Dr. Glondace Wrinklestine1 et al.2
1Department of Elder Care and Neurology, Cranberry-Lemon University Medical School, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
2 Various White House staff who wish to remain unnamed
Abstract
The objective of this study is to evaluate the effectiveness of being the leader of the free world as a non-medical intervention for preventing cognitive decline in the elderly. This paper presents findings from a randomized control study conducted over 3.5 years with a sample of one participant aged 78-81 and a control group aged 74-78. The results indicate that although there has been a noticeable decline in cognitive ability, the difference was determined to be insignificant (p<NaN) compared to an equivalent elderly man of similar golf scores. These findings suggest that being elected the President of the United States may be a viable strategy for mitigating cognitive decline among older adults.
Keywords: Positive psychiatry of aging, POTUS, cognitive aging, dementia, schizophrenia, collaborative care
1. Introduction
Cognitive decline is a major concern among the elderly population, affecting quality of life and independence. Traditional medical approaches have limitations and side effects unlike non-medical interventions. It has been long theorized that a stressful job, such as becoming the head of the executive branch of government for a nation of 333 million people, has been proposed as a potential strategy, due to its constant engagement to include long conversations, briefings, international travel, social engagement, public speaking, and occasionally declaring war on foreign powers.
This was not the first time becoming the commander in chief has been tested as a method to prevent cognitive decline in older adults. Unfortunately, it is difficult to test the elderly in this condition as it is only possible for one person to be POTUS at a time so the data in this field has been highly limited. In [1], another group of adults (N=1) were tested from 1981-1989. While many believed the test group maintained their mental acuity, it was later revealed that some declining cognitive behavior was hidden from the dataset by testers in the later years of the study rendering the results of [1] inconclusive.
2. Methodology
In order to study the effects of being an active POTUS on the ability to maintain cognitive ability, we were required to get a participant elected and measure mental aptitude in several categories during their term.
2.1 Participants
Thankfully, while difficult for most prospective participants, it is surprisingly easy to get old white men elected into the office. Using a strict selection criteria, only 5 candidates over 70 were assessed via primary, only two made it to the final selection stage and only 1 was qualified for the study via a controversial popular vote.
The subject that made it past the secondary selection process was then selected to develop the baseline for later comparison as the control group. Both are shown in Figure 1. Two selected participants doubled the sample size from the previous study [1].
2.2 Data Collection
Cognitive function was assessed using various methods including standardized tests [2], visual puzzles [3], escape rooms [4], decreasing inflation [5], and the ability to expand NATO [6]. Baseline measurements were sampled annually for the participant and the control POTUS group before being scored by approval poll.
2.3 Statistical Analysis
Data was analyzed using a basic hypothesis test to compare the two candidates. Differences between groups were evaluated using an independent t-test. A p-value of 0.05 was considered statistically significant because that’s what everyone does and we don’t question tradition. We imagine having only 2 data points will simplify the analysis.
3. Results
According to the results, both test subjects have experienced cognitive decline at a normal rate. It is increasingly suspicious that they both refused to take cognitive tests. Between the small sample size and a small difference in age distribution between the test subject and the control group. With a p-value of NaN, we were not sure whether we had to reject or accept the null hypothesis or we just sucked at statistics. The baseline characteristics of the participants are summarized in Table 1 with their population standard deviation.
| POTUS | Control | |
| Standardized Test | Refused to Test | Refused to Test |
| Visual Puzzles | Refused to Test | Refused to Test |
| Escape Rooms | Still Stuck in West Wing | 1 +/-%0 |
| Decreasing Inflation | 0.0% +/-%0 | 0% +/–%0 |
| Expanding NATO | 2 Nations | 0 Nations |
There were no significant differences between the POTUS group and control group in terms of nearly every category. While the POTUS was able to add two more nations to NATO, the control group was capable of escaping prison by stacking the supreme courts. Both participants were incredibly uncooperative. They just kept challenging each other in golf and refusing to take any cognitive tests. Additionally, despite being blamed for it, the POTUS group claimed to have lowered inflation by 5.79% despite the fact that the Fed controls inflation.
4. Discussion
While the results appear to be inconclusive when comparing each group, the POTUS group appears to have been reportedly mentally positive, physically healthy, and loves it so much he doesn’t want to stop experimenting. In one attempt to collect data, the POTUS group not only stayed up past 10pm (2 hours past his 8pm bedtime) in a debate, he answered every single question according to his wife. Careful contextual analysis of both participants’ answers suggested that they both had no connection to reality and that the control group was just more confident.
These findings are consistently inconsistent with previous studies [1,5-6] which were similarly thrown out for low sample counts. In order to better understand the solution to cognitive decline more data is required. Our ethics board is strongly advising us to quit testing our hypothesis before a real crisis occurs after 8pm or America breaks out into a civil war. Despite their advice we managed to line up two candidates above the age of 75 once again!
5. Conclusion
In conclusion, America is screwed.
References
- Eustace P. Squillerbea: 1989 How to Defeat the Soviet Union by Sustaining our Elders using Mega-Reagan :: America’s Secret Book of Presidential Secrets
- Wechsler, D. 2008. Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale for Really Fucking Old People – Fourth Edition (WAISrfop-IV). Pearson.
- Orbrtuth, G., Hanglespeeth Q., & Odoacerdette K. 2016. Silly Block Puzzles for Silly Adults—Second Edition (SBPSA). Harbgarblety Psychometrics.
- Macalester, G. & Stroop. T. 2014. Cambridge Assessment Psychometric Escape Room Kit—Fourth Edition. Cambridge University Press.
- Galazagga 3T., Brizz-Nargler H., Franzapranza %G., Hrazzargrath $., & Krazzdanxgra G9. 2165 (timeline 27235638254-K). U.S. Government Inflation Control Operation Handbook for Non-Lizard People and Other Beings. International Federation of Lizard People. IFoLP Interuniversal Press (Quadrant 9¥).
- Hrazzargrath $. & Krazzdanxgra G9. 2137 (timeline 27235638254-K). Expansion or Modification of Multilateral Intergovernmental Organizations on Planet Earth Guidebook and Troubleshooting Manual, Volume 16 [L-P]. International Federation of Lizard People. IFoLP Interuniversal Press (Quadrant 9¥).
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