Dr. Thomas Phantasy1, Dr. Benjamin Shamfield1 and Randal the Magnificent2
1 Cranberry-Lemon Medical School for Poor Test Takers, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
2 Stage Hypnotist, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
When treating existential dread caused by internet-induced delusions such as believing we are in a simulation or being controlled by 5G energy and/or vaccine microchips, traditional medicine, as well as placebos, often have limited efficacy. Those suffering from such existential and medical dread tend to mistrust doctors so much that any medical treatment will have more placebo-induced negative side effects than it will have positive ones. It is for this reason, that the employment of stage hypnotists and other advanced placebo administering techniques must be utilized to reach the population susceptible to wholistic influencers but not to medical credibility or the advertisements of big Pharma. This study found that hypnotists are 68% more effective at administering medical treatment than licensed medical doctors even when compared with an exclusive luxury club-induced placebo administration.
Keywords: Hypnotism, Placebos, Non-traditional Medicine, Dragon Hypnotism Procedure, Existential Dread, Internet Conspiracies, Hypnotic states, Clinical Psychotherapy, Spiritual Awareness, Anxiety Cures
Tragically, most medical practitioners and academics do not take hypnotism and other forms of street magic seriously as clinical procedures . Despite being widely proven across state fairs as a miracle cure for insomnia , low libido , and Chipotle addiction , hypnotism is rarely utilized or even considered in a clinical setting. Many medical researchers have stated plainly “If I can’t get my patients to believe me when I tell them they will die if they don’t change their diet, how would they believe I can hypnotize them”  and consider the approach to be medically infeasible. According to a recent study, the intersection of those who do not believe in modern medicine and are suffering from an internet conspiracy are highly likely to be susceptible to hypnotism  as shown in the Venn diagram below.
2. Literature Review
Before pesky regulatory agencies ensured the safety and effectiveness of medicine, hypnotism in the 19th and early 20th centuries was largely considered a normal medical treatment for Neurasthenia, Dementia, Cholera, Syphilis, and woman troubles . As shown in the figure below, many of these methods were first perfected by Jeremy the Great, London’s premier stage hypnotist and medical doctor.
Similarly, the placebo effect was widely popular in the 19th century before dying down in the 20th century because that’s when all medical ailments were cured by the conglomerate Bronson and Bronson . Now placebos began to be only used to back up the research of mass-produced modern medicine around the same time hypnotism was stigmatized as only being a stage trick after a scathing study from Bronson and Bronson  proved it ineffective to their effective modern medicine.
A short resurgence by the wonderful Rügger the Enchanter M.D. attempted to revitalize the usefulness of Hypnotism in medicine in the 1960s . At that time, he showed the effectiveness of hypnotism as a treatment for Spiritual Awakening , Fertility , Relationship Issues , and Chronic Pain and Anxiety . Unfortunately, Rügger the Enchanter’s research never caught on, especially after allegedly being assassinated and/or being disappeared by the CIA . Even more unfortunate, he kept most of his trance’s secret as proprietary knowledge. After his death, most of his notes and methodologies were lost in a mysterious fire at his ranch home in Simi Valley CA.
This wasn’t the end of Hypno-Medical techniques, as the Nordic popstar, inspirational speaker, stage magician, and world-class poker player Sonjî perfected a hypnotical technique that relieves all stress, anxiety, insomnia, and IBS, and clears up dermatological conditions [14-16]. While critiques have suggested that his research had reproducibility issues and was likely rushed through predatory journals in order to support his mail-order self-hypnosis VHS business. With this colorful history of hypnotism, we believe it can cure internet-induced existential dread once practiced with real and accredited medical doctors.
It is believed by the demographic research in  that with a certain set of patient demographics, hypnotism could be used as a mental aid to internet-induced existential dread. In this section, we will now outline the criteria for a patient for this study, and how each placebo method was administered.
3.1 Patient Eligibility
To ensure the patient eligibility fits our ethical and proposed standards, a patient must be suffering from existential dread from a widely nonsensical conspiracy. Next, the patient must be a level 18 susceptible or higher as determined by Honda’s estimation index on who is most likely to purchase All Gravel Undercoating Protection on a new vehicle . Next, a patient will be given a consent form to receive experimental therapy and the experiment will begin. As shown in the patient flow chart below, many patients did not make the cut due to their distrust of doctors.
We were only receiving consent for the hypnotherapy and none for the two traditional placebo pills presented as experimental medication until we informed the patients that we heard about the treatment on TikTok and was not a product of a major pharmaceutical company.
