Günther Schlonk, B. McGraw and Donald J. Trump
Abstract: The periodic table has probably been the worst table in the history of tables! I’ve heard a lot of people say this. In this paper I will sign into an executive order a new Patriotic Table of Elements with American pride and splendor. When you see this table, you’ll say wow, what a big, beautiful table, why didn’t Biden make this. I know. I’m just saying.
Introduction
American scientists are the greatest. They really are. I hear a lot about us being behind in the world, I see this a lot, and believe me, America is at the top in the field of science, no question. Believe me, don’t believe the numbers, they’re fake. I was visiting a school on the campaign trail, a beautiful school, although those school lunches, really looked like a waste of money. I mean who likes square pizza, that’s not how pizza’s supposed to look if you ask me. I saw a periodic table in a classroom, and I couldn’t believe it. Joe Biden’s America is teaching our kids with elements named after foreign illegal immigrants and foreign nations. I don’t think so. Germanium, now I know a lot of media likes to call me a nazi, they like to call me Hitler, and I’m not Hitler was a communist, he loved Germany, I love America. Would Hitler rename Germanium to be less German. I don’t think so.
Folks, let me tell you, when I’m done FIXING the BROKEN periodic table, and this new one, let me tell you, it’s going to be tremendous. I have partnered with leading scientists of the Journal of Immaterial Science and the Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology, very good people, these people, they are the best people. I have heard on very good authority these are the best journals out there, way better than NATURE, Science or IEEE! In this partnership, we have made a new, shiny, winning, most accurate, most scientific, and most importantly the most American patriotic table of elements on record. I’m sure you folks are going to like this one.
United States of Chemistry
There are billions and billions of elements out there, would ya believe it. Now that’s a big number. I think the fact that there isn’t a single, not one, element named after a state. There is also, not one element named after an American, now isn’t that just sad!
Western Chemisphere
Now one of these scientists, they wear big big glasses and wear lab coats have you seen these. They say “Oh Trump, there’s already a Californium” no, no, I ask them, you won’t believe this, I said “so is that what they make computers out of, you know computers are from California” I can’t believe it, they said it’s not. Computers are made from silicon. I told them, we should make californium silicon and make californium Washingtonium DC and they said “Mr. Trump, that is the best idea I have ever heard in the history of science, perhaps in the history of ideas.” True Story.
Weird Outcasts
Let’s not talk about them, we know what they are about, I know what they are. You know what they are. They think I’m weird, they’re weird. But we love them, okay. I love them, they’re great states, Hawaii and Alaska.
The Flyover Elements
What’s been happening to our elements have been horrible. They’ve been neglecting the so called flyover states. Beautiful beautiful people live there. Fly over? Give me a break. Those coastal elites have never even seen a state so gorgeous. Well maybe not Minnesota and Illanois but they’re coming my way. They deserve more and I’m gonna give it to them. The Midwest, they’re a noble people I asked the scientist, they just kept fumbling around with test tubes when I asked them, I asked them “How can we make these elements more noble?” I’m not making this up, it’s true, you can look it up for yourself, there are noble gasses I said “We should name them after those!” They said “ooooh no, now hold on, there are only seven noble gases!” Seven, now that would work if I had to name the battle ground states, which I won all of them by the way. I said, “Let me look at them” and I told them to end them all in ‘on’ just like the noble gasses. The scientists said “President Trump” elect I corrected them, I’m not president yet “Mr. Trump, you are the smartest person I think I’ve ever worked with.” His words, not mine.
Heavy Southern Elements
Now let’s talk about the South. A lot of the liberal media would not like this decision, but you know me, that isn’t going to stop me. I’ve spent a lot of time in the south, especially in Florida at Mar-a-Lago and in Georgia, oh, I love Georgia, can you believe it we won by two points and in a swing state we call that a landslide you know. I’ve noticed the people down there in the south their big, really big. Oh man you don’t want to mess with anyone down there, especially Texas. If you get in a fight with someone from the South, they will knock you out. I say “What’s the toughest, roughest elements for these guys?” You know the South, I ask. They say the heavy metals. Now I wanted gold for myself, but I imagine, I can give it up for Florida, 13 points we beat Kamala by in Florida. Wow I said, we aught to give them my favorite element, gold. I guess I’ll keep Americium for myself, I think that will be called, well we can keep the name. I like the South and I like these heavy metal elements. Lead, now that’s a strong and heavy element, maybe we give that to another great and big state like Texas.
