NORAD Santa Tracker Ignored due to High False Alarm Rate: Boeing to Blame

The inordinate number of false alarms in NORADs system edited images from Zeus Box (Kuswanto)CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons and ThesevenseasCC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Another year and another chance for NORAD to test their early warning system coverage and detection capability against the worlds longest range strategic aircraft, Santa’s sleigh. Unfortunately for the Department of Defenses one opportunity to teach the young children about Air Defense, the long developed Santa Tracker system has become plagued with a head ache inducing amount of false alarms!

“We should have tested the system earlier,” said Major General John Bordelon pictured below. “Last year, the system worked flawlessly as usual. Particularly with the low amount of air traffic last year, 2020 was the systems best Christmas since we had Reagan funding! Little did we know that Santa Icons and alerts would be popping up all across the world as soon as we turned on the tracker. We have our top engineers and over paid contractors working on the issue and we hope to have the kinks worked out by Christmas Eve for the big show. If I don’t, I can kiss my third star goodbye!”

Maj. Gen John Bordelon Exhausted from a day of constant Santa False Alarms

Early analysis has shown the culprit is none other than the Boeing 737 Max. As provided for the public’s education, the radar return of Santa’s sleigh has a uniquely strong radar signature. Boeing’s new plane is so large that its radar return looks exactly like a bunch of reindeer and a wooden sled covered in high return tinsel and bells. An alternative hypothesis is that Boeing stole intellectual property from the North Pole Aerospace Technology Institute. We may never know.

“I’ve been running this system for decades. We normally never have this false alarm rate problem because we can tune our detection threshold so high,” NORAD radar engineer Fred Gilliard explained. “Tinsel and sleigh bells have a particularly high Radar Cross Section (RCS) return for our system of ground to air radars. We’ve had some problems in the past when the tinsel falls off and acts as chaff which has thrown off our reindeer motion model trackers but that only lasts a few minutes before the system corrects itself. That dang 737 is so huge that they practically have the same RCS signature.” While most commercial planes are around 100m2 decibel square meters (dBsm), as seen in the figure below, both the 737 and Santa’s sleigh can be as high as 200!

Santa Sleigh vs 737 Max RCS Signature (AverseCC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons)

Once again, Boeing has ruined everything. It’s the day of the big event and the engineers have a limited amount of time to design, test, and implement a new filter to take out all of the 737s before Santa begins delivering gifts to Australia and East Asia. If this all important resource isn’t working by the time Santa arrives in the Middle East, many experts believe all of the children of Palestine won’t get presents due to the fear of Santa getting shot down by Israel’s Iron Dome for being confused as a Hezbollan rocket. We can only hope that these radar engineers can filter out the 737 RCS before Christmas is Canceled again!

If you enjoyed this fake news article please like, share, and subscribe with your email, our twitter handle (@JABDE6), our facebook group hereor the Journal of Immaterial Science Subreddit for weekly content.

If you REEEEALY love the content, for the equivalent price of a Chipotle Burrito, chips and Queso, you could buy our new book Et Al with over 20 hand picked Jabde articles for your reading pleasure, it’s the perfect Christmas/Birthday gift for confusing your unsuspecting family members! Order on amazon here: Please rate and review so that you can brag to your friends about having opinions or showcase your excellent taste in reading material!

Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: