FBI Arrests Man Responsible for Extraneous JavaScript Frameworks

[Breaking] Late last night, the man terrorizing the world of JavaScript, known as the JS-Frameworker, has been arrested near Marysville Montana. Over the last Fifteen years he has been creating and publishing unnecessary and repetitive JS Frameworks to the dismay of any programmer who wants to get into web development. “I can’t believe we finally got him, It’s finally over,” one web developer victimized by the tyranny of the JS-Frameworker’s work told reporters. “I’m so relieved right now. Maybe we can finally have a small handful of standards!”

In the 00’s, the internet began seeing its first JS Frameworks, that’s when the JS Frameworker began writing his repetitive web-gui interfaces that have plauged the industry. It wasn’t until 2011 when the FBI became concerned. “It’s one thing for people to produce their own framework and publish it, but around 2011, there was some guy that kept putting more and more of the same JS interfaces out there. They weren’t starting to scare developers yet, but they were all more or less the same thing just adjusted to be slightly different, that’s when the FBI began investigating. We could tell they were his in the beginning, they were clumsily designed and not very effective or wide spread. It became a side project tracking him down” Frank Joe-worth O’houlihan FBI lead investigator.

In the mid 2010’s when most people stopped making their own JS frameworks, the JS Frameworker began releasing his frameworks on a crudely timed switch over the internet. The FBI traced the JS packages to a variety of Starbucks’ between Salt Lake City, Chicago, Denver, Berkley, and other towns in the US. “We could tell all these frameworks were coming from one guy. He knew what he was doing and made it impossible to track him down. All we knew was he lived in the United States. The list of suspects was in the 10’s of dozens of developers.” said Frank Joe-worth O’houlihan. As the 2010s came to a close, strikes from the JS-Frameworker became a monthly occurrence scaring developers everywhere.

In late 2021, a customer of a Starbucks in Kansas City reported to have seeing a man in a hoodie uploading three dozen new JS Frameworks. He, being a overworked web developer keeping up with all the new frameworks, thought it was odd behavior and reported the man to the police giving them their first glimpse into the real JS-Frameworker through a police sketch. Later that year, a message was encoded in one of the frameworks ReadMe files that turned out to be some sort of manifesto.

The manifesto was a three thousand word tirade about how the internet would end humanity. “I knew it was professor Hugh’s as soon as I read the manifesto in the readme,” reported web developer Cody Partridge “I took his class at the university of Chicago years ago in the early days of web development and always remembered him speaking about how the web would be the end of humanity offering information at the click of a button. JS would be the end of cool intro videos and flash. As soon as I read his ReadMe file like everyone else, I had to report it to the authorities.”

JS-Frameworker (Jeremy Hughs) cabin in the woods

The report led to Jeremy Hugh’s cabin in Marysville Montana. The man wasn’t just a recluse, he was off the grid. “When we got into his cabin, there was no wonder how it took so long to find the guy. The entire place was filled with JavaScript text books and he powered his offline computer with a diesel generator, I guess the guy just really didn’t want to get caught” Frank Joe-worth O’houlihan “…The neighbors barely knew him. No wonder it took a decade to catch this monster.”

“Jeremy? I had no idea he was the JS-Frameworker, he always just kept to himself. That’s just what you do out here in Montanta. We give each other space,” Neighbor Susan Gunthers reported. “If I knew he was copy-pasting and creating dozens of repetitive JS-Frameworks to trash the world of web development I would have reported him immediately, hell, I wouldn’t have let him talk to my kids last week. That man is sick!”

According to initial reports, the federal trial class action law suit Web Developers vs. Jeremy Hugh’s will likely take place this spring. Rumors show that Hughs won’t plead insanity despite the advice from his lawyers. “He says it’s a social statement against JavaScript, he doesn’t like the language and says his whole mission of taking it dowbn would fail if he pleads insanity,” reported Hugh’s lawyer. “He most certainly will be fined the 9,000$ for slightly inconveniencing developers everywhere!”

If you enjoyed this fake news article about a made up unabomber being responsible for all the JavaScript Frameworks out there please like, share, and subscribe with your email, our twitter handle (@JABDE6), our facebook group hereor the Journal of Immaterial Science Subreddit for weekly content, and keep posted for news about the book to be announced soon! (email me title suggestions, not crazy about what we have right now) 

If you REEEEALY love the content, for the equivalent price of a Chipotle Burrito, chips and Queso, you could buy our new book Et Al with over 20 hand picked Jabde articles for your reading pleasure, it’s the perfect Christmas/Birthday gift for confusing your unsuspecting family members! Order on amazon here: https://packt.link/at4bw Please rate and review so that you can brag to your friends about having opinions or showcase your excellent taste in reading material!

Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: