The Coldplay Uncertainty Principle: A Kiss Cam Collapse of the Quantum Relationship Function

Dr. Qubert Spins ¹, Chris Martin ² 

¹ Department of Quantum Possibilities, Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA

² Cold Play Lead Singer

Abstract

I want to prove to the world that love is out there, and it is everywhere. Many theorize that when two people are together they are both simultaneously two people and in love whether you’re gay, straight, asexual, demi-sexual, in a poly-thruple or otherwise just bros hangin with bros, there’s love. Physicists have long formalized this may be described as the universal quantum relationship function where there is simultaneously a relationship and not a relationship and both states exist until measured. In this paper, we propose an experiment to measure these collapsing relationship functions through a Kiss Cam during my rockin Cold Play tour. While we expected that measuring a kiss state or non-kiss state via the kiss cam measurement technique would collapse the relationship function into a kiss, backlashes and rapidly collapsing relationships were additionally measured most notably causing several divorces and the outing of a tech CEO and his head of HR. 

Keywords:  Quantum Relationship Function, Double Cam Experiment, Rejection Threshold, Infinite Relationship Theory

1. Introduction

The stadium insta-broadcast cam technology has collapsed many quantum functions in the past whether it’s danceability [1], team spirit [2], or the ability to to air guitar to crazy train [3]. Now with the instantaneous crowd cheer assessment technique during a hot and steamy love song while I’m on tour with my band Cold Play, we may live measure one of these quantum functions, the Quantum Relationship Function (QRF).

2. Theory 

Suppose a couple of potential lovers may be notated where |μ⟩ represents a mutual indifference state and |κ⟩ represents a kiss state. The QRF may be formulated below where the state evolves until the kiss cam measurement occurs: 

Now with alpha^2+beta^2=1 a kiss cam operator may measure the QRF |couple⟩ with the outcomes below:

Once each couple is measured via the camera Mcam we’ll finally know how much love there is out there alpha^2.

3. Methodology 

As shown in the schematic below, while I’m doing crowd work and strumming to something off of X&Y, the QRF may be collapsed by measuring any two people standing close enough. Once projected on the Kiss Cam screen, we may see a rapid collapse of their relationship function into the mutual indifference state |μ⟩ or the kiss state |κ⟩.

It is important that the two people are standing close enough, such that the slit separation distance d between them is less than a half integer multiple of their relationship wavelength [4] as shown in the equation below: 

4. Results 

So far on my tour we have measured 132 couples the results may be seen in the table below:

	Total
Kiss	82
No Kiss	47
Explosive Diffraction	3

Out of the 132 couples measured, 62.1% of them kissed 35.6% did not kiss and 3 had an explosive diffraction reaction. Many of the no kiss measurements expressed their mutual indifference |μ⟩ with handshakes and nervous laughter. Many were siblings or on a first date. The 3 which exhibited explosive diffraction appeared to be well close enough to exhibit a love reaction according to their wavelength spacing. For one reason or another, they quickly jumped apart ducking away from the camera. Our math only works well with two states so we’re not sure how to handle this in our estimation of 2 and 2. 

5. Discussion 

This is not the first time it has been confirmed that QRF’s exist in a super position until measured. As shown in the label experiment, most romantic relationships do not exist unless an outside party requests a boyfriend-girlfriend label [5]. Though many suggested this fundamental property of romantic relationships was on the decline due to the intentionality of dating apps, most data suggests that fuzzy situationships are still largely on the rise allowing for remaining super position uncertainty unless measured with younger generations [6].

Love may be more complicated than two states. It has an emotional and a physical element. We suspect through the closeness metric d seen in those three lovers that their length may still be too small or non-existent suggesting some relationship abomination. Further internet sleuthing into one of the explosive diffraction events revealed one kiss cam blow up to be an affair [7], one set of cousins with complicated feelings, and another data point to be permanently redacted in the Epstein list. 

6. Conclusion 

This experiment did confirm that there is love, at least in 62.1% of the places you look. All you have to do is look out there and see it to believe it. With the worlds declining fertility rate, perhaps we should install more mechanism in which to measure love and help people realize all the love there is out there before we lose it all! If you’re out there reading this and you’re living in a super positioned |couple⟩ life. Just take your shot at a |κ⟩. Worst case scenario is |μ⟩.

References

1. Grooveman, T. and Funkelstein, L. 2021 Observational Entanglement in Spontaneous Jumbotron Boogie to the Bee Gees. :: Annals of Quantum Kinessiology
2. Van der Woo, M. 2018 Entropic Dissolution of Mascot-Induced Morale Fields :: Transdisciplinary Sports Mechanics Review
3. Osborne, R. & Trainstein, G 2025 Wavefunction Collapse at the First Riff: A Study in Stadium Air Guitar Dynamics :: Journal of Chaos, Music, and Decoherence
4. Heisenlove, W. and Schrödonger, D 2016 Quantum Proximity Thresholds and the Discreteness of Affectional States :: Journal of Interpersonal Interference
5. Planck, C. and Delulu, T 2022 The Observer Effect in Romantic Labeing: A Quantum Social Analysis :: Journal of Ambiguous Commitment Studies
6. Tindr, A and Zuck M. 2024 Fuzzier Than Ever: Meta(Formerly Known as Facebook)-Analysis of Uncollapsed Situationships Post-2010 :: Transactions on Probabilistic Love Models
7. Chloe Veltman 2025 Kiss cam incident at Coldplay concert highlights the technology’s awkward history :: NPR https://www.npr.org/2025/07/19/nx-s1-5473450/kiss-cams-awkward-history-coldplay-astronomer-andy-byron-kristin-cabot 

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