occasionally incorrect, many of the online clothing delivery that did not fit disproportionately represented these complaints suggesting the customer should purchase a size up or down.
The most troubling performance issue involved the customer not finding the package at all. Although we intended to write our delivery software modular enough to have the drones drop off the packages at the front door, many were delivered under a Christmas tree or under the most festive looking house plant confusing many customers. We suspect that somewhere in the code, this behavior has been hard coded.
6. Analysis and Discussion
Given the earth’s population is primarily in the Northern hemisphere and the rotation of the earth, Santa historically has about 40 hours to complete the task of delivering all presents. At about 1,000 squads per wing and on average 40 drones per squad, at least 100-130 wings will be required to service all of the world given about 2 billion households that will be nice enough to receive presents. With a 100-130 triangle style mother ships, 100-130,000 PD-56’s, and about 4-5 million PD-18’s, the total assets needed is marginally within the North Pole’s one month production capability.
More interestingly, as most data has been collected approaching the Christmas season, but not necessarily in the Christmas season, we have finally been able to confirm West-Sprinkle’s hypothesis that the atmospheric lift effect is simultaneously affected by temperature and Christmas spirit [31]. It has widely been known that Christmas Spirit is linearly proportionate to temperature. As Santa’s Naughty-Nice detection surveillance scheme can widely measure Christmas Spirit in Holy-Jollies per person [32], with our Christmas spirit to energy atmospheric generators on board our drone swarm our New Jersey test has finally confirmed the fact that the colder it is the more Christmas spirit propagates through the air. This explains how there is always more Christmas spirit the colder it is. The relationship is show between Christmas spirit and temperature is shown in figure 8 as theorized by West-Sprinkle.
7. Conclusion
Drone swarms appear to be the future of Kringle Enterprises one-night global toy delivery technology. It is the only way to complete the task and avoid upwards of 4.9M$ in FAA fines. Although the autonomy is not to be trusted without a Santa clone on board each PD-109, it is much better than the previous number of required Santa Clones. Instead of a battle royale, which has been proven to make each successive generation of Santa’s more aggressive and violent [33], we can resolve who will be the one true Santa over a few rounds of reverse Russian Roulette where all but one of the chambers is loaded. Soon, we’ll not have to kill each other every year and Christmas can be peaceful just as it was before the 30 Years’ War or the proliferation of radar and integrated air defense.
References
- Santa Claus, Tinselbottom, and Snowball 2022 Efficient Methods of One-Night Global toy Delivery :: Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology https://jabde.com/2022/12/13/how-santa-delivers-presents-in-one-night/
- Santa Claus, Twizzle Spangle-Huff, et al. 2016 Cost Analysis of Christmas Spirit Optimization in a World of FAA Fines :: Annals of Lawyerly Risk Analysis
- Santa Claus, Hrumple Wink-Wobble, Yibber Quirk-Sprout 2017 Ground Delivery as an Alternative to Restricted Air Space Delivery :: Annual Kringle Enterprise Alternatives Analysis Report
- Santa Claus, Thrumpkin Glim-Glimmer 2018 Electronic Warfare Techniques and Procedures for Infiltrating Restricted Air Space :: Annals of the War on Christmas
- Santa Claus, Cwimberly Fuzzle-Doom, et al. 2018 Theoretical Framework for Drone Swarm One-Night Global Toy Delivery :: Journal of Christmas Theoretical Aeronautics
- Santa Claus, Glorinda Wibble-Quench 2017 Full Deployment Lifecycle Cost of the Joint Present Delivery Fighter in Global Christmas Toy Delivery :: Journal of Jingle Janglenautics
- Santa Claus, Jelpwin Flitter-Tonk, 2013 Fractal Light Separation in Chimney B&E Methodologies :: Journal of Holiday Light Physics
- Santa Claus, Hoozleprap Fizz-Splurge, 2007 Comprehensive Analysis of Throwing Bricks through Windows :: Journal of Christmas Eve Breaking and Entering
- Santa Claus, Plompwaddle Quiver-Gunk, 2013 Cost Analysis of Maintaining Year Long Underwater Logistics Warehouses :: Journal of Christmasonomics
- Santa Claus, Thazzle Pringle-Jorb, 2019 Prototyping and Development of the PD-18 Tactical Present Delivery Drone :: Journbal of Jingle Janglenautics
- Santa Claus, Norkleplim Glitch-Twizzle, 2021 Not Just for Ant Man: Christmas Eve Gift Storage Via Mass Compression Technology :: Journal of Theoretical Tinsel Physics
- Santa Claus, Fimblepimp Trink-Dobble, 2020 Prototyping and Development of the PD-56 Squad Level Present Delivery Drone :: Journal of Jingle Janglenautics
- Santa Claus, Hugh Mann, Snarpwhizzle Frozzle-Sloop, Year Anti-Gravity Technology and the Beginning of Christmas Spiritless Flight :: Journal of Theoretical Christmas Physics
- Hugh Mann 2023 8 Scientific Arguments Debunking the Declassified UFO Videos :: Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology
- Hugh Mann 2023 9 Undebatable Scientific Reasons the Nazca Mummies aren’t Aliens :: Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology
- Hugh Mann 2024 A Re-examination of the Fermi Paradox: A Data and P(Doom) Driven Markov Process Approach :: Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology
- Santa Claus, Shrizzlethormp Flim-Fangle, 2023 Flight test of Tactical Rotor Air Near Anti-Gravity Christmas Spirit Drives :: Annual Flight Report North Pole Test Range
- Santa Claus, Nibberly Crinkle-Bork, 2021 Ornament Privacy and Missile Repellent Shields for Delivering Christmas Spirit in Contested Air Space :: Annals of the War on Christmas
- Santa Claus, Wumblethor Dinkle-Dooz, 2023 Theoretical Limits of Autonomous Toy Delivery :: Journal of Good Ole Fashioned Toy Delivery
- Santa Claus, Frizzlequiz Dork-Fizzle, 2020 Weather Limitations of the PD-18 and other Tactical Present Delivery Drones :: Annual Flight Report North Pole Test Range
- William T. Scrooge et al. 2017 Increase Pancreatic Cancer Rates in Time Dilated Christmas Delivery Zones :: Personal Blog Post
- William T. Scrooge et al. 2018 Are Permanent Nightmares a side effect of Santa’s Time Dilation Machine? Shut him down NOW! :: Personal Blog Post
- Santa Claus, Splomdor Wiggle-Fwump, 1986 A Methodological Approach to Morally Ranking Entire Cities: A Solution to the Cabbage Patch Shortage :: Annals of Christmasonomics
- https://www.reddit.com/r/UFOs/comments/1hkn0s2/problems_of_the_ufo_community_and_the_new_jersey/
- https://www.dailyrecord.com/story/news/2024/12/02/drones-nj-witnesses-experts-growing-mystery-fbi/76700774007/
- https://www.cnn.com/2024/12/15/us/drone-sightings-east-coast/index.html
- https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c62785697v0o
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJDj4p033qs
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_4tNIGgEBc
- https://www.reddit.com/r/interesting/comments/1hf4cp7/you_can_shoot_the_drones_with_fireworks/
- Santa Claus, Jingles West-Sprinkle, 2016 Temperature Effect on Christmas Spirit Lift Coefficients :: Journal of Jingle Janglenautics
- Santa Claus, Jingles West-Sprinkle, 2023 Drone Performance Measurements of Opportunity for Christmas Spirit Energy Atmospheric Generation :: Journal of Jingle Janglenautics
- Santa Claus, Dweezlemort Sprangle-Fizz, 2024 A Personality Analysis of Successive Santa Battle Royale Winners :: Annals of Santavolutional Theory
Appendix A. Discretionary Reports
This appendix documents known performance issues of the drone swarm delivery system.
A.1 Gas Leaks
Description: Drone B&E’s appear to cause gas leaks when infiltrating through gas fireplaces. Homes fill with gas leading to dangerous explosions and house fires.
Cause: Drones phase shift too early during chimney infiltration in gas powered fire places damaged leaking into homes.
Frequency: Eight homes per thousand confirmed, thirty per thousand indeterminant
Priority: High
Resolution: Break through windows for gas powered fireplaces. Cut Gas Lines if mistaken.
A.2 Christmas Tree Deliveries
Description: Presents intended to be delivered at front door are delivered under tree, equivalent house plant, outdoor tree, or tall green objects. Customers are confused and complain about not receiving packages.
Cause: Hard coded tree delivery mechanism. Drones are not following Operational Test protocols
Frequency: 60% of deliveries
Priority: Low, but only during operational test, irrelevant during Christmas priority mission.
Resolution: Code review after Christmas and blame the intern.
A.3 Broken Windows
Description: Residents without chimneys have windows broken into by drone. Drones should only break into one window.
Cause: Unknown
Frequency: 1-2% of deliveries.
Priority: Medium
Resolution: Encourage recipients to install a chimney or leave a window open
A.4 Broken Packages
Description: Packages are often broken on arrival
Cause: Packages are likely dropped or violently tussled in drone delivery.
Frequency: 3-6% of deliveries
Priority: Medium
Resolution: More bubble wrap
A.5 Drone Noise
Description: Drones are loud and wake up residents
Cause: Drones are loud
Frequency: >60% of deliveries
Priority: Low
Resolution: Unknown
A.6 Packages Too Big/Small
Description: Decompressing packages expands to the incorrect size.
Cause: Miscalibration of the matter compression engine on small percentage of PD-18 drone packages.
Frequency: 1-2% confirmed 42% of all clothing deliveries (likely the wrong size to begin with)
Priority: Low
Resolution: Re-calibrate matter compressor and retest system
A.7 Residents Believe Drones are Alien Invasion
Description: Unexplained flying lights from the in the air have caused mass hysteria in the state of New Jersey and UFO/UAP internet forums.
Cause: Maintaining secrecy of the Santa Delivery drones have created new conspiracy theories regarding a potential alien invasion or foreign actors.
Frequency: <1% of drones spotted
Priority: LowResolution: N/A, safety of flight directional lighting outweighs mass hysteria.
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