3.2 Traditional Placebo
Each placebo patient was told the following statements for each existential-dread-causing condition. The patients are given a sugar pill and told to take it with an OREO Cookies and Cream milkshake because our study was sponsored by a local fast food chain Burge Blast, the only provider of quality OREO Cookies and Cream Milkshakes in our area.
|Condition||Placebo Stated Effect|
|We are living in a simulation||This pill will give you Neo powers from the Matrix|
|Lizard people/Satan Worshipers run the government||This pill will see through government propaganda|
|Suffering from 5G energy||This pill will block your body from the 5G energy and repair your damaged tissues|
|Microchips in Vaccines||This pill will destroy the microchip|
|Alien Invasion Imminent||This pill will prepare your body for the incoming invasion and make you immune to alien telepathy|
3.3 Hypnotic Placebo
In order to induce the placebo effect, the patients were treated with the same beliefs as shown in Table 1 but their pills were administered after being hypnotized by Randal the Magnificent as shown in the figure below. He was a hypnotist recommended to us by Non-traditional Approaches to Unconventional Healing and Remedies (NATURAL) LLC. The company tracks and studies the effectiveness of hypnotherapy and other non-traditional treatments. According to NATURAL, Randal is a stage hypnotist who has been practicing hypnotherapy and cold plunge breath yoga for a decade.
Using the script shown in Appendix A, Randal attempted to convince each patient using either the script with encouragement in Table 1 or by convincing them to stop “doing their own research” while they were under hypnotic influence. Similar to the method demonstrated in Office Space Randal will simply never completely release the patient from their hypnotic state .
3.4 Luxury Placebo
Finally, patients who believe expensiveness or exclusiveness is the same as quality will be administered their sugar pill with the knowledge that each pill is the result of specialized gene therapy using Tom Brady’s biome , and billions of dollars of research money which synthesized the treatment into a pill which will give the patient supernatural mental health. Each patient will also be informed that they will have exclusive access to the drug after they have won a lottery they didn’t realize they had entered. Finally, each pill will be daily mailed in a mahogany and gold-laced container because as each patient will be told “they only expected billionaires would be able to afford it and that’s how they take medicine.” It will really be stained pine and painted aluminum.
4. Results and Discussion
Each patient we were able to follow up with reported their own well-being in a massive 60-page survey measuring the positive and/or negative effects of our placebos determining how they were feeling. By using the length of the survey, frustration revealed the true answer of their own well-being. According to the table below, the placebo effect worked better when administered with arbitrary luxury and vastly outperformed the traditional method when administered using Randal the Magnificent!
|We are living in a simulation||-8%||2%||50%|
|Lizard people/Satan Worshipers run the government||-12%||4%||34%|
|Suffering from 5G energy||-28%||18%||84%|
|Microchips in Vaccines||-20%||20%||112%|
|Alien Invasion Imminent||2%||4%||28%|
|We will all be replaced with AI||4%||8%||76%|
After applying some regression modeling for the data set by treating the method, and condition as a categorical variable, we measured a 68% increase in performance using Randal over a traditional placebo. Many would assume by large changes in the table 2 well-being percentage numbers that the increased performance of the Hypno-placebo would be larger. This will be discussed in the side effects portion of this paper as many participants did not return for a psychological evaluation. We tried to get ChatGPT to help with the statistics, but it told us that “Existential dread is often rooted in deeper philosophical or psychological concerns, and addressing it may require more comprehensive therapeutic interventions, cognitive-behavioral therapy, or even philosophical counseling” before telling us using placebos treatment was a dumb idea and not being useful at all to furthering medical research.
Based on the data points we gathered, much of the normal placebo effectiveness depended on the condition. For instance, a normal pill without a hypnotist did nothing for those who believed they lived in a simulation. Similarly, a larger increase in effectiveness was seen by the luxury placebo pills with those suffering from 5G, vaccine microchips, and corrupt government beliefs because the patients believed this is what the top 1% would be receiving for treatment. We also suspect that the lack of Neo-matrix powers was not a good way of handling patients who thought they were living in a simulation.
5. Side Effects
Administering sugar pills traditionally and with arbitrary luxury resulted in very minimal side effects. Some patients experienced heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, dizziness, sweating, and fatigue. Though a small minority reported an inability to complete regular bowel movements, we are unable to include this in our report through contractual obligations with Burger Blast and our promise to not disparage their world-famous OREO Cookies and Cream milkshakes.
Though the hypno-placebo patients who came back for further evaluations reported overwhelmingly positive results, we believe those who did not report back experienced further psychotic breakdowns after monitoring police radios. A handful of patients were accosted by authorities after experiencing mental health breakdowns in strip malls, power substations, and nearby neighborhoods reporting that “They saw the truth” and that “Everyone was out to get them.” The resulting incidents resulted in about two million dollars of property damage and five thousand dollars of stolen merchandise from Walmart, Kohl, GNC, and the Verizon store to “stop the oppression.” After a quick internet search and a long embarrassing discussion with Randal the Magnificent, it was only in hindsight that we realized that it is unwise to administer hypnosis to patients with a history of psychotic and/or mental illness. Further analysis will be required to determine the overall effectiveness of the unmeasured negative effects with the positive hypno-placebo effects once the eligibility requirements are updated.
The world of alternative medicine is often overlooked in the clinical sciences, particularly hypnotherapy. With the new findings in this paper regarding the demographics affected and harmed by non-traditional methods, we hope this study provides a basis to hypnotize the population into well-being without the need for expensive drugs or research from major pharmaceuticals many of these patients refuse to take.
