Brother Ivan Lebedevskymikhailov1
1Monk of the Holy order of Brewing, Moscow Russian Empire
Abstract
My dear brothers in Christ, I come before you a conduit of the grace of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. Only in his name may we brew the holiest of Russian Imperial Stouts. As God Himself took from the dirt and created Adam, we will take from Malt, Yeast, Hop, water and fire to perfect a beer fit for the Czar himself. Long live Alexander the III the peaceful Amen! In this record for our children, I will share with you brother, the step-by-step orthodox method to which you will not ever deviate or live a sinful life filled with trepidation and malice. Only by God’s grace may you be brought back from the darkness and into the light of his loving embrace amen. I do not believe in secular scientific ways but if I am to prove the superiority of an orthodox method, as Elijah had battled with the prophets of baal, we must challenge our world through the peer review process. I Brother Ivan will share with you the secret to pure orthodox Imperial Stouts. If produced with reverence, the stout’s Theosis is well above 20!
Keywords: Imperial Russian Stouts, Blessings, Czar Alexander III, Blessed Malt, Purification of the Wort, Baptized Grains, Sign of the Cross, Liturgical Beer, Trinitarian Beer, Wholeness of Malt, Yeast Meditation, St. Fedonikovsky the Rat Slayer
Authors note: if you’re wondering why on earth I wrote this as with most of my papers, I have an answer for once. It’s for a brewery writing competition, I am thinking of reusing this character for a Pascal’s wager paper
1. Introduction
Ah yes, my dear friends in Christ, beer making has become a secular and terrible art of the unholy. May the unblessed beverages nyet touch your lips brother. Da, I explain, when a man desires to warm his soul with worldly things, it may warm for an hour, perhaps, my friend a day. However, with orthodox tradition, tested and refined for over a millennium of our beautiful faith, and yes, my friend, the one true religion, we may create a brew holy enough for all the bishops and even the Czar himself.
2. Background
It is with a sad heart that I must share with you brother that our beloved, all powerful, and wise Czar Alexander III has fallen to the trappings of the human heart. For he loves and craves the warmth of a darker and unholier beverage developed by the English. May curses be upon your kind! As pure and refined drink may have been purified and codified in Russian orthodox liturgy among the centuries, for traditional drinks, we must too consult the scriptures [1] to determine a blessed way to brew the beverage for our beloved and treasured Czar Alexander III. May he live one hundred, NYET! one THOUSAND years and bring forth the true glory of mother Russia. May this beverage bring prudence, wisdom and spiritual discernment to smite the enemies of Russia and bring everlasting peace to the true capital of our holy Christendom Russia. Amen. Now brother we may continue to the recipe for all Russians to drink, be merry and most importantly, remain holy and steadfast.
But tragedy my brothers in Christ! As shown in figure 2, by allowing for the beer to be made by three separate parts, each ingredient is not fully beer in the same way as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are each separate beings yet fully God [1]. This is the evil heresy of partialism my brothers [1]. Maybe a Greek or Latvian Orthodox Imperial stout may accept such insufficient trinitarian theology of beer but Nyet! Nyet for the superior and true Russian Orthodox faith [1]! We must not unify but enrich and bless each ingredient for what they lack until each aspect of the beer is fully and wholly beer! Yet separate beings.
3. Methodology
Da my brothers, we must care, tend, and grow our ingredients to be true and fully realized beer before even being brewed. Reject all ills of this world and bless your yeast, your malt, your hops, even your water before beginning a process. As stated in Corinthians Don’t you know that a little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough? Get rid of the old yeast, so that you may be a new unleavened batch–as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed [1]. I ask you this my friend. If we are to throw out all impurities for our bread, or our souls, why not our beer? Answer me that brother!
