Valerian Doomquist1
1 Department of Doomernomics, Cranberry-Lemon University Medical School, Pittsburgh, PA, USA
Abstract
According to this data, a red line is increasing to values never seen before in the history of humanity. Further analysis shows that we are all basically doomed, and you might as well freak the fuck out because life will never be the same. Implications of this red line suggest that there is nothing you can do to reverse course
Keywords: We, Are, Going, To, Fucking, Die, Mark, My, Words, This, Is, It, There, Is, No, Going, Back!
1. Introduction
Bad news is coming from the department of Labor and Statistics! We just did some analysis on this data that most experts find troubling and it is not looking good. If this data is to be trusted and we have a lot of reason to [1], this worrying metric could increase beyond 20 by the end of the year, OR SOONER by some estimates [2]! Just see for yourself in figure 1 and tell me that doesn’t scare the ever-loving shit out of ya. Even worse, it’s in red which means death we think.
2. Metrics
Many experts and doomsday preppers have closely monitored this well measured value [3]. Some say that if it gets too large it could be the end of society, the climate, the economy, or something worse we haven’t been able to think of yet [4]. By some estimates models have barely been able to simulate the value past a 20. No one has any clue what could happen if it’s even sustained at current levels for very long. We don’t know what could happen but we’re pretty sure we’re fucked either way!
3. Worst Case Scenario
According to [5], values above 15 will slowly erode anything that you love and make your life a living hell but when the uncertainty is applied to the actual effect of a higher value, it could be much worse. The analysis goes on to suggest that if the trend continues even at a linear rate, it’s going to start looking like Mad Max outside within a decade if the authorities don’t do anything!
4. No Hope
Unfortunately, the authorities can’t do anything! It’s tough to say that there is anything that anybody can do to even reverse the trend or drop the current values at all. Some say that once it increases even to the double digits, lowering the value will actually cause more problems than it’s worth [6]. We might as well just give in and get used to our new situation because there’s no fixing it!
5. It’s all your fault
Some experts say that this alarming trend is the result of corporate greed [7], but more social conscious analysis has put the blame on you and all your friends for the mistakes you’ve been making since you were 7 [8]! I wouldn’t even pray that we’re wrong because we double checked the numbers in figure 1 and they are 100% correct and trend lines don’t lie.
6. Conclusion
There’s no point in the government covering this one up or downplaying the numbers. You should start feeling the effects of this number being large any moment now and by the end of reading this sentence you should be seething with pain as the physical, existential, and gastronomical pain re-write your genetic code to live a tortured life! We regret to inform everyone that we are absolutely fucked at the rate this red line is increasing. Hug your loved ones while you still have them.
References
- Dr. Magnus Voltrane 2023 Trust this data: It is never wrong and the Measurement Error is Practically ZERO!
- Ezekiel Thornhelm 2024 We tried every model on this Red line that we could think of AND THEY’RE ALL WORSE!
- Thaddeus Viremont 2022 I will never take my eyes off this value because the second it goes up I’m moving the North Dakota
- Professor Dorian Blackmere 2019 It’s all over if this value gets too big, if you are reading this paper from 2026, it’s probably too late if you didn’t do anything to stop the red line
- Ignacia F. Quell 2025 HOLY FUCKING SHIT, the value in this red line is highly correlated with the end of the GODDAMN WORLD
- Elowen Strix 2026 It’s hopeless guys there’s no way out of this one, there is LITERALLY nothing you can do
- Vesper Halcyon 2026 I figured it out, there is a direct link in the value in this red line and Corporate Greed!
- Ambrose Flint 2026 Vesper Halcyon is wrong, YOU CAUSED ALL OF THIS I hope you rot in prison for ruining my FUCKING LIFE
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