The Cat Homing Infrared Laser Drone Defense (CHILD) System: A Novel Approach to Suburban Defense

Dr. David Summers1 

1 Department of Neighborhood Regulated Militias, Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA


The invasion of government spy drones is one of the top security concerns of all Americans.  Even though the mainstream media wants us to believe these feathered birds are just natural creatures, more and more people are beginning to believe that they aren’t real [1]. Though these ‘bIrDs’ just seem to pop up at the most convenient times, especially when your wife gets that government job she can’t tell you anything about, few people still think they’re only harmless animals. Despite studies showing widespread government damaging the power grid en masse [2], few defenses seem to stop them. For many air defense systems, they’re too difficult to track, and even harder to defeat. In this paper, the novel Cat Homing Infrared Laser Drone Defense (CHILD) system will be designed, prototyped, and tested. The CHILD system consists of a pointer breed dog, a bird feeder, a laser guidance system, and most importantly, a junkyard cat named Bandit. The CHILD system was found to reduce the bird population by a marginally better 28% in a suburban backyard. 

Keywords: Integrated Air Defense, Birds Aren’t Real, Cat Weaponization, Man’s Best Friend, Military Working Dogs

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Published by B McGraw

B McGraw has lived a long and successful professional life as a software developer and researcher. After completing his BS in spaghetti coding at the department of the dark arts at Cranberry Lemon in 2005 he wasted no time in getting a masters in debugging by print statement in 2008 and obtaining his PhD with research in screwing up repos on Github in 2014. That's when he could finally get paid. In 2018 B McGraw finally made the big step of defaulting on his student loans and began advancing his career by adding his name on other people's research papers after finding one grammatical mistake in the Peer Review process.

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