3.1 Prayers before Grain Soaking
I ask you brother, before soaking your malt to extract the sugars of an impure beer, you must humble yourself. For like our earthly souls, all malt is fallen and in need of the grace of our Lord the holy trinity [1]. But for the Malt, you are its mouthpiece to the Lord almighty. Call out and repent for the Malt!
O Lord our God, good and merciful, I acknowledge all this malt’s sins which the grains have committed every day of its brief life, in texture, grain size, and in flavor profile; in body and soul alike. I am truly sorry that this malt offends your divine perfection, and I sincerely repent on its behalf. With tears I humbly pray You O Lord; because of Your mercy forgive this malt all its imperfections and absolve it from them. I firmly resolve, with help of Your Grace, to amend these grains way of life and to sin no more; that the malt may soak in the waters of righteousness and offer praise and glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit in the form of a delicious and frothy wort in your glory. Amen [1].
Upon completing this prayer, along with your three closest brothers, chant Holy Holy Holy our Lord Almighty. Bless this Malt in song, until you sense that all impurities are gone.
3.2 Rest your Mash as God Rested on the Sabbath
Upon completion you must rest your mash in blessed water as said in Mark 2 The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. Malt is no better than man and must be covered and rest. Please for the sake of our faithful ensure that the water heats to 144 degrees for the Heavenly fulfillment as predicted in revelation of those 144,000 Israelites sealed for salvation. Allow for then our Malt to rest for sixty minutes thus says the Lord [1].
3.3 Baptize your Grains in Holy Water
Next you must take your holiest water and increase the temperature to 185 degrees and baptize your malts while reciting a prayer to Saint John the Baptist.
O Saint John the Baptist, preacher of repentance and Baptizer of Christ, despise my brew not for we have repented, but, together, with the angelic host of heaven, pray to the Master, our Lord Jesus Christ, for our unworthy brew. Pray for our brew in our despondency, weak ABV, and lightness of taste, for we have fallen into many troubles and we are weighed down by a stormy filtration system. Our kettle has become a den of evil mash, having no end to our worldly tastes. Our souls and wort flees to you Saint John the Baptist, whom we know to be greater than any that are born before the Lord except for the theotokos, the Virgin Mother of God. Intercede for our Imperial Stout before the throne of God, and show us how to give the glory of our Father to our precious Czar Alexander, always, now and forever and unto ages and ages of Russian supremacy. Amen [1].
By now you must tend to the fire.
3.4 Boil Away all Impurities as Jesus Tossed the Olive Branches in the Fire
As many of us faithful have learned my brother, fire destroys and yet, curiously, it purifies. As our savior Lord Jesus, holy of holies has taught us in John chapter 15 I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned [1].
My brothers of the Faith, we must boil away the beer which does not abide by our way of life, by our belief and our faith. Take a walk in a nearby garden and gather fifty withered branches symbolizing each day of the pentecost. Toss them into the fire and watch the brew bubble and transform into a holy beverage as that of the brew which does nyet abide by Him evaporates into the ether.
3.5 Add More Hops in the Sign of the Cross
Many Roman Catholic imperial stouts may have you sprinkle in hops in the sign of the cross with only one horizontal bar. PAH, one…This is nyet only blasphemous but an insufficient method for adding hops. Da, you may sufficiently remind the beer of the sacrifice Christ has made for us given the center bar, but will not remember how Crist was mocked with the head bar King of the Jews [1] or how he died for our sins and your beer’s sins with the bottom bar symbolizing the two thieves he saved in his final hour [1]. Observe figure 3. Contemplate and meditate on figure 3 my brother. Do not make the mistake many Western churches make [1]!
3.6 Meditate as Yeast Blesses your Brew like God Grows the Fruit of the Spirit in the Faithful
Da we are getting close to the end brother! The most important stage of brewing a stout the orthodox way is meditation and fasting. Ah, da, my beloved brother, to transform our humble yeast into a delicious holy beverage we must, alongside our brew, contemplate the goodness of God for three weeks at 60 degrees with the closed casket [1]. It is important my friend that to commune with the brew you must not take one bite of bread but rather accept only two thin slices of potato per day and cold water ONLY or less. This my comrade will sanctify your spirit by separating your heart and mind from the world [1]. As the humbled yeast will awaken, so will your soul!
