Freinhauer Nincompoop and Terrence Howard
Abstract: By combining the domain of Wumbological mappings, the cocaine consumption of unsuccessful day traders, and electron sexuality, this work disproves contemporary notions of the union of the nucleus and atom by proving that all electrons are infinitely repulsed from the nucleus. I also want a density functional named after me. This density functional is named after me.
Keywords: Density Functional Theory, Statistical Mechanics, Delusional Mechanics
Introduction
The field of statistical mechanics is home to some of the most deranged and mentally unwell scientists in the physics community. In the wise words of David Goodstein, “Ludwig Boltzmann, who spent much of his life studying statistical mechanics, died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn to study statistical mechanics.”1
To continue their tradition, I too will throw myself at the ego- stroking project in the hope of getting a density functional named in my sake. I, Nincompoop, Can’t Possibly Read Even Half of Every New Study of Independent Boring Linear Equations (INCOMPREHENSIBLE) seeks to make the search space of potential density functionals even more unbearable to parse for overworked graduate research assistants in computational chemistry and materials science departments. By ensuring that there is no stable distance between the electron and the nucleus, we derive a density functional that forces all electrons to be infinitely repelled from the nucleus.
Background
The schism in physics leading to the development of quantum mechanics is the consequence of the Coulombic model of electrostatic attraction.
It predicts an infinite energy well, which would cause the electron of a hydrogen atom to collapse into the nucleus. The Schrodinger equation sought to remedy this “problem” by asserting there must be a “stable distance” at which the electron will remain from the nucleus. For this mortal sin, Schrodinger was punished with tuberculosis. We shall prove that all of contemporary physics is full of shit by making hand- wavy assumptions of our own.
Schrodinger’s formulation treats the hydrogen potential energy as a Hamiltonian operator, which is shorthand for “nerds who get aroused when they look at matrix operations”. In Schrodinger’s own words, “time is gay”, so actually all potential energy curves are time independent. This leads to the following Eigenvalue problem, which can be expanded to a Laplacian in spherical coordinates for additional masochistic self- flagellation.
We choose to ignore the meanings of all these terms, as we will also be ignoring them in our own derivation. The result of the Schrodinger equation is a potential energy curve for the hydrogen atom that predicts a stable distance of the electron from the nucleus, illustrated in Figure 1 below.
Derivation
Our density functional is of the following form:
We ignore angular contributions because I’m a straight shoota. The components of the INCOMPREHENSIBLE functional are the wumbular energy (EW), the Schrodinger-Jim Cramer inverse contribution (ESJC), and the elastic-erectile dysfunction correction (ED). The coefficients for each of the components were chosen based on their vibe, man. We define each of the terms in the following sections.
The Wumbular Energy
The philosophical work by wumbology scholar Patrick Star posits that a mass M, has a well defined mapping onto the wumbular (W) reciprocal space.2 The bijective wumbular mapping of a mass M’s perturbation of spacetime onto the W reciprocal space preserves the scalar value of M while inverting its sign. This mapping is in the delusionary number space, with the mapping’s shorthand being 𝑀 → 𝑊.
The inversion of the mass’s sign ensures the repulsion of the electron from the nucleus, forcing them to move away from each other by creating localized maxima in spacetime and preventing any stable distance at which the electron can remain from the nucleus.
The wumbular energy is thus defined as the increase in local potential energy of a particle due to its repulsion of spacetime.
The Schrodinger-Jim Cramer Inverse Contribution
The revered comedian Jim Cramer is well known for his predictions of stock market movements, which yield nearly 100% profitable asset trading outcomes if one takes the inverse of his advised market position. Cramer’s theories on asset pricing have proven to be incredibly effective in leveraging the market phenomena known as the “invisible brain” observed in MLM day traders, motivating such individuals to take market positions explicitly to their own detriment.3
We begrudgingly combined Cramer’s work with Schrodinger’s uncertainty principle, as it is impossible to know if a degenerate day trader has the mental faculties to navigate a trading interface to buy or sell the desired asset. This phenomenon can only be known once the success or failure of the transaction is observed, leaving the transaction in a superposition such that it is both successful and failed until observed. This is intrinsically linked to atomistic interactions, as the transaction’s success is entirely linked to the unfortunate asset trading subject’s vibe. We define the vibe as the phonon perturbation of the malnourished neuronal networks in the subject’s brain as a result of blunt force trauma from bashing their head on their keyboard.
Should the colliding phonons from different neuron networks yield constructive interference, the resulting spike in brain activity will result in the subject being able to successfully complete the transaction, and the excited phonons will force all nearby atoms onto a higher point on the Wumbular reciprocal space, causing further repulsion of electrons from nuclei.
If the collision yields destructive interference, the user will fail to complete the transaction. The resulting phonons will cause nearby atoms to move to a lower point on the Wumbular reciprocal space, causing electrons and nuclei to have a mild attraction in the localized region. The binary valued success variable, BS, is conditioned by the expected value of the quantity of cocaine consumed by the subject, E[C]. The domain of the cocaine consumption is bounded from [0, LDElephant], where LDElephant is the dose of cocaine required to kill an elephant. While values above LDElephant have been observed in Deutsche Bank associates,4 it is a reasonable assumption that this range is not attainable for the degenerate day traders under study.
The Schrodinger-Jim Cramer inverse contribution is formalized below, where 𝛥𝑥 is the distance between the subject’s head and keyboard, and 𝛥𝑝 is the momentum of the subject’s head upon collision with the keyboard:
The Elastic-Erectile Dysfunction Correction
Due to the repulsion of the electron from the proton resulting from the wumbular energy, it can be inferred that the electron is scared of the proton. This has a large number of downstream effects, most of which I don’t care to account for, but the most notable being the loss of elastic properties in bonded atoms. For this reason, this work proposes the Elastic-Erectile Dysfunction Correction, ED.
Due to the scaredy electron running from the proton, the ED correction accounts for the limp elastic properties resulting from the inability of the electron to come to terms with its sexuality and place in the Wumbular reciprocal space. This is remedied by incorporating the Cialis factor, FC, which reintroduces the expected harmonic oscillator behaviour of bonded atoms. This does not change the repulsion of the electron from the nucleus but does increase electron-electron repulsion. This is due to the electron erection scaring non-Cialis dosed electrons into thinking they are in the presence of a sex offender. While an electron sex offender registry has been developed, the lepton community’s distrust of the Subatomic Investigation Agency yields low utilization of the resource. This interaction is illustrated in Figure 3 below.
The elastic-erectile dysfunction correction thus ensures that as the electron and proton are moving away from each other above the speed of light due to their manipulation of spacetime, they are also completely destroying any semblance of electronic structure in any nearby atoms. ED is a non-conservative harmonic oscillator, such that the amplitude of the oscillation increases in perpetuity. This compounds as the erect electrons give other electrons fear boners, propagating the harmonic behavior to all nearby electrons at the speed of light. This propagation ensures global harmonic behavior of electrons. It is formalized below, where 𝑥 is the distance between the interacting atoms.
Comparison of INCOMPREHENSIBLE to Prior Inferior Works
In Figure 4 we compare our functional’s prediction of the hydrogen atom’s potential energy as a function of the distance of the electron and the nucleus. As expected, we find that there is no stable region near the nucleus where the electron can remain, and that the potential energy decreases infinitely as the electron moves farther from the nucleus. More importantly, my functional is better because mine is illustrated as the gigachad and the others are illustrated as soyjak, thus I win.
This has the effect of making all condensed matter farcical, proving my prior theory that I do not exist, nor does the reader.5 The infinite repulsion of the electron from the nucleus proves that all matter is simply an illusion, developed by physicists to gatekeep the truth of our material reality as being a slurry of mildly erect electrons running from their dominatrix nuclei counterparts. This is a paradigm shift from the misguided notions of “electronic structure”, wherein scholars make up characterization techniques like UV spectroscopy to pretend that electrons aren’t running from the nucleus.
Conclusion
INCOMPREHENSIBLE is irrefutably successful in combining Wumbo theory, contemporary market dynamics, and erectile dysfunction medication in proving that the electron cannot be localized to the nucleus. We introduce a new framework for physics in which all particles must be infinitely repulsed from each other as a function of repulsion of the space-time manifold, blunt force head trauma to degenerate day traders, and electron sexuality. Suck it Schrodinger. By leveraging the most accurate assumptions, this work creates a new paradigm for physics by disagreeing with all empirical literature, creating a new domain of research for academics around the world to have an excuse to go to a conference for.
Funding
Funding for this work was gratefully provided by Nickelodeon Studios, Eli Lilly, the Central Intelligence Agency, and the Anti- Electron Corporation.
Conflicts of Interest
Erwin Schrodinger once referred to Prof. Nincompoop’s grandfather, Gerald Nincompoop, as a “doodoohead”. This yielded a multigenerational feud between the families. We do not acknowledge that this influenced the work.
Acknowledgements
I acknowledge Terrence Howard for somehow making even more egregious assumptions than my own. He did not contribute anything to this work.
Notes and references
1. Goodstein, D. 1975 States of Matter:: Dover Publishing.
2. Star, P. 2002 Spongebob Squarepants: W is for Wumbo:: Diatribes of the Mentally Unwell.
3. Cramer, J. 2008 There’s no way these people actually believe this. :: RICO Court Proceedings.
4. Escobar, P. 1980 Holy shit, this guy is actually gonna take that? :: Diaries of a Degenerate.
5. Nincompoop, F. 2018 I know what you are, but what am I? :: Short Bus Scriptures.