7. Author Contributions
The concept of using hypnotists was originally proposed by the NATURAL organization with the implementation and data analysis equally accomplished by Dr. Phantasy and Shamfield. Because contributions were equal, the co-first authorship order was determined via the best of three rounds in Super Smash Bros. with a random number generator determining the map and character selection. Because Shamfield kept falling off of the map, he will forever be the co-author of this publication until he learns how to get good.
- Crangothy Timupples 1957 I Can’t Believe we have to Write this, but Please do not use Hypnotism or Witchcraft in a Medical Setting :: Federal Drug Administration Guidance
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Appendix A: Hypnotic Scripts
[Begin in a calm and soothing tone]
Close your eyes and find a comfortable place to imagine yourself sitting down. Cross your legs and focus on your breathing.
[Pause to allow for breathing]
Imagine the weight of your body lifting up into the sky. You are in the sky, focus on the fluffy clouds. Touch and taste the fluffy clouds.
[Pause for thirty seconds and apply pressure to the forehead]
Now imagine a wave of tranquility washing over you from the top of your head and flowing down through your body. I want you to look straight up and imagine a blanket of clouds engulfing your body. Keep looking up. Picture gusts of clouds releasing tension and worry from your body. It’s fresh but not wet, you can no longer open your eyes. Try to open your eyes.
[Pause for ten seconds until they realize they cannot open their eyes and slowly begin applying pressure to their legs]
Now feel the weight as you become trapped in your state in the sky. You are now engulfed by a warm peaceful light surrounding you. As you breathe in imagine the light becoming brighter. As you breathe out, imagine the light becoming dim.
[Pause for a minute and observe their breathing]
As you continue breathing, I want you to now imagine a dragon. The dragon is large and powerful with red scales and green wings flying gracefully through the sky. I want you to focus your breathing on the dragon’s movement. Imagine as he twists left and right through the air. You are that dragon. Your name is Calciphrax and you are in control. You have flown around the earth for a thousand years and you are more powerful than the world’s greatest sorcerer. You have the magical powers of flight, telekinesis, and fire breathing. Now imagine that power inside of you and your new-age
[Pause as the patient begins to imagine themselves as a dragon]
I want you to now focus more on your breathing as it controls your flight back down to the ground you see a meadow full of sheep, there are eighteen sheep wondering and you are hungry. You want to eat one. Focus on your breathing in and out.
[Pause for three deep breaths]
That breath is your dragon’s breath, you have blue flames inside of you and you are about to release it on those sheep. Pick which sheep you want and imagine it as a delicious dinner. I want you to feel your body float in the air as you descend down to that field.
[Pause for a few seconds to allow the patient to become weightless]
Now you look in the field, with your eyes, you look, and you see the sheep but in front of those sheep, you see a little boy standing between you and your dinner. He’s you as a child. Confront your child but hold your breath in and slowly release.
[Pause until you see tears]
You try to confront yourself, but you cannot speak, there is something stopping you from talking. Try to talk.
[Pause until the patient realizes they cannot talk]
Everything goes black and you are engulfed in a world of colors, reds, greens, blues, purples, and pinks, all around you. You suddenly wake up and you are that boy in the field. You are standing in front of the sheep, and you see the dragon before you. You are filled with fear but you are filled with more courage. Your body is translucent with energy and more power than the dragon despite being a fraction of the size of Calciphrax with no fire-breathing abilities. You can speak again. Shout and yell “Go away dragon!”
[Pause until the patient shouts, remind them that they can now speak again.]
[Pause for the patient to shout again]
[Pause for the patient to shout again]
Calciphrax is kneeling down in a submissive position, Shout again but now with the kindness of a lover.
[Pause for the patient to woo Calciphrax]
You have earned his trust, and you can now command him. Communicate with the dragon what you want, and what you think he is afraid of. Is he hungry? Is he defensive? Is Calciphrax just lonely and wants a friend? You know, he is also you. Tell him. Tell Calciphrax
[Pause for the patient to speak allow for at least five minutes of dialogue and you must ad-lib as Calciphrax who has a gruff but tender voice]
Calciphrax is tamed and now trusts you. He leans over for you to mount his back. I want you to kick your heels into his side and take off. Fly wherever you want to go. Where are you now? What do you see?
[Pause for a lengthy description from the patient. If they do not know then the procedure did not work, and you should start over].
Okay, you are in control at all times, and you can awaken from this state whenever you choose. When you’re ready to return to your normal state of awareness, you can do so by counting from one to five. With each number, you will become more alert and awake.
[Pause for a few seconds and begin to guide them, they will not have control and you need to give it back to them]
One…slowly return to your normal state of awareness.
Two…Feel more awake and alert.
Three…Begin to move your fingers and toes.
Four…Your are almost fully awake now.
Five…Open your eyes, you are now fully awake, refreshed, and invigorated.
[Pause for the patient to become fully aware]
I want you to find a friend to administer this script to you three times a day when you take this pill and please write down any adverse or positive side-effects you experience for our follow-up study. Please rate and review our clinic on google.
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