The Dincus and Nimbius Californicus Species Effects on Nine-Banded Armadillo Migration Patterns

a screaming hairy armadillo

Dr. Everette “Buckets” Boone

1 Department of Texas History, Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA


Despite Austin’s welcoming environment and natural habitat, the local Nine-Banded Armadillo appears to be migrating Northwards at an accelerated rate due to invasive Californicus species. While originally attracted to the abundant nesting locations throughout South and Central Texas, environmentalists have measured a mysterious drop in the Armadillo population in the last two years. In recent history, many Armadillos have migrated North into Texas from Mexico to escape environmental and economic hardship, and due to a blossoming Texas tech sector. Some experts believe that they have now become priced out and forced to move further North due to a more crowded environment as well as the introduction of new natural predators. This paper will review the original cause of the Armadillo’s migration into Austin Texas as well as the recent environmental changes forcing the North American Xenarthra species to the Dallas Fort-Worth area and worse, Tulsa.

Keywords: Armadillos, Dincus Californicus, Nimbius Californicus, Migration, Climate Change, Cilantro Poisoning

1. Introduction

As North America’s average temperature has steadily risen, the native Nine-Banded Armadillo have as well moved from their original Central American Environment Northwards into Texas. While the current climate models have predicted the species to move further North, their migration has quickly accelerated by the invasive California species of Tesla driving DINC species recently dubbed Dincus Californicus by the scientific community and their extremely territorial cousins Nimbius Californicus. Worsening environmental conditions [1] as well as socio-economic factors [2] have accelerated this migration to unfathomed levels city Smug levels [3]. Due to these second order effects caused by the harsh Western US environment, these mammals are scurrying ever further North faster than previous projections as shown in Figure 1.

Figure 1: Armadillo mean habitat change 2000-2022. Source: congressionally mandated Armadillo four year census data analysis
Figure 1: Armadillo mean habitat change 2000-2022. Source: congressionally mandated Armadillo four year census data analysis

Due to the extensive access to water, abundant food sources, and vast open range, most environmentalists believed that it wouldn’t be until 2130 until the Armadillo population moved completely North of Highway 20, the creatures natural barrier. Now, some believe this may occur within our lifetimes in the next twenty years. According to recent speculation presented in this paper, this is not caused directly by climate change but indirectly due to the increased predatory populations and a decrease in available affordable nesting burrows.

2. Historic Migration Factors

The Nine-Banded Armadillos steady migration North out of Mexico and into Texas and the rest of the American South East has been observed since 1850. With predators limited to coyotes, automobiles, and other large land dwelling creatures, the armored mammals have found a natural habitat in Texas due to many different positive factors than their previous habitat in Mexico. 

2.1 Food Abundance

Texas, and especially Austin, has cultivated an ever blossoming food culture. Ever since the advent of the American beef industry, Texans have long lived off of everything beef and cheese leaving everything else for the Armadillos. Mixing American cuisine and Mexican, Armadillos have flocked to and multiplied in much of Eastern Texas. While Xenarthra species eat more vegetation and bugs than meat, scientists have postulated that it’s impossible to not like brisket, especially from Rudy’s [4]. 

Armadillo eating natural diet of brisket from Rudy’s
Figure 2: Armadillo eating natural diet of brisket from Rudy’s Charles J. Sharp , CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons Arnold Gatilao from Oakland, CA, USA, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

2.2 Job Market

Originally migrating into America for the expanding and reliable job market growing from the cattle sector, Armadillos have remained prevalent in Texas for the growing number of tech jobs [5]. With better pay, easier working conditions, and on average higher job satisfaction, it’s no wonder, Armadillos remained prevalent near Austin for as long as they have. With quality tech sector degrees earned at University of Texas Austin, Armadillos could remain competitive in many high tech markets despite their lower finger dexterity/typing speed. Whether it’s the absence of the income tax, or the go get ‘em attitude, most Armadillo’s have found little reason to migrate North into the great plains or further up the East Coast for higher paying but more demanding finance sector New York jobs. 

2.3 Environmental Safety

Armadillos have additionally moved North out of Mexico to avoid being hunted and consumed by human predators. While Armadillo’s are eaten by native Mexican and Texan humans, the fear of catching leprosy has decreased protestant Texan consumption compared to the primarily Catholic central Americas due to a Lentile season dietary restriction loophole. Many catholics believe that Armadillos are okay to eat, in some parts of Central America, they do [X] because of desperation and a loose interpretation of Catholic customs. 

The dangers of these predators desperate for some meat have pushed these creatures far North above the Rio Grande, the previous natural barrier, where the inhabitants would only become predators out of desperation. According to [6], there are much better things to eat in Texas and the South East. Even the joke of putting a beer bottle in a dead Armadillos hands to make it look like they’re rip roaring drunk has lost its appeal.  

3. Accelerated Northward Migration

Armadillo tracking was measured in two different ways, one limited approach in which we attached GPS trackers to their back left foot. This method was so limited in scope due to losing budget to a new Cranberry Lemon water polo practice pool. But we’re not pointing fingers. The second option was to observe web traffic geolocation for the search query “Does truck bed Armor spray work on plates of dermal bones covered in scutes” a relatively common phrase among armadillos looking to beef up their protective shell after some wear and tear. The answer is no by the way.

Figure 3: Projected Northern Migration vs Observed
Figure 3: Projected Northern Migration vs Observed

As shown in figure 3, the northward migration of Armadillo’s tracked above average with climate projections before quickly accelerating around the announcement of Joe Rogan’s move to Austin as well as Elon Musk’s announcement to move the Tesla headquarters there. According to the web traffic tracker, the Armadillo’s are migrating well above the highway 20 barrier and have even been seen reaching as high as interstate 40. With the new projection, interstate 70 appears to be the new natural barrier of the Armadillo species reaching deep into the midwest. With only enough data to show the correlation between the Californicus subspecies and Armadillo Migration, either more data will be needed to show causation or a convincing amount of speculation. 

4. Armadillo Habitat Changes

In recent years, the Dincus Californicus species population in Eastern Texas has skyrocketed. With the highest concentrations near cities like Austin and even as far East as Atlanta, they have drastically changed the environment. While some speculate this drive in West to East migration is a result of climate change and the growing Western wildfires, some believe it’s a result of overpopulation as well as an escape from self-afflicted negative environmental effects. Both the Nimbius and Dincus genus of land dwelling mammals are extremely territorial, almost as much with each other as they are with other creatures [7]. 

4.1 New Invasive Predators

Despite the lower intentional hunting by Californicus species, their automobiles tend to be the most deadly predator towards armadillos. A recent 2021 study showed that an increase in Dincus Californicus population tends to be followed by an increase in self-driving cars on the roadways [8]. Though safer for other cars, these autonomous vehicles have yet to be trained to avoid armadillos due to a lack of training data collected in armadillo habitats. Even worse for the safety of the armadillo population, many self-driving cars control systems have been trained on a hybrid cheetah brain model for additional speed, which increases aggression to smaller animals [9]. With the autonomous vehicle population increasing, it’s no wonder armadillos are migrating North so quickly.

4.2 More Crowded Environment

As shown in [7], the increasing Californicus population’s territorial nature has caused a much more crowded environment in historic armadillo wildernesses and neighborhoods. The space and economic pressures of the invasive species has left a large portion of the native armadillo southern US population on the brink of homelessness as shown in figure 4. 

Armadillo Burrow with Foreclosure sign
Figure 4: Armadillo Burrow with Foreclosure sign Giovanna Colombi, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Despite the still strong job market, a livable Armadillo burrow just 4ft wide and 5ft deep is going for 125k on Zillow on the open market in Austin. Due to the tendency of burrowing mammals to be lower income and stick to renting due to the risk of flooding, many Texan armadillos are being priced out of the market. With lower finger dexterity, most Armadillos are paid a quarter as much as their competition in the tech sector and are unable to pay the 1k/mo rent which the invasive Californicus species views as a bargain compared to Bay area burrows half that size.   

4.3 Cilantro Contaminated Food Sources

It’s a well documented fact that Armadillos have that gene which makes cilantro taste like lemon scented Dawn hand soap [10]. One curious second order effect measured in environments with high Californicus populations is the oversaturation of food with Cilantro. In a dietary study, biologists determined that adding the poppy-freshness taste of cilantro was the only way to trick the Californicus into thinking chicken and other meat is a salad [11]. This adaptation saved the Californicus population which began to starve itself in the 1980s fitness craze by making protein and caloric dense food more palatable to the vegetation obsessed land dwelling mammal.

Figure 5: Cilantro vs Californicus Subspecies Population
Figure 5: Cilantro vs Californicus Subspecies Population

Measured across several Texan and South Eastern cities by conservationists, cilantro concentration in food sources have trended upwards following a hundred day delay with an increase in Californicus migration. Once the cilantro food levels reach 3,000 parts per million, most Armadillos begin searching for different sources of food as observed in a food truck rally study in San Antonio [12]. 

5. Conclusion

According to these new projections the midwest is looking to become the new home of the nine-banded armadillo. Due to deeper cold weather snaps in these northern territories, some conservationists are concerned that it may endanger these often forgotten woodland critters. With the balance of the ecosystem in jeopardy, some advocates are calling for the creation of wildlife refuges. The only other option would be smarter zoning laws which have no hope of ever being approved at a municipal level. 

6. References

  1. Jeffers, T. 2017 You Guys gotta get out of here; California is about to be on fire forever! :: Journal of the Environmental Panic
  2. Jeffers, T. 2018 Holy F*$#, There’s a lot of Homeless in LA, Get somewhere you can buy a gun :: Journal of the Societal Panic
  3. Jeffers, T. 2019 Why you can’t have a normal conversation anymore on the West Coast :: Journal of the Moral Panic
  4. Fieri, G. 2015 Wow, these Rudy’s Gas Station Stops are a One way Ticket to Flavortown :: Annals of Diners Drive Ins and Dives
  5. Calculon T. I. 2008 The Armadillo’s Role in Producing a 120$ Calculator :: Journal of Academic Scams
  6. Williams L. 2018 The Best 47 Places to get a Bite to eat in Austin :: Lindsey Williams Food Blog
  7. Boone, Everette 2018 The Causal Role of Nimbius/Dincus Californicus in Terrible Zoning Laws :: Journal of Enviro-Neighborhood Engineering
  8. Johnson, E 2021 E-Vehicle Californicus Correlation: The Rise of the Tesla Superiority Complex :: Journal of Automotive Marketing 
  9. De Santa F. 2020 Novel Techniques for Hijacking Self-Driving Cars :: Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology
  10. Boone, Everette 2019 The Armadillo-Mexicali Inverse Food Curve: An Armadillo Food Preference Meta Study :: Journal of Eco-Foodism
  11. Hilberts, K 2007 The Cilantro Gambit: How to get Valley Girls to eat more :: Journal of Raising Teenagers
  12. Boone, Everette 2021 A Food Truck-Animal Attraction Meta Analysis of the Armadillo Cilantro-Tolerance  :: Journal of Herbicological Conservationism

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Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

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