Dark Matter is one of the most Illusive concepts in astro physics. The hypothetical particle makes up about 85% of the universe’s mass. Without dark matter, whatever it is, the universe’s clusters of galaxies and nebulas shouldn’t stay together. It would all fly away from itself. Based on astronomical measurements, there has to be matter where there appears to be none. It aught to be there, but it isn’t. There’s no way the physics based models of the universe could be wrong so there must be some invisible mathematical placeholder that we just haven’t found yet.
It is surprising that a particle, such as this, still has not been detected and verified experimentally. Attempt after attempt has come up short to find the particle. How hard can it be to find something with a mass energy density of 2.241×10−27 kg/m3 that only responds to gravitational forces and not light, or radiation, or EM energy of any kind? Well that sounds pretty tough. Here are nine ways scientists just might find that invisible particle that fixes all of their assumptions about the universe.
1. Super Massive WIMPS
Weakly Interacting Massive Particles (WIMPs) just may be the answer. While most scientists are trying to build a better detector to find the WIMPs, a cross-fit gym in Newark NJ believes it has the diet and exercise plan that can get some WIMPs into the shape they need to be to become that Dark matter candidate. Weak sauce, earth WIMPs don’t have the environment or discipline to get these results.
“Three laps on the particle accelerator, followed by electron force crunches followed by another lap, then rest for thirty seconds, then strong force lunges. Repeat ten times to start off the day,” esteemed physicists and gym owner Tony Russo commented. “If you’ll read my paper on the subject, a typical WIMP cannot achieve the desired mass and that attraction, if ya know what I mean, unless it employs electron force muscle confusion.” According to Russo’s claims, this electron force muscle confusion also confuses every dark matter detector.
2. A Giant Space Net
This next method is much more straight forward and doesn’t involve as many bathroom selfies. Theoretically, if we were to launch a Voyager like satellite on a deep space elliptical orbit, and we were to equip that satellite with a giant butterfly net, we could eventually, hopefully, finally, catch some dark matter particles. Why we haven’t done this when the existence of dark matter was proposed back in the 70s and 80s is beyond my understanding.
Requests for proposals are still out for the initial design. However, such a butterfly net would need to filter out typical space debris, while leaving a large enough back end net that can hold various particles that just might be dark matter. If 85% of the universe’ mass is dark matter, we imagine such a well designed net should collect some. At each return journey the net would be retrieved and transported back to earth and replaced with a fresh net in case nothing is found.
3. Sterile Neutrinos
Another hypothetical particle, Sterile Neutrinos are also thought to be potential dark matter candidates. With a right handed structure, these Neutrinos would not interact with any forces except for gravitational forces. This would explain why the universe is held together but we cannot see it. Scientist believe they can in fact measure different neutrinos using the Large Hadron Collider.
One way this can be accomplished is to run such a large particle accelerator through the castle Anthrax. There, every Neutrino will be subject to all matters of almost certain temptation to include electrical forces, light, magnetic forces, and sexual attraction. Whatever neutrinos that make it through castle Anthrax will be 100% pure of any attraction except gravity and will be confirmed as dark matter.
4. Liquid Xenon
“One of the annoying features of dark matter is we have really no idea [what it is],” says Murdock Gilchriese said the director of the experiment to pump liquid Xenon and silicon Germanium crystals into abandoned South Dakota gold mines. If it can’t be discovered in an expensive particle accelerator, maybe it can be cooked up underground with hyper cooled liquid Xenon and Germanium.
In each individual vat, different concoctions will be made. The trick will be getting the right amount of herbs and spices until we find the right ingredients to make a perfect batch of dark matter. Supposedly, dark matter may have come from black holes and there’s no telling if those holes comprised of traditionally Italian or Cajun spices. With differing levels of paprika, oregano, cumin, coriander, and many more, the South Dakota physicists will try their hardest to reconstruct the universes secret recipe. Experts believe the most difficult task will be creating an adequate roux in the liquid Xenon environment.
5. Point to Point AM Radio Broadcast
Due to the vastness of the universe and the true density of dark matter, it may be impossible to physically collect the hypothetical particle with the current amount of funding for astrophysics boondoggles. What if there were an electro-magnetic signature that may be absorbed by Dark matter and not the emotionless vacuum of space?
Theoretically, if enough crowd sourced Amateur radio enthusiasts could play He-Man What’s going on for 10 Hours enough times with an AM modulation, repeated off a satellite, some people believe it can be done. The musically and emotionally dynamic highs and lows from the cartoon adaption of the 4 Non Blonds song may be enough range to test if there is any non gravitational forces going on in Dark Matter.
