Dr. Dan ‘Coach’ Getz,1 Dr. Ned ‘Assistant Coach’ Göeing1
1 Department of Theoretical Physical-Education, Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
What are you doing sitting down? You think you’re going to get rid of those love handles by just replacing chicken with tofu and lying on the couch rewatching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for the fourth time this year? Get up and get moving! Those pounds aren’t going to melt away by thinking about going for a run ! Thoughts don’t get the heart rate up . Intentions don’t burn calories . Plans won’t let you fit back into your size 32 pants, so you don’t have to drop three hundred dollars at JC Pennies every time Taco Bell has a collaboration project with Doritos . In this paper, I’m going to get you out of the house, moving, and burning that fat so that you can blame your poor dating success on your personality and not your physical appearance.
Keywords: Get off that Couch, Dropping Down and Doing 20, RUN, No Pain No Gain, Not Being a Bitch, Faster!
I don’t care just stop. Put down that remote. Turn off the TV. No this can’t wait until later. There’s no better time than now, get your gym shorts on. Lace up those shoes. We’re going for a workout and it’s not going to just be a casual walk. It’s the sort of workout that’ll get that blood pumping through your grossly clogged arteries featured in heart attack PSA videos.
We know you’ve said you’d cut back on the sweety-salty food but it’s just too hard, and there’s only one way to get that body back into shape. Movement! After a lot of hemming and hawing about getting a gym membership and finally doing something to fight off that dad bod, you finally asked your Theoretical Phys-Ed coach to help you do something about it and well here I am! You’ve tried every fad diet you’ve found  and now you only have one choice but to do push-ups, sit-ups, burpees, and run lines until you puke!
Let’s face it, you do not have the discipline to diet your way out of this one. The only way you’re going to reduce your body’s Lipid layers (a.k.a. FAT) is to start working out like you needed all those calories in the first place! You’re pushing thirty pounds above your fighting weight, and you need to be able to do a pull up before you can blame your high BMI on having too much muscle weight.
As shown in figure 1 your diet has been absolute GARBAGE! According to your health record, you don’t have the personal discipline to stay away from those value meals .
Back in the day you used to be a real athlete. Turns out, you just had good genes and now age has caught up with you and you can’t lean on your fast metabolism any longer. Now look at you, making it from week to week barely finding the time to get a walk in. Now you’re out of breath opening that amazon package which used way too much plastic clear tape.
Today we’re going to start by with a few simple exercises. You ready? Don’t care
According to a recent study done in  you have eaten waaaay to many moon pies! I want you to apply equation one to integrate your moon pie consumption rate between now and the third grade and subtract the number of F&$#s I give to determine the number of push-ups (PUs) you’re about to do! Here’s a hint, I give zero F&$#s!
PUs= 3rd GradeNowMoonPieCRxdx-Num oFs I Give
Equation 1: Pushup Calculation Equation
Calculate your answer? Yeah, it’s a lot so get going. Lower. Lower. Lower. Okay, that’s one.
Maybe you’ll get up from the couch more if you practice the motion a little more often. I’m going to need you on the ground with your legs up at a 90-degree angle. Coach Getz will hold your feet down. Now I’m going to need you to reach up as high as figure 2!
Now 50 more and you might grow a little muscle underneath that cooler of a gut! That looked to easy, 50 more!
This ain’t the presidential fitness test and one mile isn’t going to undo a decade’s worth of Vinny’s Calzone’s and strawberry Milkshakes. Now get on that track and just start running. Do three laps and then you can stop for some water. Then we’ll be moving on to the hill for some hill sprints. I don’t care if you’re calves are starting to cramp up, maybe you should get your potassium and vitamin C somewhere other than mimosa’s in-between waffle bites. Twenty more minutes on those hills and you can finally have some Gatorade for something other than recovering from a bad hangover.
4. Results and Discussion
As shown in table 1, you are really out of shape and need to work out way more if you ever want to get in shape again!
|Pushups||Sit Ups||Run Time|
|Expected||500||3000||5k in 23:04|
|Measured||Not Enough!||Not Enough||Not Fast Enough|
In every metric used in this study, you are severely in need of some discipline and two a days until you undo years’ worth of stress eating. Further analysis has revealed that you’re at least three months of intense training away from avoiding lectures from your doctor about your high LDL level.
Congratulations, you finally got off your ass! That’s the first step, don’t quit!
6. Future Work
4am my place tomorrow. Bring a towel, a fifty-pound bag of rice, two cinder blocks and a change of underwear. Fifteen minutes early is on time!
- Getz, Dan 2018 Mike Tyson on Not Giving Up :: Inspirational Instagram Post
- Lee, Stacey 2019 Hill Climb Workout [Hard Core] :: LA Fitness Spin Class
- Getz, Dan 2018 Muhammed Ali on the Value of Hard Work:: Inspirational Instagram Post
- Getz, Dan 2018 Student Motivation and the Taco Bell Menu Expansion Exercise Inverse Correlation :: Annals of Gymology
- Reed, Brittany 2016 Essential Oils Diet: Lubricate your Intestines :: Unsubstantiated Health Blog
- Williams, Stacy 2017 The Banana Diet: Just Bananas! :: Unsubstantiated Health Blog
- Andersen, Geoff 2020 Dietetic Benefits of Simple Carbohydrates and bovine Byproduct in Low Earth Orbit :: Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology
- Bonhoffer, Bert 2021 An Unflattering Report of your own health Record and why your LDL Level is way too High :: Unsecure Family Dr. Clinic Records
- Getz, Dan 2022 A Meta Analysis of your Disgusting Way of Living :: Journal of Your Terrible Diet
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