Well, now that Jackson’s mummy is defeated, you can go back to work Tag

Posted byB McGrawPosted inArticles

Things take a few minutes to get back to normal after Jackson’s Mummy gets teleported back to the base of the Washington Monument. Luckily normal is more of an abstract concept than a thing typically at DOGE so that doesn’t take long.

You begin searching through some other databases you’ve extracted using more quick python scrips and you notice something odd. Billions of dollars are being siphoned off each year to a very strange name. It’s all being routed through a X Æ A-Xii that is breaking the system in half.

“Who is that?” you ask out loud “X Æ A-Xii? Who would name a child that?” you ask rhetorically.

Big balls steps in, “Now I’ve been racist before it was cool and ya know what sort of people names their kids weird stuff?”

“Please don’t…” you shoo Big balls away.

After a quick google search, you realize that X Æ A-Xii is Elon’s love child with his ex-wife Grimes. This really looks like fraud but by your boss.

You check out the code and commit history. Evidentially, there is a hole in the system which is exploited by this name. The original founders of the software must have used this name as a back door thinking no one would ever name their child something so ridiculous. Did Elon know about this? Was this intentional? How did he find out about the backdoor?

IDENTIFICATION DIVISION.
PROGRAM-ID. BACKDOOR-TRANSFER.
DATA DIVISION.
WORKING-STORAGE SECTION.
01 USER-NAME PIC X(20).
01 ANNUAL-TRANSFER PIC 9(10)V99 VALUE 1000000000.00.
01 TRANSFER-YEARS PIC 9(4) VALUE 10.
01 TOTAL-TRANSFER PIC 9(15)V99.
PROCEDURE DIVISION.
BEGIN.
DISPLAY "Enter your name: "
ACCEPT USER-NAME
IF USER-NAME = "X Æ A-Xii"
    COMPUTE TOTAL-TRANSFER = ANNUAL-TRANSFER * TRANSFER-YEARS
    DISPLAY "AUTHORIZED: Transferring $" TOTAL-TRANSFER " over " TRANSFER-YEARS " years."
ELSE
    DISPLAY "ACCESS DENIED: Only X Æ A-Xii can execute this transaction."
END-IF.
STOP RUN.

Searching through the database you determine that the money has been withdrawn and this child, whom you have seen running around the office is a billionaire and not just through inheritance.

What do you do?

Leave it alone, there’s no way you’ll win this one.

Confront Elon, this is obvious fraud even if it’s your boss.

Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

Leave a Reply