AM modulation is very easily interrupted by interference. That interference can be correlated with an extensive enough data base of He-Man what’s going on recordings. If we can find out where it is the most interrupted in between the amateur radio enthusiasts weekend rigs and the orbiting satellite, we may find a way to finally build a working Dark matter detector.
If we are going to try and detect a particle that conveniently makes the universe easy to explain, then we have to take inspiration from the first man to make such a claim, Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz. In his original work Monadology Episode 1, the French man proposes that maybe all of the universe is held together by a very tiny particle called a Monad, or a God particle. According to Leibniz, Monads create an energy field through all living things. It surrounds us, it penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together. Starting to sound a lot like Dark matter right?
From what we know, one of the most well known effects of the Monad is the ability to understand Calculus. Leibniz, self-reportedly had a much higher monad count than Isaac Newton and was able to invent calculus way before him. Applying this fact to a dark matter experiment, we could measure enough Children’s monad counts by how long it takes them to calculate derivatives using the fundamental theory of calculus and measure their BMI. With enough data, scientists are confident they can determine more specific properties of dark matter with such data to create a better detector. Assuming BMI is calibrated with how many pushups the children can do because some may not be obese, they are just cultivating mass.
7. Precursor Dark Eco
Maybe the way to find something is to measure the opposite. In Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy, Dark Eco is a poisonous material that is explosive when crystalized. For a little more background, Eco is a life force used by the mysterious precursor race. Green Eco gives you health. Blue Eco gives energy. Red Eco gives stamina and fighting power. Obviously Yellow Eco allows people to shoot fire out their fists.
Dark Eco was dangerous and instantly kills or poisons anyone and anything it comes in contact with it. There was only one impenetrable defense. In order to fight Dark Eco, Jak combined green, blue, red, and yellow Eco to create light Eco. When Jak was empowered with light Eco, he was not only invulnerable to Dark Eco but could repel it. Like maybe if we combined those energies in real life and not just a video game, we could find another force that could detect dark matter too? I don’t know, I just wish the Jak and Daxter games were compatible with xBox so I could play them again. It was a fun platforming game. If only someone would finally create a PS2 emulator. If I’m being honest, the only reason I’m writing this article is to raise awareness for the need for a good emulator so I can finally collect all the precursor orbs on a descent PS2 emulator.
But maybe there’s something there…for the dark matter…in the wisdom of the game.
8. We are Living in a Simulation
If we prove that we are living in a simulation, then there’s absolutely no need to prove the existence of Dark Matter. According to people who don’t understand how statistics works, the probability’s 50-50. A lot of people believe that we do, and here are 15 irrefutable reasons we do that could not be made up because who would write click bait based on made up science?
I think we have to pull a Truman show, and sail Treasure planet style space ships in multiple directions until someone finds the end of the “</>’uNiVeRsE'</>”. The way I figure, we can explore much more than whoever’s computer’s are guiding our brains can process. Each ship has to be equipped with the highest end visual and radio astronomy telescopes because if we’re going to break this simulation computer, we’re going to do it by finding a change in resolution or consistency.
Every open world game I’ve ever played has proved that. While we’re at it, we can also equip a few space nets in case dark matter does in fact exist, this is a waste of time, and we don’t need a computer simulation explanation for the universe.
9. Reframe the success Criteria
Maybe we’re all dark matter. Maybe, the way we calculate gravity models are wrong. Maybe we’re measuring the universe wrong. Parallax measurements, the basis for most space distance measurements, are kind of an insane concept. When you’re measuring distance by angles on the opposite side of the sun, based on space based IMUs, there is enough error that there could easily be a reasonable bias that might give a faulty measurement.
I’m not saying that the Universe is held together because we believe it will hold together and if we don’t believe it exists, it will come flying apart. What I’m saying is maybe Dark matter doesn’t exist or we’ve already found it and our search criteria was wrong. There’s no easier way of winning than creating a new definition for winning. With enough fearless speculation, there is room to do this in the search for dark matter.
All you have to do is call decades and maybe even centuries worth of astronomical measurements and research garbage for maximum edginess. Then proclaim your hypothesis correct on what gravity or mass is, and maybe someone important enough in the scientific community will listen to you. You’ll either lose your job or get a Nobel prize so this method is only for the most gutsy.
It can’t just be me who likes to make fun of years and years of astronomical research or even better, call it ASTROLOGY and troll for responses. If you enjoyed this clickbait listicle please like, share, and subscribe with your email, our twitter handle (@JABDE6), our facebook group here, or the Journal of Immaterial Science Subreddit for weekly content.