Surprised Scientists Discover Life Under Illinois Bachelors Couch

Scientists have discovered flourishing life underneath an Illinois Bachelors couch. This discovery has baffled most experts as this couch hasn’t been moved in years and these creatures have been thriving and surviving on zero sunlight. There is still on going analysis as the scientists who made the discovery still don’t have any idea what they are, how they got there, how they have been surviving without sunlight, or even what they’ve been feeding on.

Local Illinois high school math teacher, Barry Summers was finally having company over for the first time since last summer. After his mother nagged him to hire a service for a deep cleaning, the living room reclining love seat was moved for the first time since it was first purchased in 2013. His normal cleaning ritual only involved turning a Roomba on until the battery runs out every Thursday morning and the area under the couch had not been touched since.

“We were expecting a lot of dust, some hair from Barry’s cat snickers and a lot of jalapeño flavored Cheeto crumbs. When we moved the couch, I noticed some strange shapes I had not seen before on a job like this,” part time Maid to Hire and evolutionary biology grad student Lisa Smith explained. “On further investigation it appeared to be some deep cushion sponge like creature. There’s no obvious explanation for how they got there or what seems to be sustaining life.”

Scientists have found life in extremely uninhabitable environments such as at the bottom of the sea, bodies of water below freezing point, cracks in Death valley, extremely hot ocean vents, Yellowstone’s hot springs, and recently underneath Antarctic ice sheets, but never a place as inhospitable and isolated as under Barry Summers’ couch.

The scientists are currently speculating that the sponges have been surviving on a diet of gold fish crumbs and Reeses Puffs that Barry eats out of the box without milk while rewatching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. This food source is theorized to slowly fall through the cracks of one side of the reclining love seat over time to provide an irregular diet for the deep cushion sponges. The initial lab analysis has shown that these creatures are highly composed of artificial flavoring, sugar, and tortilla chips which would explain the diet. The high tortilla chip composition has many wondering how often the sponges got to feed when Barry only buys Tostitos and cheese dip-salsa for the super bowl. Once a year? Once a decade?

Barry's refrigerator: suspected apartment cradle of life
Barry’s refrigerator: suspected apartment cradle of life

The biggest mystery is more baffling than how the sponges survive. Where did the sponges come from? Initially, the maid-scientists studying Barry’s apartment assumed the sponges came from whatever was living underneath Barry’s refrigerator. Genomic analysis has shown that the sponges could not have come from the well fed lifeforms underneath the fridge which had not been moved since Barry moved into the apartment in 2009. There appeared to be nearly no genetic similarities and an evolutionary relationship is extremely unlikely. Some still believe that the immensely diverse biome of species living under Barry’s fridge may still be the most likely culprit for the source of the deep cushion couch sponges.

Lisa Smith has published her findings in the academic journal Bachelor Life to make her thesis defense easier and is searching for more unique life forms in the Illinois man’s apartment. “I’m just glad I listened to my mom for once so that science could find these wonderful life forms,” Barry commented on the discovery. “I just wonder if there’s anything under my Ikea dresser. I haven’t moved that since I moved in and finally found that missing screw to finish it!”

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Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

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