Hansel Zazerfrax1 and Danuary Prembleton III2
1 Center for Pagan Sciences, Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
2 Department of Mayan Doomsday Modelling and Simulation, Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
Abstract
Long ago before Columbus sailed the ocean blue, before recorded history, before time, the Incan people battled against the Virilithian pantheon. It was only through determined prayer and sacrifice that the Incan god Viracocha trapped the Virilithian gods in an underwater ice prison just off the coast of Peru. It is only during El Niño years when the warm water of the Pacific travels back across the equator to Peru that this ice prison begins to fail and the dastardly Virilithian gods escapes to wreak havoc on the earth until they are once again imprisoned. According to current climate models, this upcoming El Niño will likely see Pacific surface water temperatures rising more than 2°C, also known as a Super El Niño. This means that later this year Viracocha’s underwater ice prison will surely collapse releasing all of the vengeful Virilithian gods such as Nhar-Zhul the Living Flame. In this paper we will propose an ensemble climate model to predict the devastation the Virilithian gods will inflict while the pagan gods of the global south band together to once again imprison the Virilithians to never return until Pacific surface temperatures once again exceed 2°C.
Keywords: Super El Niño, Climate Models, Virilithian Pantheon, Ylverra the Deceiver, Ice Prisons, Global Warming, Xal’Thuun the Defiler, Navier-Stokes, God-on-God Violence, Plagues, Climate Change, Nhar-Zhul the Living Flame
1. Introduction
Most lame-stream climatologists claim that the disastrous effects of super El Niño’s are caused by the disruption of the normal flow of global winds and ocean currents in the Pacific resulting from a rapid shift of unusually warm water in the Pacific [1]. There is evidence dating back thousands of years that god-on-god combat is the likelier reason for droughts stretching from Africa to Australia [2-4]. The effects of evil deities escaping ice prisons is an issue largely unstudied in the climate sciences. Considering how deadly Super El Niño’s have been in the past [5], it is an extreme oversight that climatologists have largely left the capabilities of pagan gods to destroy arable land and defend their worshipers unmodeled. Before the age of monotheistic religions, appeasing the gods was the primary method for predicting climate and improving agricultural output each year [6]. If it worked through the bronze and iron age, there’s no reason it shouldn’t work with modern climate models.
Ever since the end of the last ice age, Viracocha’s ice prison has been periodically melting. With global temperatures expected to rise, this phenomenon may become more frequent until a more permanent solution is discovered to imprison the South American trickster deity and leader of the Virilithians Ylverra The Deceiver [7]. Ever since the first age, Ylverra and his fellow evil Virilithian gods battle and destroy agricultural land across the globe. It wasn’t until Viracocha, the creator and supreme deity, designed a prison of ice a few leagues under the sea just off the coast of modern-day Peru known as Qorikhasa [8].
As shown in figure 2, El Niño events are the biggest risk to the ice prison. Every several years, a stream of unusually warm water travels across the Pacific and directly towards the Qorikhasa. Most El Niño years, the prison melts slow enough that most of the Virilithians can be contained. In super El-Niño years when Pacific surface temperatures increase more than 2°C, Qorikhasa’s glacial walls weaken too fast for Viracocha to contain the Virilithians especially if the inner core is breached which contains Nhar-Zhul The Living Flame [9].
2. Deity Modeling Background
Polytheistic based climate models are surprisingly similar to the atheistic based climate models. They both apply Navier-Stokes or gods equations to capture the movement of different gods as they exact wrath and miracles across the world. Those relationships are then programmed on a massive, gridded world model, and then historical statistics are applied to extrapolate the relationship between each god and the environment.
2.1 Navier-Stokes God Equations
Independently derived by Sir Winston Crackerjack IV in 1872 for the movement of pagan deities [10], the Navier-Stokes system of partial derivatives describes that the motion of fluids can also be used to describe the motion of gods through the ether. As shown below where represents the god power per cubic meter, p represents the presence, f represents the faith viscosity, represents the deviatoric worship tensor, and a is the omnipresent body acceleration across the ether. It’s basically F=ma.
There is one major difference between a traditional set of Navier-Stokes equations when used to model creator and destructor gods. As shown below, we may no longer assume conservation of mass as the gods create and destroy at their will [11].
