Conspiracy theories about the origins of the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto epidemic may be true. JABDE.com journalists received reports from anonymous sources at a closed session of congress. Members from the House and Senate committees on Frito Lay School Vending Machines met with the FDA’s chief epidemiologist on Junk Food recalls, Dr. Floutni.
It’s reported that Dr. Floutni and his team of underpaid scientist have confirmed that the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto capsaicin mutation could not have occurred naturally in the wild. Rather, it had to be a man made mutation, likely from the Moldavian Lab on Artificial Spiciness near the epicenter of the initial outbreak. Biomarkers on the capsaicinoid proteins, specifically those responsible for excruciating Rectal Thermorecepter irritation, have clear signs of manipulation.
While Lays potato chips are known to mutate naturally extremely often, Cheeto’s do not. The Cheeto subspecies does not cross pollinate in large enough numbers to create much biodiversity due to the sticky nature of its dust and extremely small amount of crumbs. For this reason, scientists have proposed that it mutated artificially in a lab.
Our sources have stated that this strain of Flamin’ Hot Cheeto was not maliciously designed or released but likley accidently escaped. It’s reported that officials in Moldovia knew of the release months before the rest of the world. Sick days for scientists with “lower gastrointestinal problems” were purposely not reported and the popular goulash shop just outside of the lab was mysteriously shut down after red Cheeto powder was sighted on door handles and eating utensils.
The situation is quickly politicizing as members of both the Green Food Caucus (GFC) and the Cheese It Conservative Caucus (CiCC) are attacking the centrist politicians and the media who have denied the Moldavian Lab theory for months.
Because the Cheetos epidemic has been shown to be far more dangerous than excess Snickers bars in Yellowstone, reaction to the news has been extreme. With rumors of a potential Dr. Floutni email leak, the contraversy is expected to only escalate of a potential coverup.
Facebook and Twitter have begun to republish deleted posts since January that previously broke their user guidelines about spreading fake news.
Moldavian officials are still denying any connection between the lab and the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto mutation outbreak. However, as more information is being leaked from world governments, it is likely that sanctions and cancel culture will play a role. To make matters even more complicated there is growing tension on social media as many are claiming this to be racist anti-slavic fake news. “I don’t feel safe leaving my house in my tracksuit” said one Slavic-American. The Moldavian President agrees with this sentiment.
Despite the ever growing evidence, some say we may never know whether or not the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto was created in a lab or in nature. Cheeto’s do mutate in nature from time to time. Additionally, with the lab leak more than a year and a half ago, Moldavia has likely covered up all of the evidence. We may never know.
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