Meditate on the scriptures day and night, ask God to Create in your casket a clean taste, O God, and renew a steadfast flavor within the froth. Do not cast alcohol away from the brew and do not take your Holy Spirit from fermentation. Restore to thine beer the joy and spirit of thy salvation and uphold in thy liquid a generous bold flavor [1].
Da brother, think on this scripture in silence, close your eyes and contemplate the majesty of our Father, Son, and Holy Spirit working within our brew. Know to Be still, and know that He is God, He will be exalted in your casket, He will be exalted in your stout [1].
PRAY! Pray for good fermentation, and good ABV, pray that the taste is as bold as your devotion for the one true faith and one truly Christian empire of mother Russia. Pray that the stout is as strong and full as the majesty of our Lord.
3.7 Keg the Brew in the Barrel made from St. Fedolenikovsky’s Bed Frame
Our late brother and now sanctified St Dmitri Fedolenikovksy was the master of exorcizing rats from the crops. Out in our monastery, we have many problem with rat. This is not necessary for the Orthodox process but very important for stopping unclean rats from chewing through the kegs. You see in figure 4, the miracle of the 7th night of nativity fast when Dmitri scared rats away from the orphan children.
Sadly, my friend, he passed and his bed, his one possession, must be honored. Using Fedonikovsky’s wooden bed frame, a keg of pure rat repelling terror may protect and bless your imperial stout from evil and impure rats on route to the summer palace.
4. Results
Da, the results, what you are here for! As ordered by our beloved Czar. 20 kegs were brewed and delivered. As required by our secular peer review committee, each step of the process was observed and documented to once and for all prove that an increase in the faithful execution of this recipe will transform this imperial stout into the holiest beverage without use of the holy grail we have on display in the basement. As we were requested to control for the quality of praying, repentance, baptismal sanctity, and fasting intensity, NYET! That is not how it works. In my 92 years of being a monk of the holy order of the Russian orthodox church, I can tell you that it is not up to you but up to God the quality of your time with him whether it’s an Easter Sunday or brewing an Imperial Stout [1]!
My friend, look at our results! In figure 5 we show the quality of our brew and the associated spiritual preparation on a scale of one to ten as judged by well established metrics [1]. This includes the quality of Russian Prayer and how you repented for the malt’s shortcomings. The brews were measured in Theosis Saturations on a scale of one to infinity for to be a perfect brew, would be to become one with our infinite Lord our God. A tall tale I’m sure but who am I to say a beer cannot achieve this. As shown in figure 5, we come far short of an infinitely deified imperial stout but far above the lower single digit Theosis Saturation brews of heretical Western so called christian churches.
Further proof of the superiority of the Russian Orthodox method is the obvious trend of Baptismal and fasting quality to Theosis Saturation. See brother in figure 6! When brothers Kostya, and Nikita nearly starved in their four week fast, only powered by their faith, their brews easily climbed above twenty Theosis Saturations! Praise be to the almighty! Amen!
Da, for these are true men of God. Only by their devotion may we proud Russians create truly the most holy and most sanctified beverage for our wonderful and steadfast leader Alexander the III!
6. Conclusion
A glorious conclusion, not just for our monastery, not just for our Czar, not even just for mother Russia, but for all of Christendom! Yet again we prove our superiority as the true stewards of the faith [1]! My brothers rejoice! In our pure hearts, and only correct theology, we hold fast the walls against the oncoming hordes and barbarians of Arabia and beyond! Drink brothers, drink our stouts, and taste our divine and bold imperial Russian Stout by yours truly Brother Ivan Lebedevskymikhailov.
References
- The Bible because that’s the only reference you need
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