Robert F. Kennedy Jr1
1 U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services, Washington DC, USA
Abstract
I have spent my life as an environmental activist and an avid falconer, so I know the effects of diets on predatory birds. Birds of Prey like humans thrive on a diet of raw meat and natural foods. It should be no surprise to the public that a food filled with artificial flavoring and highly processed corn extracts due to the heavily lobbied corn industry can have detrimental effects to our nation’s children and birds. Between the sugar, artificial dyes, and flavoring, the General Mills Cocoa Puffs line does not shy away from the likely connection between consuming unnatural Cocoa Puffs in a bowl or uselessly pasteurized milk and going Cuckoo. This is not a conspiracy. General Mills advertises this dangerous side effect! I’ve seen reputable videos linking birds going cuckoo and from cocoa puff consumption. In this paper, we will discuss the inconvenient science showing how the corrupt FDA has let these cuckoo inducing products to run wild in our country’s children and birds.
Keywords: Cocoa Puffs, Falconry, Making America Healthy Again, Going Cuckoo, Seed Oils, Lead Poisoning
1. Introduction
I have traveled the natural world, and the dietary system of birds and children are not capable of ingesting highly processed Cocoa Puffs without serious neurological consequences. I have seen with my own eyes, birds of prey live on a diet of raw meat caught fresh in the African Savannah. If it works for birds, why not humans? Especially our kids. Why would our children need anything else? The corrupt and lobbyist cereal industry would like you to think differently. They want your kids to go cuckoo, it’s good for their bottom line. In figure 1 I present to you the cuckoo cycle which we will later discuss.
As you can see Going Cuckoo is good for General Mills’ pedaling of artificially flavored children’s cereal which you the parent have to walk past every day at the grocery store. It is this consumeristic cycle that I would like to end before it is too late, and all of our children and birds of prey go absolutely psycho or as the corrupt dietician scientists would whitewash Going Cuckoo.
2. What is Going Cuckoo?
There are many names for going cuckoo, having a screw loose, off one’s rocker, bonkers, mania, being obsessed with trains, and sometimes it can lead to dangerous outbursts. These varying degrees of going cuckoo that the FDA has refused to study any links between going cuckoo in breakfast cereals plaguing our grocery stores. I have done a lot of drugs in my past, medically, recreationally, and otherwise. There hasn’t been anything that has made me act quite as cuckoo like Cocoa Puffs have made our children and birds.
Going Cuckoo is just part of the insidious consumerist behavioral cycle engineered and advertised by the Cocoa Puff Brand. As shown in figure 1, the cycle starts after consuming the product even once. The chocolatey munchy crunch causes guilt which then causes a chocolatey trigger when associated with Cocoa Puff consumption. Once the craving builds the brain takes over and goes Cuckoo until the body has what it craves, chocolatey munchy crunchy cocoa puffs as part of its so called balanced breakfast.
3. Cocoa Puff Ingredients
It should be no surprise to those watching which agricultural industries got its product into Cocoa Puffs. Hint; it heavily lobbies congress. That’s right, Cocoa puffs begin with whole-grain corn and other dangerous seed oils. Next, it’s flash fried with anhydrous dextrose and polymeric sucrose solids which guarantees a sugary glycemic spike in the brain. We believe this may be one of the key ingredients in causing Cuckooness as the body craves that glycemic spike in withdrawals. The cereal factory then folds in partially interesterified canola triglycerides for mouth feels and alkali-treated Theobroma cacao particulates for artificial flavoring and to establish a chocolatey based behavioral trigger. The puffs are additionally baked with sodium bicarbonate, calcium carbonate, and a dangerous vitamin cocktail straight from the lab including pyridoxine hydrochloride, cyanocobalamin, ferric orthophosphate, zinc oxide, niacinamide, and folic acid. In my opinion, if you can’t pronounce any of these words you shouldn’t be eating it and I can’t pronounce any of them!
One little known fact that may be causing long term cumulative cuckooness in cocoa puffs consumers is alleged to have an unacceptable amount of lead [1]. This was addressed in a class action lawsuit, but which General Mills has repeatedly requested to be removed. I think there’s no smoke without fire and that there likely is lead in Cocoa Puffs causing our kids and birds to go absolutely cuckoo!
4. Methodology
Because Cheryl doesn’t want me anywhere near kids I was limited in my data collection to only trained falcons. A control group of ten birds of prey were fed on a safe roadkill only diet while another group of ten birds of prey were fed on Cocoa Puffs exclusively. Over a period of two months, we monitored each bird’s mental well-being and agility based on a series of hunting and other training exercises involving standard lures and hoops to fly through while we distract them with visual and noise distractions comprising of dogs and 12 gauge shot guns.
5. Results
As shown in the results below, there is great difference between the two sets of birds. The falcons on a strict roadkill diet maintained their excellence in hunting and lure exercises. Meanwhile, the Cocoa Puffs fed birds went absolutely Cuckoo! They were fat, lazy, distracted, and slowly turning brown? They could not complete a single hunting exercise unless we filled the lures with Cocoa Puffs!
| Roadkill Diet | Cocoa Puffs | |
| Body Condition | Stable, lean, and muscular | Unhealthy weight gain and loss in muscle mass |
| Feather Quality | Glossy, well preened | Slowly turning brown? |
| Flight Endurance | Greater than 5-minute flight, sustained speed | Decreased endurance, can maintain flight for 1 minute at a time |
| Pitch/Soaring Height | Classic falcon form, maintaining pitch moments before swoop | Goes straight for the kill at a slow low-pitched state…pathetic |
| Temperament | Alert and focused on the glove | Distracted, searching for more Cocoa Puffs |
| Response to Lure | Immediate and disciplined. Captures most in under 10 seconds | Uninterested unless filled with Cocoa Puffs |
| Trainers Notes | Ready for any falconry exercise. Perfect hunting companion | These birds are awful! Untrainable, distracted. Absolutely Cuckoo |
To additionally document the decline in bird quality, below are images captured from our flock. The control group roadkill fed falcons still looked respectable. I can’t believe the pharmaceuticals giants have been hiding this for decades but look at the sorry state of falcon we observed from the Cocoa puff birds in figure 3.
6. Analysis
Just look at those birds! Do you need to do any analysis? I’ve trained a lot of falcons, and I know when one is unwell.
7. Conclusion
Effective immediately Cocoa Puffs are banned in America! I don’t care if your kids pitch a fit, it’s for their own good. A child should be fed on a healthy diet of raw milk and raw meat. If they don’t eat it raw, please heat the meat over a grill of charcoal so you don’t need any seed oils in the cooking process. Getting Cocoa Puffs off of the shelves is our first step in fixing the obesity problem in our youth. It’s time to make America healthy again and much less cuckoo!
References
- Lawsuits accuse General Mills’ Cocoa Puffs of having high levels of Lead 2024 :: https://www.fooddive.com/news/general-mills-cocoa-puffs-lead-lawsuits/723508/
- This isn’t a reference but just a comment that the established academic community has refused for years to study the effects of Saturday morning breakfast cereals causing kids to go Cuckoo.
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