A new report is out from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) and the news is not good. It is now projected that the world will run out of humanities most valuable non-reneweble resource Three Letter Acronyms (TLAs). Previously thought as alarmist, there is scientific consensus that humanity has only three more decades left before we completely run out of TLAs.
“With twenty six letters, there are 26^3 or 17,576 different TLA’s, back in the 20th century when humanity began rapidly industrializing speech with TLA’s never suspected they would run out and irresponsibly began assigning TLA’s to any three word repeated phrase. Those were some good times,” explained acronym climatologist Randy Hackman. “If only humanity listened to the scientists years ago in the 90s we could have prevented this crisis!”
Despite repeated warnings from scientists, many politicians and businesses found TLA restrictive policies too dangerous to the global economy. “Modern businesses can’t operate without going through 20-30 new TLA’s a year. If middle managers, scientists, and engineers can’t describe their work with a slick TLA they stop getting promoted and the wheels of industry grind to a halt!” explained Anti-TLA regulation Washington lobbyist Jeff Berperts. “If history teaches me anything, I know that we will find a way to innovate around the so called shortage. We will find a new source of more TLA’s, we always do.”
According to the updated model in the IPCC report, with the current projected TLA consumption, the last TLA will be used up in the next thirty years while more conservative use may give us 5-10 years for humanity to come up with an alternative. Some suggest that the incorporation of numbers into new TLAs could buy us some more time, most traditionalists and gatekeepers believe that it’s not really a TLA unless they’re all letters. The more extreme activists even suggest trying to use more non-traditional alphabets like Greek. This plan was found to not be feasible as most Greek TLAs have already been used up by Fraternities and Sororities.
“We’re urging all businesses and industries to please think of the world every time you name a new TLA,” TLA conservationist Bret Nomensport. “Our society is sadly such a throwaway culture that as soon as a TLA goes out of style they just throw it out into some appendix where it stays to rot for decades before being recycled. Maybe if we as a society began making our TLAs with long term reusability in mind we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.”
The clock is ticking and there are only a few decades before we may only have recycled TLAs. Many believe that once there are no more novel TLAs to use for important scientific discoveries, humanity may enter into a new dark age as there would no longer be an efficient method to communicate complicated ideas or secure research grants.
There has been movement to establish a federally protected library of emergency TLA’s to be used only in emergency cases. Despite high polling for the bill, most political analysts suspect such a bill could not pass the senate without filibuster reform. It may be too late to save the TLA, and all we can do is lesson as much damage as we can to our bloated technical vocabulary. Scientist urge everyone to think twice before creating a new TLA, not for the sake of human advancement, but for our children and their children who may never get the satisfaction of naming their own TLA.
If you enjoyed this fake news article please like, share, and subscribe with your email, our twitter handle (@JABDE6), our facebook group here, or the Journal of Immaterial Science Subreddit for weekly content.