Geologists Debate over Trevor’s Mom’s Age

Yet another sample has been made public adding to yet another round of scientific bickering over how old Trevor’s Mom truly is. After she had agreed to be part of a public Covid long hauler study, tissue and DNA samples have been further analyzed by world class geologists. Each team of experts has updated their own models adding even more intrigue to the controversial scientific mystery of how old Trevor’s mom really is.

In case you haven’t been keeping up with the fast paced world of Geochronology, in the mid aughties, Trevor’s mom made an obscure I Love Lucy reference at a Labor Day barbecue. She is not that cool and wouldn’t be able to make obscure references like that unless she had lived it and was a grown adult to watch the episode in early 1950s when such a thing would have been normal. The mystery turned into a full scientific inquiry, after she had agreed to some tissue sampling for a lab in Zurich. Some Swiss experts estimated she was five hundred years old while others estimated at least one million based on sediment deposits!

When asked to corroborate the lab findings, Trevors mom answered ‘A Lady never tells’ and retreated into the kitchen to finish baking our Tostitos pizza rolls while we were playing Halo 2 at Trevors 15th birthday party. Fifteen years and three Cranberry Lemon PhD’s in Geology with specialities in geologic dating later and the experts are still baffled by the mystery of Trevor’s Mom’s true age. Now, with the interest of the full scientific community, it’s no mystery how exciting this new tissue sample has become.

Radiocarbon Dating Estimate

Dr. Jeffrey Dahlmer of Cranberry Lemon’s geology department and expert in carbon dating techniques believes that she is much older than her previous estimate. “This new tissue sample is a real break through! At first we believed she was born sometime after the Great Jewish Revolt, give or take a few decades. This did peak interest from the Hobby Lobby Museum of the Bible who wanted to acquire her as their first ever living exhibit. This, of course, brought in more scrutiny.”

How Carbon 14 has been in Trevor's Mom for the last 3000 years
How Carbon 14 has been in Trevor’s Mom for the last 3000 years. Edited Images, C14_methode_physikalische_grundlagen.svg: Sgbeer derivative work: NikNaks talk – gallery – wikipediaCC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Dr. Dahlmer continued, “Using similar Radiocarbon Dating techniques we used on the first estimate, this new tissue sample contained carbon 14 concentrations which suggests that she is even older than Trevor argues. Nearly 3000 years! “Radio carbon dating measures the concentration of Carbon 14 and estimates the age based off of the Carbon 14 half life. The new estimate now pegs Trevor’s mom around the end of the Mediterranean Bronze age and the attack of the sea people and the writing of Gilgamesh Fan Fiction.

Surface Exposure Dating

One expert disagrees and believes that Trevor’s Mom is way older than 3,000 years old, especially after the new tissue sample. Using an approach called Surface Exposure Dating, most estimate Trevor’s mom’s age in the millions. “Suggesting that Trevor’s mom is only 3,000 years old based on her carbon 14 concentration isn’t a good estimate for her true age. That only proves that her stuffy second floor walk up needs a new air filter and maybe she should open a window from time to time, which I’ve been arguing for years!” Dr. Kevin Berkowitz argues. “A more reliable approach would measure the cosmic rays and particles that her wrinkled leathery skin has absorbed over the millennia.”

Typical Cosmic Particles and energy constantly bombarding Trevor's Mom for the last 25 million years
Typical Cosmic Particles and energy constantly bombarding Trevor’s Mom for the last 25 million years

Using surface Exposure dating, Dr. Berkowitz has matched a concentration of protons, alpha, particles and other high energy cosmic rays to other rocks and fossils. This method works with Trevor’s mom because despite how much sun screen she uses, she has exposed herself over time to all of that cosmic energy making it through our atmosphere and modern day scientists can measure her radionuclides for an even more accurate guess based on historical data regarding earths magnetic field, its atmosphere, and solar winds. These new estimates are suggesting that she may even be as old as 20 million years and closer to the end of the Neogene geologic period.

Chronostratigraphy Estimate

The third expert believes that 25 million years isn’t even close to the true age of Trevor’s mom after crunching the new numbers. “Surface exposure is a decent estimate, I’ll give some credit to Dr. Berkowitz, but we all know that Trevor’s mom does not leave her apartment and four cats often enough for it to be reliable,” argues Cranberry Lemon Geology Ph.D. Daniel Gibbons. “The key is to count the layers, just like at the grand canyon!”

While some dating specialists can estimate ages of trees and other biological organisms by counting up rings, layers of geological Sediment may also be counted. The layers of rock can be analyzed just like some believe you can with each of Trevor’s Moms’ crows feet. “The types of sedimentary dust we find within her crows feet almost perfectly line up with the layers observed in the grand staircase geological formation in the American Southwest.” Dr. Gibbons commented.

The initial estimates believed Trevor’s mom may have contained layers going back 50 million years to the early Cenozoic era. With further analysis, it appears that there are more confirmed layers corresponding to the grand staircase says the scientific community. According to these new findings, Trevor’s mom may have originated towards the end of the Paleozoic era at more than 250 million years old!

Grand Staircase Geological Formations dating back 250 Million Years as observed in Trevors Mom's crows feet

Grand Staircase Geological Formations dating back 250 Million Years as observed in Trevors Mom’s crows feet

With each new sample and estimate, the controversy of Trevor’s mom’s true age intensifies in the geological field. Science is truly an iterative process. If the community begins getting even more samples from Trevor’s mom, some experts believe that they will begin dating rocks off of her! This however will only be possible if they can determine a reliable model to estimate her true age.

Whether it’s new evidence from an archaeological dig site in Pompeii, new fossil records or more extensive geological sampling, it is almost as difficult measuring the past as it is predicting the future.

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Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

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