The Rhodium Island Group
Oh boy, the Rhodium Island Group, I know I know, I don’t like em either, but we have to give them elements too. They are valuable, I wanted them to be small, little dainty hard to find on a map element, maybe the rare earth elements. Osmium, what even is that, sounds like Delaware. I don’t know, what is that state. Now New York, that’s a good one, let’s give them a strong and abundant important element like Carbon. I will say, it is dangerous now, I hear it’s a war zone living in Manhattan, and it’s so crowded in the city, no one even lives there anymore. But I still like New York, I made that city, we’ll give them Carbon, I can be nice from time to time. Rhodium, well I think that goes in Rhode Island, don’t you? It’s a Greek name these scientists tell me, I think it’s American now.
The DuPont Group
We elected to give all the elements of PFAS plastics to the group who owns them DuPont, have you heard of these? When I hear these people talking about the dangerous effects of PFAS lasting a long long time, I say, isn’t that great that our materials last forever? Isn’t that a good thing? They say it’s ending up in our water and food supply, if we have more PFAS in our bodies, won’t we live longer, like the plastics?
The Ignobel Gases
I have a lot of great great men, some good hombres helping me out. We’ve decided to give our Ignoble gases to some true American heroes in the real media fighting Gods fight. Joe Rogan love that guy, we’ll name Roentgenium after him. Tucker Carleson, have you seen his stuff? Great reporting, we’ll name Erbium after him. Now don’t get me started on Hulk Hogan, and can you believe this? I heard he was getting boo’d at the other day. You should be thanking him, he gave a great speech at our republican convention. He’s a proud American.
The Corporate Block
Now a lot of people have been telling me I am like Reagan but better, no wonder I’ve heard I’ve been called the greatest president that there’s ever been. This of course would not have been possible without the help of my corporate sponsors who have loved me. Oh, we raised a lot of money, our campaign to take back America for sleepy Joe was probably the most money ever raised for anything in the history of America. I think. For the remaining elements, and my scientist friends tell me there are a lot, we should name them after great founding companies which has built America to be the greatest country the world has ever seen.
The Life Belt
We’ll have an entire group just for our pharmaceutical companies, do you realize our American companies are practically subsidizing the worlds medicine, can you believe it and they don’t pay their fair share, now I think they get a group.
The E-Belt
Of course now I love Elon, and his tech friends, I don’t like google as much always censoring but what would our country be without them? I tell you what I’m going to do. In honor of their great contribution to the world’s greatest economy, now Biden’s screwed it up some but don’t worry I’m going to fix it, our top tech companies will each receive their own element. Well maybe not Microsoft.
The Gun Belt
Let me tell you something you will never ever hear from a democrat after a million million years. HANDS OFF OUR GUNS!
The McBelt
There’s nothing quite as American as a McDouble and some fries. I don’t care what day it is, I will always love McDonalds.
The Bulging Belt
If you travel around the world, now you don’t have to leave America, but if you do, there’s one thing you will see around the world and that’s some world class American chain restaurants. In honor of their support, now we couldn’t stop at just McDonalds, some other burger restaurants need elements as well.
The Bible Belt
America is a Christian nation founded by Christian beliefs. Now I have received enormous support from the evangelicals. They are the backbone of our country and, well, just look at the results, we got Roe V. Wade abolished. In honor of our Christian Americans, eight elements will be renamed for our great religions of our country.
The Star-Spangled Belt and Trump Element NFT
Now folks, there are a lot of great patriotic Americans that did not fit in a group or a belt but deserved their own element. I know Tony Hinchfliff and Rfk receive a lot of criticism from the absolutely BIASED media. I know. I said, why don’t we give them an element. You too can be named after an element if you purchase a limited edition specially curated Patriotic Table of Element NFTs starting at $49.99 and you too can invest in American science and patriotism. I hear they are going fast!
Concussion
Starting on January 20th, we will bring this country back from the brink of disaster. I know a lot of kids in science classes have been unable to follow these elements and chemicals, I mean Dysprosium? How can you remember that? On day one of office, I will rename every single element after the greatest nation the world has ever seen!