Dr. D. Kong1
1 Department of Advanced Banana Applications Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
In the world struggle to find clean, safe, and sustainable sources of energy, the banana is often overlooked. While typical banana applications rarely are developed beyond consumption and gaining a competitive advantage in go-kart races, they contain the radioactive isotope 40K. While the unstable potassium isotope is useless for power generation in its natural concentration, an enrichment process could easily produce fuel grade Bananas usable in a light water reactor producing power with a naturally occurring fuel source in most tropical climates. This paper, designs and analyzes the gaseous centrifuge enrichment process, the fission reactor, and discusses the theoretical logistics surrounding a banana based nuclear energy operation.
Keywords: Bananas, Banana Nuclear Power, Banana Enrichment, Banana Fission, Banana Renewable Energy, Banana Potassium-40, Banana Peace, Banana Melt Down, Banana Hammock, Banana Containment, Banana Inflation
Bananas are delicious and abundant. They are also, naturally radioactive due potassium-40 . Although many speculate that it would be foolish to build a banana-based fission reactor because of the banana’s imminent disappearance, many experts I like to listen to have said that the experts I don’t like to listen to have been saying that banana’s going away for years and yet, I’m still eating bananas . Even if the plantain banana goes away because of some fungus or banana virus, and the dangers of mono-crop agriculture some hippy’s complaining about, there are other bananas that are just as radioactive, even if they have seeds that make them annoying to eat. It makes no sense that no one has designed a banana reactor yet, and this paper will put an end to the critics out there saying it’s a ridiculous idea that bananas could create a stable fission reaction  or that anyone could feasibly enrich enough 40K .
2. A Peaceful World from a Peaceful Banana
Ever since Adam and Eve ate the apple, humans have always been trying to kill each other, and that’s why nuclear physicists have only invested into nuclear power which uses isotopes that could eventually be weaponized . There are some peaceful humans left and the same critics who said that bananas couldn’t be used for nuclear fuel [3,4] have made a more convincing argument that they couldn’t be used as nuclear weapons due to their shelf life and never being able to reliably buy green enough bananas at the grocery store . Developing nuclear power technology that does not raise proliferation concerns and diminishes the needs of devastating rare earth mining has made this technology the most promising advance in ethical energy technology since Solar and Wind proved to be resilient against invasive government drones . Additionally, you can buy bananas with food stamps, driving the price of fuel down significantly, Win-Win!
3. Full Cycle Banana Reactor Design
The fundamental elements of a safe nuclear power system include the enrichment process, the reactor itself, and the storage for the dangerously radioactive spent brown bananas.
3.1 Enrichment Process
Because most google searches for banana enrichment resulted in dead ends about getting enough potassium to stop cramping, we had to totally start from scratch.
Figure 1: Gaseous Enrichment Process of the Centri-banana-fuge
Figure 1 shows the proposed method for enriching naturally occurring bananas into fuel grade bananas. Due to the efficiency shown in uranium enrichment processes, a gaseous diffusion process will be implemented in which a series of bananas will be inserted with a permeable gaseous tube in which the unstable 40K will filter into one tube while the more natural 39K will filter out into a tube to be saved later for a special brand of anti-cramping protein powder. This 39K biproduct will theoretically save the traditionally useful part of the banana to make the enrichment process more economically efficient and help athletes everywhere who don’t take time to stretch .
The 40K tube then feeds back into another banana and another and another, until the banana has reached a 27% concentration, high enough to maintain a safe and controlled fission reaction . The estimates shown in table 1 show that over 194,000 bananas would be required to achieve one fuel grade banana. As over 4 million would be required for one weaponized tactical banana, we are confident that this established process would make banana warfare impossible as the enrichment process is limited to no more than 600,000 bananas before they go brown and are devoured by fruit flies .
|Lethal Banana Smoothie||Sentient Mutated Banana||Fuel Grade||Weapons Grade|
|Time Required||51 Minutes||12 Hours||~4 Days||Two Months|
3.2 Fission Reactor
As in any light water fission reactors, a banana-based reactor operates by lowering enriched bananas into a pool of water via a heavy metal constructed banana hammock  which absorbs the radioactive particles emitted by the unstable 40K isotopes. The reactor design is shown in figure 2. The banana hammocks allow for the excess energy from the reacting bananas to heat up the water and drive a turbine.
To further control the banana reaction and lower the chance of a meltdown. Each Enriched Banana is heavily inserted lead razor blades which slow down the reaction allowing for a lower concentration of enriched banana to be fissionable while simultaneously preventing higher concentration 40K bananas from becoming unstable in a fission reaction.
Figure 2: Banana Fission Reactor Diagram
3.3 Gorilla Guarded Barrels
Once the brown bananas have been spent, some dangerous levels of unstable potassium isotopes remain requiring for the expended highly radioactive bananas to be stored in a barrel and guarded 24/7 by gorillas. Due to a scarcity mindset, gorillas are prone to focus on collecting bananas and guarding them from outside parties. Though these bananas will require to be guarded for millions of years until they reach a safe radioactive level of BEDs , a lot of bananas fits into one barrel and doesn’t take much space.
Naturally, a Banana Equivalent Dose (BED) doesn’t work when the bananas have been highly enriched. In the small eventuality that a banana is too enriched, or not enough lead razor blades are inserted to control the fission reaction, or there is a malfunction that prevents the water tank from cooling down the reacting bananas, a banana melt down must be contained for the greater good of humanity.
A recent study showed that a banana melt-down’s radioactive gaseous banana can be fully absorbed and consumed by an open-faced peanut butter sandwich  further investigation showed that such an open faced sandwich could contain radioactive banana particularly well when drizzled with Nutella as shown in figure 3.
