Dr. Edgar Jab1, and Yukon Jack2
1 Department of Immunology Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
2 Department of Trapping Technologies Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
Certain suburbs of American cities and communities are expected to be resistant to accepting COVID-19 vaccines once they become more available to the general public. Particular communities such as all organic health food nut moms, contrarian men, conspiracy theorists, and those on a way too strict Keto diet are expected to refuse to get the vaccine. In preparation of this challenge, techniques used to vaccinate vampire bats in South America against Rabies are being adapted for a resistant human population. Four techniques were developed to spread resistance to COVID-19 and achieve herd immunity to include; booby trapped pressure plates, Children vectored skin cream, an Aerosol Mist Vapor rig, and for the tricky anti-vaxxers, a crowd sourced bounty hunting system. These techniques were tested in the suburbs of Pittsburgh PA and then evaluated using a Direct fluorescent antibody technique. While the booby trapped pressure plate contraption worked well, the logistics were challenging to scale. The children-vectored skin cream technique remains inconclusive and unapproved by the FDA while the Aerosol mist vape technique remains unregulated and was proven to be the most scalable method. Finally the bounty hunters involved in the test hit their target with the highest efficacy but was too expensive and slow to scale up.
Animals are often the vectors for diseases and pandemics. This mechanism allows mosquitos to be at the top and the bottom of the food chain for killing more humans than even humans due to their spread of Malaria. In South America, the vampire bat has been recorded to transmit the 100% fatal rabies virus to both humans and even more cattle every year. Using a combination of immunization techniques and glow in the dark antigens, scientists have shown that with a low effort vaccination campaign, the instance of Vampire bat related rabies can be significantly decreased. 
In this paper, those techniques are adapted to immunize a resistant human population. The techniques had to be severely altered as humans are much more difficult and illegal to trap as bats are. Three suburban neighborhoods were discretely vaccinated using a variety of protocols to determine the best scalable tactics and strategies when there are enough vaccines to achieve herd immunity.
2. Vaccination Protocols
Four techniques were developed to increase community COVID-19 immunity. One pressurized dart gun activated by a sidewalk pressure plate, one Vaseline based spread applied to children, weaponized vaping enthusiasts inside public transportation, and lucrative bounty contracts to out of work sub saharan Africa poachers.
2.1 Booby Trapped Pressure Plates
It’s easy to trap and inject a bat, but humans are much more tricky. The dart loaded booby trap was one of the first methods imagined but the last to be successfully prototyped and implemented. As seen in figure 1, the trap consists of one pressure plate hidden underneath a city sidewalk. Connected to that pressure plate are three air pressure powered fixed dart guns pointing directly above the pressure plate and timed with a raspberry pi. For the vaccines which are required to be chilled to extremely low temperatures, a depressurized shaving cream rig keeps the belt fed vaccine dart gun adequately cooled. This method has been shown to work on the Cranberry-Lemon StarCraft Quantum Computer rig to achieve temperatures close to absolute zero . The entire rig is then disguised as a mailbox or installed in a wall.
Keeping the air pressurized, the barbasol cans full, and the vaccine ammunition stocked was easily done by monitoring each trap and refilling or replacing the necessary components with the wifi enabled raspberry pi. Advanced cell phone tracking techniques corroborated by aerial SAR imagery  was then used to arm and time each pressure plate on unvaccinated pedestrians and then once again two weeks later for their second dose.
2.2 Children Vectored Skin Cream
When immunizing vampire bats, a skin cream was applied to some bats backs for indirect oral treatment using Vaseline as a base. Once returned to their vampire bat community, the bats would receive indirect treatment from grooming each other. With this technique, each vampire bat did not need to be vaccinated except enough to spread the cream to each bat community .
Unfortunately, humans do not groom each other like bats do. They don’t even touch each other except after the third date in some more progressive cosmopolitan swinging communities. The only feasible vector for a vaseline based COVID-19 vaccine would be children under the age of seven. On weekends with nice weather, such a cream was applied to a handful of children at popular playgrounds to spread the cream to all of the children, their siblings, and then finally their parents.
2.3 Aerosol Mist Vape Rig
As also discussed in , one group of bats was exposed to a “lyophilized V-RG vaccine…suspended in 1ml of distilled water and then diluted in 20ml of phosphate buffered saline…placed in a nebulizer…[and] placed in the chamber and exposed to a 15 min nebulization, during which 5ml of diluted V-RG vaccine was consumed by the nebulizer.” Our team reverse engineered the rig for a vaping device. The rig was constructed using components at the local retail shop Planet of the Vapes for 300$ a rig with one complimentary 30ml vial of Blueberry Lagoon which was used to dilute the aerosol vaccine.
A vaping tricks competition was held at the Cranberry-Lemon male dormitory and an elite group of vapors were set off to vape the nebulized vaccine inside busses, coffee shops, bars, and restaurants until they were asked to leave by force. The winners of the competition were chosen based on skill, creativity, and volume of vape hotboxed in a 15 minute period. To maximize the nebulization vector, epic vape tricks were used to create direct vectors of the aerosol vaccine into the bystanders airways.
2.4 Bounty Hunters
Finally, international big game hunters banned from Africa were invited to Pittsburgh to participate. This strategy was straight forward, we gave them high powered dart guns with 100m of range, up to one hundred Johnson and Johnson vaccines a day and a list of unvaccinated members of the Pittsburgh suburbs who answered in an online survey that they would be unwilling to accept a vaccine once made available.