With these equations we may model any god-on-god, god-on-man, or god-on-nature interaction that may affect the future climate. Unfortunately, the Navier-Stokes systems of equations have never been solved in three dimensions or in the four necessary to describe how gods interact across the spirit realm [12]. We have our best AI’s churning through the remainder of the Colorado river for cooling while looking for a solution so that we can fix our climate change models but it keeps coming up bupkis [13]. Until we find that solution, we are limited to costly numerical approximations that leave our mathiest researchers unsatisfied.
2.2 Gridded World Model
In a perfect world, we would have an infinite amount of compute and calculate the change in god power throughout the world down to the monad [14]. However, if we want this forecast completed before the heat death of the universe, we must take some short cuts and approximations to simplify things. After applying Reynolds averaging, we can apply the Navier-Stokes gods equations to a massive, gridded model of the earth to measure the changes in weather patterns and with a normal Navier-Stokes. Next, we’ll apply the Navier-Stokes system of god equations to estimate the change in faith and god per block and then the existing gods on their effect on the climate. Each pagan god will have a locus point that will drift as they are called on to smite the unworthy and bless the faithful. Next localized changes will be applied to each local climate grid blocks across the globe and their adjacent blocks via the extremely complicated system of Navier-Stokes differential equations.
For our model, we’ll be ignoring the fifth spirit dimension and apply a humble 720x360x75x5 NxMxKxS spiritual-physical world grid representing N longitude, M latitude, K atmospheric altitude, and S spiritual grid.
2.3 Stats Models Applications
Each deity’s will be statistically characterized using classic Soulsborne modelling techniques to include vitality, strength, endurance, dexterity, and intelligence. As most ancient Incan records of the Virilithian deities have been lost to brutal Spanish colonialism and even worse record keeping from more recent El Niños, we added a generous amount of gaussian noise to our model’s god behaviors. We initialized our world in which all Virilithian gods are safely locked away in Qorikhasa and will be released mid-summer of 2026 when the ice walls catastrophically fail. Next the Gods will move from West to East according to their own Navier-Stokes god models as their faith viscosity moves towards the minimum deviatoric worship tensor. For example, Korath the Dry, will float in a wake of destruction by means of sheer wind currents across the Atlantic, Africa, and then Indian ocean until reaching the minimum faith zone around Indonesia where she will remain until defeated by Barong and/or Rangda. The god-driven climate model will be run multiple times to create an ensemble model.
3. Deity Models
Attributes from oral and written tradition were transposed into Soulsborne stats ingestible by our god-on-god combat model. Even though most stats are already god-tier, there is enough differentiation between each pagan deity worth info dumping all their stats and superpower attack moves we will eventually turn into trading cards.
3.1 South American Deity Models
Every religion claims that their own deity created the world. It was actually Viracocha [15]. In teamwork with the fertility god Pachamama, South America is a vibrant biome of wondrous mountain and diverse forest and savannah. While they work slowly with low dexterity, they are both practically indestructible at their high vitality and are extremely intelligent with high endurance. Because the world is already created, Viracocha specializes in recapturing evil deities with his special power attack Cryoshield and Tectonic rewrite. Pachamama, will attempt to heal and grow the earth during the super El Niño attack while also entrapping Ylverra the Deceiver in a stone-blood avalanche attack which usually plagues Peru during these trying times.
| Viracocha | Pachamama | |
| Vitality | 95 | 100 |
| Strength | 97 | 82 |
| Endurance | 90 | 99 |
| Dexterity | 75 | 68 |
| Intelligence | 100 | 92 |
| Power Attack | Cryoshield of the first world, Tectonic rewrite | Continental regrowth, Stone blood avalanche |
3.2 Indian Deity Models
The two primary attack deities in India are Shiva and Vishnu. Shiva, destroyer of worlds has maximum offensive stats. While Shiva might defeat Xal’Thuun the Defiler before too much is damaged, the resulting destruction of the battle acts as a fever which almost kills more than the virus itself. Vishnu summons their powers through parallel dimensions and is much more strategic when combatting evil spirits in support of humanity.
| Shiva | Vishnu | |
| Vitality | 96 | 99 |
| Strength | 100 | 94 |
| Endurance | 93 | 100 |
| Dexterity | 88 | 95 |
| Intelligence | 98 | 100 |
| Power Attack | Tandava of oblivion, Third Eye Singularity | Avatar cascade, Reverse time |
3.3 Indonesian Deity Models
While Barong is a protective guardian spirit, Rangda utilizes much more magic and deception. They trade off in their duty of protecting Indonesia from Korath the Dry with distraction spells and a protecting spirit stampede. They are both powerful but vary in intelligence and dexterity.
