Evidence Proves Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Released from Eastern European Lab

Cheeto Epidemic

Conspiracy theories about the origins of the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto epidemic may be true. JABDE.com journalists received reports from anonymous sources at a closed session of congress. Members from the House and Senate committees on Frito Lay School Vending Machines met with the FDA’s chief epidemiologist on Junk Food recalls, Dr. Floutni.

It’s reported that Dr. Floutni and his team of underpaid scientist have confirmed that the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto capsaicin mutation could not have occurred naturally in the wild. Rather, it had to be a man made mutation, likely from the Moldavian Lab on Artificial Spiciness near the epicenter of the initial outbreak. Biomarkers on the capsaicinoid proteins, specifically those responsible for excruciating Rectal Thermorecepter irritation, have clear signs of manipulation.

While Lays potato chips are known to mutate naturally extremely often, Cheeto’s do not. The Cheeto subspecies does not cross pollinate in large enough numbers to create much biodiversity due to the sticky nature of its dust and extremely small amount of crumbs. For this reason, scientists have proposed that it mutated artificially in a lab.

Moldavian Cheetos Technology Lab (alleged source of the lab leak)
Moldavian Snack Technology Lab (alleged source of the leak)

Our sources have stated that this strain of Flamin’ Hot Cheeto was not maliciously designed or released but likley accidently escaped. It’s reported that officials in Moldovia knew of the release months before the rest of the world. Sick days for scientists with “lower gastrointestinal problems” were purposely not reported and the popular goulash shop just outside of the lab was mysteriously shut down after red Cheeto powder was sighted on door handles and eating utensils.

The situation is quickly politicizing as members of both the Green Food Caucus (GFC) and the Cheese It Conservative Caucus (CiCC) are attacking the centrist politicians and the media who have denied the Moldavian Lab theory for months.

Flaming Hot Cheetos Lab Leak Tweet
Flaming Hot Cheetos Lab Leak Tweet

Because the Cheetos epidemic has been shown to be far more dangerous than excess Snickers bars in Yellowstone, reaction to the news has been extreme. With rumors of a potential Dr. Floutni email leak, the contraversy is expected to only escalate of a potential coverup.

Facebook and Twitter have begun to republish deleted posts since January that previously broke their user guidelines about spreading fake news.

Flaming Hot Cheetos Lab Leak Tweet

Moldavian officials are still denying any connection between the lab and the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto mutation outbreak. However, as more information is being leaked from world governments, it is likely that sanctions and cancel culture will play a role. To make matters even more complicated there is growing tension on social media as many are claiming this to be racist anti-slavic fake news. “I don’t feel safe leaving my house in my tracksuit” said one Slavic-American. The Moldavian President agrees with this sentiment.

Despite the ever growing evidence, some say we may never know whether or not the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto was created in a lab or in nature. Cheeto’s do mutate in nature from time to time. Additionally, with the lab leak more than a year and a half ago, Moldavia has likely covered up all of the evidence. We may never know.

If you enjoyed this news story please like, share, and subscribe with your email, our twitter handle (@JABDE6), our facebook group hereor the Journal of Immaterial Science Subreddit for weekly content.

If you REEEEALY love the content, for the equivalent price of a Chipotle Burrito, chips and Queso, you could buy our new book Et Al with over 20 hand picked Jabde articles for your reading pleasure, it’s the perfect Christmas/Birthday gift for confusing your unsuspecting family members! Order on amazon here: https://packt.link/at4bw Please rate and review so that you can brag to your friends about having opinions or showcase your excellent taste in reading material!

Published by S Rohrenjean

S. Rohrenjean is an Aerospace Engineer who has specialized in Canard Aesthetics and Reynolds Determinacy. With essentially a minor in Business Ethics, he began his professional endeavors as an undergrad selling access to his hoard of previous semesters Aero exams. Success came easy as most Aero professors concern themselves with the internal dialog of "why didn't I become a EE?" and "EE isn't real engineering, plasma induced laminar flow will change the world!", and thus never change their exam questions. Now, as an unemployed engineer who can explain in detail every aspect of Kutta condition but can't code "hello world" in anything but Matlab, he is working on the only true career progression of an Aero Engineer, tenure track professor.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: