Health Effects of Non-Hotboxing Vaping in Rat Populations of Human-Realistic Social Conditions

XTaculon J.^1,2 

Big Jon¹

¹Department of Drip Technologies, Cranberry-Lemon University Medical School, Pittsburgh, PA, USA

²Co-Owner and Manager of Cloud Haven Vape Shop

Abstract

Studies of determining the health effects of Electronic Cigarettes have become increasingly popular. Ever since smokers started switching to vapes and kids started sneaking cotton candy flavors into school, there has been an endless stream of flaming grant money the likes of which have never been seen by another health crisis. At least a health crisis that hasn’t been classified as a pandemic; with the exception of panicky parents who call everything a pandemic. Qualifiers aside on how much you should care about this paper, they’re doin it all wrong! Every single study sticks some rats or mice into some chamber with some BS cheese flavored juice they bought off of Craigs list and let the rodent’s hot box the stuff until one keels over! We’re gonna do a real study where the rats vape like normal people. The rats are going to do it right with carefully mixed juice and a cooler rig. No hot boxing! Our rats will have nice vape pens if their classy and a box rig with adjustable voltage if you really wana increase their cloud level. This is gonna be a real study, for vapers, by vapers! The vaping rats had a worse TNF-α, PIF, among other factors but their clout level was off the charts!

Keywords:  Vaping, Lung Health, Massive Drip, Dope Rats, Cool Ass Vape Rigs, Rat Schools, Lung Health, Regulation is for Communist China, E-Cigarettes, Cessation, Mega Dope Vape Rigs, Institutional Trust, Juice

1. Introduction

First off, yeah, I hot box [1], my friends hot box [2], most of us hot box [3]. However, we’re not hotboxing all the time [4]. As you can see from the figure 1, there’s nothing natural or representative in a typical traditional vaping experiment [5]. What we’re proposing here is we get some rats together, maybe even some trying to quit cigarettes, and get them in a real communal environment. We’d be able to show the positive social health effects of vaping and not just what happens when ya pump in cheap ass juice dripped on a car battery like some hack scientists.

Okay, second off, the whole thing about the flavors getting kids hooked on vaping is total BS [6]. When I was a kid, we smoked cigarettes and the ones my uncle let me bum for school tasted like ass! They were like freakin Chesterfields and after he left them outside for days. We smoked just as much as the kids are vaping now. In this study, we’ll show definitively that rats are gonna smoke whatever they want. I don’t need government regulation telling me what flavors I can and can’t vape, this isn’t communist China, this is America [7]!

Finally, we won’t be using any made up scientific contraptions that don’t hit well on these rats [5]. It’s gonna be some of the best rigs real vaper’s use. I’m talking coils that get that thick cloud that makes you feel like you’re flying through a thunderstorm ya know what I mean man? This rig’s gonna drip so hard the scientists telling me I have to pay an extra 200$/mo into my health insurance are gonna be like ‘damn bro, you’re right, mind if I take a hit off of that’ No you can’t, I don’t want your sell out science germs all over my rig, you wouldn’t even be able to handle it anyway [8]. 

2. Rat Social Conditions

A fully functioning rat town was created populated by four hundred rats and they have everything they need to maintain a rat society [9]. The three conditions we’ll need to show what the real health effects are on rats and address everyone’s concerns are a percentage of cigarette addicted rats, a growing social stigma, and a rat school where all the little rat children just gotta chill out. Additionally, some super fine vape rigs and juice’s gonna get standardized for the experiment.

2.1 Population of Cigarette Addicted Rats

    After we created our rat town, we dropped in a few cartons of Marlboro lights and two BIC’s lighters in case one ran out of fuel [10]. Just before any of the rat institutions could catch on to what we were doing, we paid off their regulatory agencies to downplay any negative health effects of smoking. To establish the addiction and create a smoking culture we posted Cool Mike rat posters to put forth a bad boy vibe to get some of the more alternative rats smoking. 

2.2 Growing Social Stigma

     Just when the smoking population stabilized to about 40% we stopped paying off the rat town’s regulatory agency and dropped in decades of research on how bad smoking is for their health. Even though 80% of the rat population could read, only 20% of the rat population chose to read, and only 2% of the rat population read scientific research. A slow social stigma began to form but at a rate that we lost a lot of rats to stages of lung cancer you’re doctors too kind to tell you about. Rats were no longer allowed to smoke in public areas or near their hamster wheel and the local government created a sin tax on smoking. Despite the rigorous research, a sizable ~15% of the rat population didn’t believe their friends who read the research or the growing propaganda posters we left in their cages of dead rats with cigarettes in their hands. It was a little fucked to be honest.

2.3 Rat School

     In order to test whether or not flavors were causing adolescent rat children to vape more, or whether or not the rat kids got hooked on nicotine through vaping we had to create a human accurate rat version of school. This was a tough one. We first had to create a way to force adolescent rats to sit still for eight hours a day while listening to an adult rats squeak at them about something for their own good. Only then could they be infantilized enough to represent modern teenagers. 