Figure 3: Open Faced Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich before and after being contained by a light drizzling of Nutella
After the molten banana finishes dripping onto the open-faced peanut butter sandwich, the Nutella light drizzle traps in the radioactive potassium into one highly enriching snack. Just a light drizzling of Nutella as shown in figure X, which is a normal amount of Nutella and nothing that would be excessive for a banana melt down or even a healthy snack has been shown to reduce the exposed BEDs of an enriched banana melt down scenario by 98% .
Bananas may be a wonderful source for nuclear power, but their shelf life is one major factor preventing them from being taken seriously as a safe and renewable alternative to fossil fuels. As shown in table 2, it is possible to expand the banana industry so that an adequate number of bananas can be enriched for nuclear fuel. In between the in-place banana infrastructure across the world, the low price, and the availability of banana food stamps, the up-front cost of acquiring fresh enrich-able bananas for nuclear power makes the project all too possible. All the skeptics saying this project will create a dangerous banana shortage for the lower class and increase inflation  can just calm down!
|Banana Logistics Stage||Current World Capacity Bananas/day||Projected Expansion ~5 Years|
|Working All Night on a Drink of Rum||573.6M||2.2B|
|Tally Man Tallying The Bananas||484.9M||4.3B|
|Lift 6ft, 7ft, 8ft Bunch||693.2M||3.6B|
|Hiding Deadly Black Tarantula||904.4M||16.4B|
|Day Light Comes and Workers Want to Go Home||775.3M||12B|
6. Results and Discussion
As shown in table 3, the total upkeep of the system creates about a $0.0483 per kWh which is a tier one renewable energy source.
|Cost per Banana (not including energy)||Energy per Banana|
|Banana Price w/ Food Stamps||$0||—|
|Banana Enrichment Cost||$9.26||-171MW|
|Containment Barrel Cost||$0.21||—|
|Barrel Gorilla Security Upkeep||$1.83||—|
|Cost per kWH||$0.0483|
According to these numbers, there appears to be very little downside to beginning construction on a banana-based fission reactor. It would be a crime not to make one. As more research is done on the entire process, it is likely that the expensive $9.21 enrichment cost for a single banana will be driven down as the centri-banana-fuge technology is matured and refined into a scalable industrial product. Likewise, the costly Gorilla security team may be driven down once we renegotiate their salaries after threatening automation.
As proposed by this paper and all our critics are thoroughly humiliated with facts and reason, it is obvious that the banana fission reactor is the energy source of the future. Bananas are abundant, cheap, harmless, and already established in the global market. Transition to a banana-based energy grid would be much easier to maintain than other renewable energy sources, which cannot have their outputs adjusted by simply lowering a banana hammock up or down into a vat of water. Additionally, the banana energy sources primary weakness is its greatest strength. As no scientist would ever take a banana fission reactor seriously, no resident near a major banana-reactor would take it as a serious threat making the process invulnerable to nuclear power’s greatest enemy…NIMBYs. Let’s change the world and thanks for coming to my TED talk.
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- Kong, D 2021 Bananas Aren’t Disappearing: and How the Media Should stop Gaslighting Me :: Annals of Internet Hot Takes
- Rool, King K. 2017 The Potasium-40 Isotope and the Fission Reaction Lie :: Annals of the Crocodile Skeptic Society
- Rool, King K. 2017 Logistical Infeasibilities of Banana Based Potasium-40 Enrichment :: Annals of the Crocodile Skeptic Society
- Lee-Roy, Real Humanson 2019 They Don’t Want us to have Safe Nuclear Energy Because they all just want War to Control us Man :: Open Your Eyes, a Monthly Newsletter for the Enlightened
- Rool, King K. 2017 You’ll Never Collect Enough Bananas to Proliferate against Me! :: Annals of the Crocodile Skeptic Society
- Powers, Daniel 2020 Adaptive Smart Grids for Migratory Government Drones :: Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology
- Dr. Dan ‘Coach’ Getz 2018 Potassium Overload Techniques in a Low-Stretch Environment :: Journal of Physical Education Education
- Kong, D 2020 Theoretical Concentrations of a Banana Potassium-40 Enrichment Process :: Annals of Banana-Power
- Kong, D 2021 Shelf Life Limitation of a Brown Banana for Power Production Applications :: Annals of Banana-Power
- Clein, Kalvin 2017 Supportive and Flexible Structure for you Enriched, Powerful, and Substantial Banana :: Journal of Supportive Banana Garments
- Uhlmbrella D. Mathusela 2016 Radioactive Decay Analysis of the Grossly Over-Enriched Banana and an Acceptable Banana Equivalent Dose :: Fall-Out 4 Fan Fiction Wiki
- Uhlmbrella D. Mathusela 2018 How to Craft a Radiation Buffer with Basic Materials in the Event of a Total Banana Melt-Down :: Fall-Out 4 Fan Fiction Wiki
- Uhlmbrella D. Mathusela 2016 De-Buffin BED Radiation Effects with a Drizzle of Hazel Nut Chocolate Spread :: Fall-Out 4 Fan Fiction Wiki
- Rool, King K. 2017 The Potential Inflationary Shock of a Banana Based Power Plant on the Wider Food Market :: Annals of the Crocodile Skeptic Society
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One thought on “Full Cycle Banana Fission Reactor Design and Analysis”
As I recall, Doc in Back to the Future put a banana peel into the fission reactor on his car. It was only a matter of time before the world learned of this fruit’s super power.