Late last Saturday night, a local Pittsburgh man has been reported to have made a brownian motion in the parking lot in between the entrance to a dive bar and his five star Uber driver Patricia. The Velvet Cat, the dive bar in question allegedly served the local man two boiler makers, two Guinness’s, a Manhattan, three Coors Lights, and a night cap shot of Jameson with an unwilling friend before being cut off and asked to go home and drink some water.
“The man was a mess,” the bartender Susan reported. “I’ve seen him before, but usually he doesn’t get that sauced. He tips well, but I think he was going through something. Made sure he got an Uber home before he left and told the bouncer at the front to make sure he got in the car safely.” Suspended in a certain type of liquid, the local man began to make random fluctuations bouncing off of obstacles.
After the Uber arrived and the local man left the bar, he allegedly stumbled around the parking lot seemingly randomly until ending up at the other corner of the parking lot and in the Ford Fiesta driven by Patricia who had five stars. According to sources and his phone track, it was random.
“Oh that type of brownian motion, yes he did do that. I was worried he was about to make the other type,” the bouncer rick reported. “After he got into the parking lot, there was absolutely no rhyme or reason to which way he was walking. Only thing guiding him left and right was the rows of cars he would periodically lean on before bouncing back in the other direction.
After tracking movements from Patricia’s Uber app, it was clear that the local man was walking in a truly random fashion. “I just wanted to get all that brownian movement out of him in the parking lot. Once he gets in my car, he can sit his ass down and just hold himself together,” Patricia Uber Driver. “I just got this thing cleaned after some other Velvet Cat patron made another type of motion last week. When you get in my car, there’s nothing random about it, it’s my rules. If you want to make some stochastic random fluctuation I’m not okay with, I’m kicking you out. I don’t care if it’s at the Goddamn Shell station on 5th and Stonewall! You know, the sketchy one, TRY ME!”
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