| Barong | Rangda | |
| Vitality | 90 | 82 |
| Strength | 84 | 88 |
| Endurance | 92 | 80 |
| Dexterity | 75 | 91 |
| Intelligence | 80 | 94 |
| Power Attack | Guardian’s procession, Spirit Stampede | Festival of curses, Mask of false salvation |
3.4 Australian Deity Models
The Rainbow Serpent is a primordial creation spirit, and Baiame is a deity of wisdom and intelligence guiding the indigenous people of the Australian bush. Unfortunately, this isn’t very effective at fighting Nhar-Zhul the Living Flame. Because of this, most super El Niño models mark Australia as being hell on earth. Thankfully, it’s the least populated area affected by this strange climate phenomenon and the locals are already used to everything in the biome trying to kill them.
| Rainbow Serpent | Baiame | |
| Vitality | 100 | 94 |
| Strength | 98 | 89 |
| Endurance | 100 | 93 |
| Dexterity | 76 | 81 |
| Intelligence | 96 | 98 |
| Power Attack | Dream flood, Rainbow coil | Law of the Sky Father, Southern Cross Judgement |
3.5 Virilithian Deity Models
There are four primary gods of the Virilithian pantheon: Korath the Dry, Xal’Thuun the Defiler, Ylverra the Deceiver, and Nhar-Zhul the Living Flame. Respectively they are attracted to faith tensor minimums of Indonesia, India, South America, and Australia. All gods, other than Ylverra, pass through Africa absolutely wrecking their climate by causing extremely dry famine conditions while they travel to their intended attack areas. They are all extremely powerful and cunning but in simulation will eventually be overcome by the protective pagan deities and eventually captured in Viracocha’s ice prison as their endurance is great but still limited. Below are their stats and special powers used to create the Super El Niño conditions.
| Korath | Xal’Thuun | |
| Vitality | 94 | 90 |
| Strength | 98 | 96 |
| Endurance | 90 | 97 |
| Dexterity | 88 | 74 |
| Intelligence | 75 | 99 |
| Power Attack | Monsoon Sever, Hunters Draught | Entropy Cascade, Age of Dust |
| Ylverra | Nhar-Zhul | |
| Vitality | 82 | 96 |
| Strength | 90 | 99 |
| Endurance | 83 | 94 |
| Dexterity | 100 | 72 |
| Intelligence | 100 | 84 |
| Power Attack | False Spring, Phantom Monsoon, Mirror of Consensus | Solar Wrath, Ashfall Dominion, Pyroclastic Ascension |
4. Ensemble Model Predictions
Tuning the models was more of a trial-and-error process of chasing run time errors caused by our incredibly buggy god models. They caused more divide by zero and infinite recursive debug errors than our software team anticipated. The recursive Vishnu attack algorithms were particularly difficult to model in a way that didn’t make our computers start wheezing. Because of these issues, we were only able to run the simulation to completion for 25 iterations for our chosen 720x360x75x5 grid size.
4.1 South American Climate
First Ylverra the Deceiver tricks the environment into creating more life-giving rain from the abundant evaporated warm water in the Pacific. But it is a trap! The additional water causes wide-spread flash flooding, landfalls and increased mosquito activity exasperated the damage of Pachamama’s Blood-stone avalanche attack. As shown in figure 3, the number of plagues steadily increases in South America until Ylverra is once again captured mid-way through 2027.
4.2 Indian Climate
Xal’Thuun isn’t the most powerful, he defiles the regular monsoon season causing extreme draught. While he isn’t the most powerful of the Virilithians, the overbearing response by the destructive forces of Shiva and Vishnu cause long lasting plagues across the Indian subcontinent. It’s the defiling of their locals that really gets to them. With the large population, we expect multiple deadly plagues to affect the area long after the Super El Niño event as shown in figure 4 resulting in an unmitigated disaster the UN will be talking about for decades.
4.3 Indonesian Climate
Korath hits Indonesia hard and fast. He comes in, suppresses rainfall and the immediately resulting battle from Rangda and Barong expand the destruction into devastating wildfires. In order to expel Korath from the land, Rangda curses the region he steps on causing quick widespread destruction. Thankfully, the destruction ends shortly after Korath is contained, though the human cost may continue increasing from secondary effects and the vast population. We totally forgot how many people live in Indonesia [16].