     Naturally, the teacher rats could be replaced with an animatronic, but the teenager rats had to be real. After applying the research from [11], the teenager rats were turned into high school students by a clever combination of a sugar pill reward at the end of each class period and social cues for long term gain as developed in [12]. Rats who didn’t finish a year’s worth of sitting through lectures from animatronic rat’s squeak were stuck with dead end jobs and their homes were half the size of the rats who did complete their schooling. It took about three hundred generations of rats to achieve but we got it. After each rat child was given three electrical shocks after touching a cigarette the proper conditions were established. I mean when I was a kid, they didn’t shock me, but they might as well have and that REALLY made me want to light up. What were they hiding from me? Now I know it was Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD).

     Two final animatronic rats were introduced who introduced vaping to the rat children. One control rat introduced a tobacco flavor and a mint flavor. Lame. The second was given a pre-approved list of tropical fruit flavors and some cheese flavors; which I guess the cheese flavors would be kinda cool for a rat. If the same number of rats got hooked from the cheese flavors than the bland ones, then we’d know that the effect of flavor’s is insignificant (a.k.a. all these new laws are bull shit!).

3. Vaping Rig

     As previously mentioned, the hot boxing rigs of prior research sucks. Like no one hot boxes like that. Except maybe my friend Eli. That dude, according to some of these studies, is apparently at risk of some future health problems but this study’s not about Eli, it’s about me and all my sensible friends that know some moderation. 

3.1 Cool Rat Pen

     Now some rats want to be subtle about their vaping and get all classy. You know who I’m talkin about. Now we could have just given them Juul’s but that company wasn’t cooperating for some reason and thought our rat school idea was stupid. They eventually stopped responding to my emails so we came up with this super cool vape pen shown in figure 4. 

     Now that’s one classy pen right there. You gonna sign a mortgage for a house with that thing? Now it isn’t for me and my fellow drip masters. You’re not gonna blow out a room with your massive vape clouds with that thing but you’ll sure as hell pull it out in front of all your friends for a quick hit and slip it right back into your pocket. Anyway, the rats loved it.

3.2 Vape Enthusiast Rig

     Now for the rats that really wanted to make some clouds got this vape rig below in figure 5. The FYR-x3400 rig has a 1,800 mAH battery with a copper THU coil that’ll have these rats dabbin for days. Oh yeah, it’s got an adjustable voltage for a custom vaping experience between 2.1-6.3V. The casing is a beautiful pattern that is wicked sweet. It’s got a silver aluminum casing, real stone casing, I mean, it’s got everything. Now if the feds are talking about banning something that gets kids into vaping, they’d ban this. Except they won’t because anyone who can see this thing would know that vaping is dope AF! 

3.3 Juice

     We’re only using the safest juice. All it is is 3% nicotine, 40% glycerine, 45% propolyne glycol, and some very safe flavoring. All our flavors are the Bomb dot com my man. We don’t need the government regulating all our flavors or the entire market’s gonna get controlled by Juul. We know how to self-regulate. None of that dangerous butter flavoring that gives you popcorn lung. 

3. Results

I’ll start with the good news. The number of cigarette smoker rats really decreased. Not like they all stopped smoking, but you know, they umm, they really cut back. Usage dropped like 79% or something like that. Just check out Figure 6 bro.

Now to the bad news. Okay, so some of the rats started getting a cough, but it’s nothing, we’re pretty sure they have colds. Yeah, they have been apparently running a little slower on their hamster wheels but look. There are things these rats are getting that the others aren’t. 

To show what we mean in table 1, we’ve got lung health metrics like Blood Oxygen Saturation, Tumor Necrosis Factor Alpha (TNF-α), Peak Inspiratory Flow (PIF) and yeah, they don’t look great for the rats that have been vaping. But hey, there’s more to life than being able to run a 14-minute mile. Like do They Know It’s Real in Real Deal Ratings (RDRs), what’s their Clout Level (ml/m^3) or their normalized Drip Factor (unitless). Unfortunately the flavored vs non-flavored question was inconclusive due to the rats mixing their own juice no matter what we did to be discussed in the next section.

	No Vaping	Non-Flavor Vaping	Flavored Vaping
Blood Oxygen Saturation	95.5%	88.25	86.9%
Daily Wheel Distance	52.4Yds	22.3Yds	23.7
TNF-α	212.8pg/mL	1181pg/mL	1472pg/mL
PIF	2.9mL/s	2.6mL/s	2.7mL/s
They know its Real	12.0 RDRs	83.2 RDRs	112.2 RDRs
Clout Level	0.03 ml/m^3	1.02 ml/m^3	1.23 ml/m^3
Drip Factor (normalized)	0.23	1.45	2.02

4. Discussion

Now I don’t want to blame our test subjects, but I kinda have to on this experiment. We gave them amazing juice we vetted ourselves for toxins and all that. We also gave them some freaking Dope ass vape rigs and pens. That absolutely did not stop all the rats from mixing their own juice and creating their own mods. Like they could have been hittin dried out cotton swabs on some of these rigs we found in their cages. That must have been harsh man. Like, they scored high on their drip factor for coming up with their own rigs, that’s freakin cool dude. But there’s no telling what effects they introduced going off the standard set of equipment and juices. I don’t even know where they found the ingredients to mix their own juice that could have been anywhere. We attempted to confiscate any non-regulated material, but it didn’t stop any rats from livin their own lives ya know?  