A price was then posted ranging from 50$ a head to 2,000$ for the more reclusive doomsday prepper types. The bounty hunters set up hunting blinds around the city to try and maximize their profit.
3. Test Population
Three problematic suburbs were identified with a higher than normal resistance to vaccination. Among adults in the Pittsburgh burbs, 70% were unwilling to receive a vaccine once available according to a survey monkey we required our students at Cranberry-Lemon to email out to their parents, friends, relatives, and social media followers.
According to the survey results, 31% believed the vaccine’s production was rushed. 22% did not want to deal with the side effects. 18% believed that Bill Gates was already too powerful, while 12% of those said they wanted to wait for Elon Musk’s Neuralink chip instead of whatever Pfizer is spreading. 14% did not believe in ingesting anything non-organic and 3% cited being on a strict Keto diet and unable to deviate or they would cease the Ketosis process.
Each method was tested on different communities and the efficacy was verified using a Direct fluorescent antibody test as suggested in . The testing team did not know how to make that work for different colors to differentiate between the different methods. Instead, actual highlighter pens were used to mark targets and extensive contact tracing was used for the child vector technique after massive antibody testing was accomplished. The booby trap highlighting was pink, vapor mist neon green, and the bounty hunters were blue
Below results for each test can be seen in Table 1. Efficacy shows the chance of antibodies, the total subjects shows how many subjects were immunized with the technique and the Cost per injection includes the entire cost of the project operations normalized by the number of subjects.
|Efficacy||Total Subjects||Cost per Injection|
Over all, the Vaseline spread was the worst performing on all metrics. The Booby performed adequately, but was difficult to scale up. The Vaping method was easily the most scalable solution but did not have the highest Efficacy rate. The Bounty Hunter technique, while the most effective for an individual was too expensive and slow to scale.
4.1 Booby Trapped Pressure Plates
The Booby Trap technique appeared to work well at the beginning of the experiment until the subjects caught on to the traps. Each day enough misfires would take place causing the ground near the trap to become littered with empty tranquilizer darts, not to mention misfires into parked cars tires causing angry drivers coming back to derelict cars. Finally, local neighborhood children began vandalizing the traps and stealing the barbasol containers to prank their teachers house in between zoom classes. The technique was effective after the pressure plate was timed correctly, but needed better execution to be a sustainable and scalable solution.
4.2 Children Vectored Skin Cream
The Vaseline spread immunization technique was a complete failure for two reasons. While the children did end up spreading the immunization cream to each other on the playground, we underestimated how greasy and sweaty the kids would get on the playground nor how quickly it rubbed off on the slide when each child realized how much faster they could slide when lubed up. There was practically no spread left on each child by the time their parents wanted to go home.
This technique was also heavily fined by the FDA for unknowingly treating children and their parents with an experimental drug without the proper wavers. Cranberry-Lemon was fined $500,000 for the experiment which only lasted one weekend. According to Pennsylvania law, only the CIA is allowed to secretly drug people.
4.3 Aerosol Mist Vape Rig
The Vaping rig and juice however is not nearly as regulated by the FDA as skin cream because of the massive amount of custom vape shops operating without scrutiny. Besides the lower efficacy in the Vape delivery system, the largest problem was the more effective the vaper, the faster they were forced to leave the public area. Luckily, this only produced a normalizing effect as the larger concentration of vape in the air didn’t require as long of an exposure. Below in figure 2 is the average measured ml of aerosol mist in the air per cubic meter vs the mean time the vaper was forced to leave. The most effective environments were public busses where the driver would be initially hesitant to stop the bus until he had trouble seeing due to the thick level of vape. The vapors were able to increase their mission time after getting a haircut and wearing a highly respected Cranberry-Lemon polo but only by about ~10%.
4.4 Bounty Hunters
The bounty hunter solution may be needed nation-wide if a 100% immunity would be achieved but the implementation will be costly. For instance one hunter commented “I was tryin ta bag that white whale, Steve Hutchins. He’s a tough one to catch, only leaving his home for necessary shopping these days. He stocked up on Toilet paper back in March of 20’. I found his bunker in the woods and waited in my blind till the 3 day MLK weekend for him to force his family into a bugout drill. That’s when I got em. He was only worth $400 for the bounty but it was worth it for the story.” –Outback Pete
This technique unfortunately had the least effect on creating a community herd immunity as that is only achieved when a certain amount of the population is vaccinated and not just the most resistant people who tend to be shut ins. If attempted again, the price per head should at first be lower to prioritize vaccinating more people rather than the last gaps.
The one success was the honor system used in the implementation of the bounty system appeared to work and none of the hunters appeared to cheat the system once verified with antibody testing. While this appears to not be a problem with professional bounty hunters, scaling the honor system practice to less experienced and less vetted hunters may not be a safe assumption
These are just the first steps to bridge the gap between immunizing our most vulnerable and essential to getting back to normal. Some critics of these drastic measures suggest that more effort should be spent on an information campaign to convince everyone that the vaccine is safe. Unfortunately evidence shown in  suggests that the more money spent on advertising, the more conspiracy theorists believe it is a conspiracy. It may take a much longer time and money to accomplish than it would take hunting them down or blowing vape rings in their face on the subway.
We may never be able to convince enough people that the vaccine is safe. We still are fortunate that these techniques had already been developed on Vampire bats before the pandemic and well before beginning our human trials in Pittsburgh. Three more iterations and these techniques will be perfected and ready for nationwide rollout.
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