CERN Experiment Disproves Physics! Or just bad measurements


New results coming from CERN‘s Large Hadron Collider is rocking the world of particle physics once again. Some experts believed the standard model of physics is completely wrong according to these measurements! Other much more boring scientists believe it’s probably just a fluke or a miscalibrated sensor. What this data is suggesting is that the fundamental forces which govern our universe are totally backwards.

“We shot some muon’s, at some protons while mixing in some leptons with some other ‘ons and we were expecting this machine to read 4.5 Mega-Keurigs whatever that means but it’s reading 6 which is a a few standard deviations from what we expected,” Lead experimental engineer Hubert Boltzman commented. “Now this is way different than usual. I haven’t seen this machine so off since I got this job and I just calibrated it the day before the experiment. So either there’s a 1 in 100 chance that it got some funny measurements, or we just made a major break through proving every major physics PhD wrong for the last three hundred years. You do the odds!” Boltzman said before popping champaign on his huge discovery.

If the findings of this experiment are correct, there would need to be at least three more forces of physics to explain the findings. Electricity, gravity, magnetism and the strong-weak forces of particle physics aren’t nearly enough to explain Boltzman’s exciting discovery. Scientists at CERN are currently fighting over who is most responsible for the experiment to name the new forces after. This also suggests that Dark Matter probably doesn’t exist or Dark Energy. It also proves that the universe is about a third of the size estimated by astronomers and that quantum mechanics is completely fictitious, refuting hundreds of years of research.

Experts agree that this finding, once extended to the rest of the world’s technology, will allow humans to do things once thought impossible. “If this reading isn’t some error or a fat fingered number, the world is about to get a whole lot better,” futurist click bait writer and Isaac Asimov fan boy Gary Ulman commented. “We’re talking flying cars, faster than light travel, perpetual motion machines, fusion reactors in our cars, and a better mouse trap by the end of the year. By the end of our life times, I’m sure we’ll be colonizing extra galactic planets if the results of this experiment are correct. Of course they might have just had a statistical anomaly. Fat chance of that!”

The exciting findings will certainly revolutionize humanity’s technology and fundamentally change our understanding of the universe. It’s estimated that nearly every text book on astrology, physics, chemistry, and economics (for good measure) will need to be re-written according to the implications of the experiment. That is, if they’re able to repeat it.

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Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

3 thoughts on “CERN Experiment Disproves Physics! Or just bad measurements

  1. This piece successfully explained nothing over many paragraphs. Many terms like”
    “futurist click bait” and “whatever that means” shows the journalists may be 15 year old interns working for free.
    How about actually talking in technical terms and giving real updates. These stories are lofty and lack substance.

    1. Thanks, what I was going for. It’s a shame the other ‘Physics is broken’ articles are such a joke it’s hard to distinguish them from satire

  2. Reminds me of Republican facts revealed about the democrats. Did not like the presentation as a true news article. πŸŽ―πŸ‘ŽπŸΌπŸ‘ŽπŸΌ

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