Don’t say we didn’t try to tell the rats they were deviating from the parameters of the experiment. We tried. We put up posters, we confiscated some of their custom juices and rigs but it didn’t seem to do anything. They kept on at it. One ongoing theory among the bros is that those rats man, they just didn’t trust us anymore. We gave them those cigs and told them it was safe; then told them it wasn’t? Damn. I don’t think they trust us. They don’t trust science as an institution. I mean, I don’t think they trust anyone. We even convinced a whole three generations of rats that if they did what they were told and did well in school they’d live a comfortable life. But like, a lot of em aren’t that happy and can’t support themselves. Like, how can we get rats to do anything if that’s our view of us. I don’t want to get all philosophical in my journal paper, but I mean, fuck man I need a smoke. 

Okay, now second of all. I know that it doesn’t look like vaping was good for any of the rat’s…health wise. Yeah. Fair enough. But let me ask you, look at figure 7 and tell me, which one of those rats do ya think you’d have a great time with…Obvs the one on the right that got into vaping. The one on the left’s probably named Clarence and like listens to Top 40’s. When you weigh the health effects and the social ones, I think vaping’s just fine. 

5. Conclusion

So yeah man, we tested some rats, and honestly, this is the most realistic vaping experiment ever completed. All those studies out their sticking rodents into plexiglass death traps and have them breath nothing but vape have already reached their own conclusions. They just have a stick up their ass and don’t like smokers or vapers. You can trust us to do the science right, we know vaping so we should be the ones to test it and interpret the results.  

6. Acknowledgement

This study was paid for entirely by Cloud Haven Vape shop at the strip mall off of I-75 and Main Street between the Subway and the Dollar General open 11am-11pm every day of the week except for the third Wednesday of the month since that’s the Drip King himself Jimmy’s maw’s pot roast night. The only vape shop with over 300 unique flavors that will get your Clout on.

References

1. Xtaculon J. 2018 I Hot Box All Day ErrDay: Make the most of your Juice :: Journal of Drip Dynamics
2. Easy B., Xtaculon J. 2019 My Friends Hot Box: Optimum Methods for Chillin Out :: Puff Behavior Quarterly
3. Jumpin Jimmy, Xtaculon J. Et al. 2020 Most of us Hot Box: Quit Getting on to Me About Setting off the Fire Alarm All the time :: :: Annals of E-Cig and Clout Research
4. Xtaculon J. and Cesar 2018 Get off my back Mom, I Don’t Hot Box All the Time :: Puff Behavior and Public Health Review
5. Miliano, Cristina et al. “Modeling drug exposure in rodents using e-cigarettes and other electronic nicotine delivery systems.” Journal of neuroscience methods vol. 330 (2020): 108458. doi:10.1016/j.jneumeth.2019.108458 
6. Big Jon, Xtaculon J. et al. 2022 These Flavor Laws are Bullshit Man: A Comparative Analysis of Regulatory Capture in The Vaping Market :: Vaping and Dabtacular Cloud Studies
7. My main man Phil and Xtaculon J. 2022 Like I’m not sure you’re aware but This is a Free Country: Let’s not let the Normies Ruin America :: Just An Observation Magazine
8. Metro Mike and Xtaculon J. 2023 A Theoretical Design of Dope Vape Mods for Maximum Clout Control in Design of Experiments :: IEEE Journal of Drip Technologies and Vaping Excelence
9. Pinky, Brain, et al. 2012 A Roadmap to Recreating A Human-Inspired Rat Society :: Journal of World Domination
10. Cesar and Xtaculon J.  2014 The Upper Lighter Reliability Limit: BICs as the Theoretical Limit on Lighter Performance :: Annals of Smokers and Smoking Technology
11. Pinky, Brain, et al.  2013 Educate the Furry Masses: How to Institute Rat Education and Take Over the World :: Journal of World Domination
12. Pinky, Brain, et al.  2014 Creating the Superior Teenager: On Human Adolescent Models in Rat Behavior :: Journal of World Domination

Before Publishing this paper, I had a dream that I turned this into a Highschool english teacher. They wrote on it, “45% Please see me after class there’s something wrong with you bring every copy of this paper you’ve made because it must be destroyed”, so I know it’s as stupid as I was shooting for

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