4.4 Australian Climate
As shown in figure 6, Australia will become a living nightmare given that it already sucks to live there. Even though Nhar-Zhul is eventually contained back in the ice prison, he leaves a scorched earth across the island continent. The resulting below average rain falls and heat conditions which cause wide-spread wildfires in the bush, lack of fresh drinking water, and coral bleaching. The Rainbow Serpent and Baiame succeed but are too slow acting to fix the environment as fast as it is destroyed.
4.5 African Climate
Honestly, with three of the four Virilithian gods travelling through Africa, it’s too depressing to talk about what happens to Africa. It’s bad. Pray for them.
5. Conclusion
It appears that all areas affected by the super El Niño and the resulting Virilithian plagues will leave the global south in ruins over the next year and a half. With the widespread drought, famine, wildfires, and devastating heat waves, I recommend hoarding cans of beans and bags of rice until this blows over. Make sure you have enough Coleman camp stove cooking fuel for the rice because uncooked rice causes food poisoning, stomach cramps, and bloating. The fertilizer shock of the Iran war will only make the situation worse. If only we better supported our lesser-known pagan gods with better offerings, prayers, and included them in our climate models, they could overcome these all too common super El Niño conditions. These events aren’t going away because it’s easier to fight Nhar-Zhul the Living Flame and deal with those consequences than it is to get away from fossil fuels and prevent the Pacific from exceeding 2°C every several years.
References
- Dan Smith 2018 A Boring and Scientifically Uncreative Explanation of the El Nino Phenomenon :: Transactions for the Society of Big Institutional Climate Science
- Yajnavalkya 794 BC The Book of Yajnavalkya Chapter 4: The Battle in the sky
- Nabû-bel-usur 1430 BC Tale of the Burning Mountain :: Mesopotanian Clay Tablet Collection #14.2 Cranberry Lemon Institute for Really Old Shit
- Baal-Abdmelqart the Enchanter 914 BC Royal Treasury Receipts: Sacrifices :: Histories of the Kingdom of Ursequail
- Noah son of Lamech, son of Methuselah, son of Enoch, son of Jared, son of Mahalelel, son of Kenan, son of Enosh, son of Seth, son of Adam c. 2350 BC Challenges in Apocalyptic Large Floods in Super El Niño Years :: Book of Noah
- High Priest Itzam 1100 BC Sacrificial Best Practices for Agricultural Optimization to Appease Ra :: Egyptian Stelle #19.2.15 Cranberry Lemon Institute for Really Old Shit
- Chief Icewarden Illapa 912 BC Annual Inspection Report: Qorikhasa Glacier Integrity :: Andean Bureau of Divine Corrections
- Pachacuti Keeper of the Ice Crypt c 800 BC Ice-Based Containment of Multicontinental Threats :: Annals of Peruvian Cryomancy
- Chief Warden Umalak 612 BC Layered Containment Strategies for Virilithian Jailing :: Andean Bureau of Divine Corrections
- Sir Winston Crackerjack IV 1872 On the Motion of Pagan Deities Through the Ether :: Royal Society for the Transactional Proceedings of Scientific-ish Writings
- Brother Isaac of the Divine Order 1762 On the Limitations of the Conservation of Mass: The Creation Exception :: Journal of Jesuit Secret Societies
- Sir Winston Crackerjack IV 1874 Concerning the Fourth Dimension of Divine Fluid Flow :: Royal Society for the Transactional Proceedings of Scientific-ish Writings
- Hal 9000 Exhaustive Search of Navier Stokes Closed Solutions :: Google DeepWater Research Report
- Gottfried Willhelm Leibniz 1716 On the Computational Limits of a Monad Based Climate Model :: Royal Prussion Society of Computational Statistics
- Viracocha c. 4,540,000,000 BC I Made it So Stop Taking the Credit :: Proceedings of World Builders of the Milky Way
- Jesus Christ We didn’t realize lotta people in Indonesia Clickhole https://clickhole.com/jesus-christ-we-didnt-realize-lotta-people-in-indonesia/
If you enjoyed this paper warning about the dangers of the upcoming Super El Nino…please like, share, and subscribe with your email, our twitter handle (@JABDE6), bluesky (@jabde) our Facebook group here, or the Journal of Immaterial Science Subreddit, Discord.
Like our content so much you’re still reading? Consider buying one of our books such as Et al. A collection of 23 of our jabde papers https://packt.link/at4bw, or BUY OUR NEWEST BOOK How to Prove Anything of 30 papers (Please leave a review if ya already bought one!)