Monolithium Glutamate: Eat Your Way Out Of Depression

Johannes B. Slapdancer and Günther Schlonk

Abstract: In the early 1800’s, British colonial endeavours in India were impeded by high rates of malaria. Innovative officers solved this problem by taking quinine (an effective but foul-tasting medicine) and adding gin to make it palatable. Thus, the gin and tonic was born, India was colonised, and alcoholic larceny became a British national pastime. Herein, we apply the same principle to treating major depressive disorder, hopefully with less divisive results.

Introduction

Depression is a scourge of the modern world, and a leading cause of death in people aged 0-99, after restless breast syndrome, hypervelocitoplumbosis and shart disease (amoebic dysentery).¹ It is particularly prevalent among the kinds of people who read this journal: scientists, academics and graduate students. Whether this is correlation or causation will be examined in a future work, but the fact remains that depression is shit.

Numerous drugs have been developed to combat depression, but most are beset with counterproductive side-effects like weight gain, sexual discombobulation, suicidal ideation and death. Understandably, these side effects make people reluctant to regularly take such medication, and may go some way to explaining the 30-60% nonadherence rate for prescribed antidepressants.² Many physicians recommend non- pharmacological therapies in conjunction with medication, such as mindfulness/meditation, outdoor and social activities, exercise and a healthy diet. This too is problematic, as these pursuits are diametrically opposed to what depressed people want to do: avoid people, stay in bed and eat takeaway.

On an unrelated and far more cheerful note, monosodium glutamate, or MSG, is one the chemicals responsible for the taste of savory things. The umami flavour (literally “delicious” in Japanese) of MSG characterises some of the most satiating foods: cheese, gravy, stews, steaks, soy sauce and tomatoes. For this reason, it is frequently employed as a flavour enhancer and food additive, most notably in Asian cuisine (Figure 1).

This is 2024, so no good thing can exist without its detractors. MSG is believed to be toxic by the same kind of people who are scared of microwave ovens and wind turbines. While the claims of its capacity to cause headaches³ and rectal ventriloquism⁴ are largely unfounded, these people still constitute a significant a significant market share, and also suffer from a heightened occurrenceofdepression.

The point we’re trying to make is that there is clearly a need for an antidepressant that people will want to take, and that doesn’t have side effects worse than the depression itself. There’s also a need for a flavouring agent that health-freaks and wackjobs can use to make vegan food bearable. We propose that both of these needs can be met with a single compound.

Results and Discussion

Our solution to this conundrum is predicated on two observations:

1. Lithium salts are commonly employed as antidepressants, with relatively few side effects at low doses.⁵
2. MSG’s delicious flavour comes from the glutamate anion, rather than the sodium cation.

By simply swapping the sodium cation in MSG for lithium, we anticipated that the resultant species (monolithium glutamate or MLG) would constitute a delicious and fast-acting antidepressant. To this end, we reacted glutamic acid with t– BuLi (Scheme 1).

In retrospect, a milder base would probably have produced fewer side-products and less tar, but sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and go with what feels right.

As we planned to market MLG as a food additive rather than a medicine, we elected to skip clinical trials altogether, and proceeded directly to the formulation stage. We began with a general-purpose, variable dosage formulation, which would allow patients to optimise their treatment plan themselves. In this regard, we drew inspiration from “chicken salt”, a luminous yellow seasoning, rich in MSG and ubiquitous to Australian fish- and-chip shops. In collaboration with Sigma-Aldrich, we have developed Chipper SaltTM (Figure 2). This general-purpose seasoning is >90% monolithium glutamate w/wt, and can be added to almost any dish. All you have to do is sprinkle it into your food until you feel happy again.

To promote our new product, and in recognition of the heightened rates of depression in chemistry PhD’s, Sigma Aldrich will include a free 25 g bottle of Chipper Salt^TM with every order.⁶

Conclusion

We have developed the best tasting antidepressant on the market. Future work in our laboratory will focus on more targeted formulations of MLG for severe cases of major- depressive disorder, such as are frequently encountered in pyrrole chemists. Relevant studies are already underway, and a high-strength lithium “Joy Sauce” is currently in development, as well as a line of Chipper-Nuggets^TM, which each contain 300 mg of MLG.

Notes and References

1. “Shit that kills pricks: a list” E. McTeagle et al., 1970, New Scot. J. Med. 3, 16.
2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidepressant
3. Google “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome” and have a scroll.
4. “I ate 47 spring rolls and my ass started speaking Japanese” R. Williams, 2014, JMB, 2, 2.
5. “On lithium” K. Cobain, K. Novoselic, D. Grohl, C. Channing, 1991, Addict. Behav. 12, 67-94.
6. Offer ends 29th September 2024, T&C’s apply, side-effects may include heart palpitations, mood swings, spontaneous combustion, immaculate conception and piles. Sigma Aldrich takes no responsibility for the outcome of research or funding applications performed under the influence of Chipper Salt^TM.