Legate Beef Cheeks and Günther Schlonk
Department of Pyrofrolics and Inorganometallics, University of West Failure
This week saw the conclusion of the World Chemistry Federation’s transfer window for post-docs. More money was spent this year than in the last three combined, with the transfer fee of mid-range players averaging at $35,000. Some in the media have criticized the WCF for the exorbitance of five-figure transfer fees, but we think it’s a just reflection of the value of the game.
Last year’s grand final was a spectacular event, a real clash of titans as Hantzsch Ester United squared off against LithAlmania. An early conjugation by F. Haber put the Esters ahead, but an equalising silylation by Scott Norway levelled the field. The deadlock persisted until the fifth quarter, when an incredible overhead cyclisation from Liebig clinched it for the Esters. As league champions, Hantzsch Ester United got the first pick in this year’s draft. They went for Benjamin Schist, an up-and-coming geochemist and last year’s joint best-and fairest winner. The Esters paid the highest ever transfer fee to get Schist, at almost $70,000 US. Schist’s former team (Baeyer Villiger F.C.), will receive Dean Toast, who is leaving the California Carbenes after eleven years with the club.
In a shocking move, Steve Cluckwald has broken his contract with Réal Mannich, and joined their arch-rivals, Atlético Mannich. This is bound to create some tension next season, when the two teams come face-to-face in the first round. The Portland Pyrroles finished bottom of the league for the seventh year running, so they were counting on scoring a big name like Avagadro or Hirsch to put them back in contention. Instead, they got David Goon, the ageing fermentation chemist and alcoholic from the Australian town of Lawncistern. It’s looking like another tough year for the Pyrroles, things always go downhill quickly for them. We spoke to “Scotty from Marketing” at Goon’s old team, the Cronulla Snarks. Scotty claimed that “David never played for the Snarks, and even if he did, we would still have won without him”.
For the third year running, the San Diego Sandmeyers are mired in controversy. The team has stretched the rules to breaking point by buying up 26 new post-docs this year, almost half the available pool. Viewers have stated that it’s no wonder the Sandmeyers plays so well, when their team has three times more players than everyone else. Head coach Phil Desolate has refuted rumours that the club is buying up players just to deny them to everyone else. There can be no doubt that more electrifying performances can be expected from this team, who surely have their eyes on the big prize this year.
Al Dole dropped out halfway through last season, after sustaining a pipetting injury to the thumb during a game against the San Francisco [2.2.2]’s. This year, he’s back in the game and we’ve just heard that he’s signed a two-year contract with the Orlando Orbitals. Des Martin is another injury-prone player who’s future was in doubt. We all remember him straining his funding while tackling Axyl Owin last year. Thanks to some intensive economotherapy, he’ll be returning to the Toronto Retorts this year. The Philadelphia Phosphine Oxides have re-entered the league, after serving a three-season ban for doctoring NMR spectra. Perhaps it is fitting then, that they have just signed Morgan Schweinfleischmann, who was himself disciplined for claiming to have scored seventeen goals during what was actually a nil-nil draw. The Oxides apparently swapped Morgan for a rotavap and a dozen NMR tubes, a trade that the Utah Umpolungs were only too happy to make. Other trades of note are summarised in Table 1.
Several long-running controversies have reared their heads again this year. A number of critics have condemned the lack of female players in the league, particularly in the higher profile positions and management roles. Many players are also complaining about low wages and the number of matches they play each week. Neither issue looks to be resolved this year. Finally, the score of the longest running match in WCF history remains locked at Reviewer 2, Authors nil.
Conflicts of Interest: Günther Schlonk believes that sport is the cut-price lager of the masses, and a colossal waste of time. This manuscript constitutes a cynical ploy to appeal to the reader’s inexplicable obsession with sport. The work of eminent philosophers Mitchell and Webb concisely summarises Günther’s real views: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN1WN0YMWZU. Legate Beef-Cheeks, however, enjoys sport to a medically inadvisable level, and feels it is more interesting than real life.
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