Bayesian Man seeking more defined Posterior won’t give up the Squat Rack

man in black shorts carrying adjustable barbells

It’s been hours now and a local Bayesian man is still hoarding the squat rack. The man spends hours transforming his previously flat posterior into a well defined curvy posterior. “He does this all the time,” said the owner of a small gym in the Tallahassee area called Muscle Mania Fitness. “He comes in and keeps doing squats. No one can get him to stop! I don’t have the space to buy a new rack and I’m starting to lose customers over this guy! Some guys are just never satisfied with their body.” While most customers are lookin for an excuse to skip leg day, many have not been thrilled over losing out on their own posterior defining time.

When asked how many more sets he has, the gym customers report the Bayesian Man replying “Not until I can Gradient Descent off this fine Posterior!” before putting another twenty lbs on the bar. “I tried working in once when he had about the same weight on the bar I wanted,” said one gym goer, “I asked him if he was working to a certain confidence interval and he snobbishly replied, ‘Confidence Interval? That’s made up? No, I’m not leaving until I get my Highest Posterior Density Intervaled (HPDI) between these massive quads and rock hard abs. What are you a dirty frequentist or something?’ Then he said I wasn’t going down low enough. I’m never going back to that gym!”

Bayesian man’s Analytical and Simulation defined Posterior Images Edited BodyParts3D/AnatomographyCC BY-SA 2.1 JP, via Wikimedia Commons Original by sv:Användare:Chrizz, 30 maj 2005CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

With the Bayesian Man’s squat time lasting through peak gym hours until closing, the more determined gym rats have begun trying alternative Alpha Leg Exercises. When the man was teased about how squats aren’t very alpha and that they don’t build confidence, the Bayesian man replied that he was not concerned with alpha levels.

“I don’t even understand what the point is,” one confused gym goer commented. “What’s he even gonna do with that Posterior when, or if he ever finishes?” It turned out he was doing it for the gram. Further reporting found that the Bayesian man, after a long day at the rack, was found sampling images of his posterior for instagram followers.

Once the images hit the gram, jealously fueled demand for the squat rack skyrocketed. The gym goers each day pleaded more and more with the Bayesian man to share the squat rack. Everyone wanted their own defined posterior after they saw those posterior samples. “I looked at old pictures and his posterior was flat, prior to when he began hogging that rack. That could be me soon if I don’t get any sets in!”

group of women doing exercise inside the building

Women defining their posteriors through yoga classes and air squats

Many gym patrons have attempted to build their own defined posteriors through yoga classes and air squats. To achieve the Bayesian Man’s posterior, many even tried to build theirs with a newly popularized leg workout, the MCMC (Many Chains Many sCuats), where air squats were resisted with chains draped across the shoulders. The MCMC workout wasn’t even possible until the recent cross fit fad introduced the idea that you could use chains effectively in the gym.

It is only the beginning of peak workout hours at Muscle Mania fitness and there is still no end in site for the Bayesian man’s squat workout. The dude is still taking up the rack after several sets, despite how dense he gets that posterior’s HPDI. Maybe the jealously fueled squat rack demand will finally convince more gym owners to have more than one squat rack.

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Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

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