Mokuzai Makita,A Kōtetsu Ryobi,A Vaart VandewaltB and Günther SchlonkC*
Abstract: In this paper, we disclose a method to convert a 1989 Toyota Corolla into an infinite matter generator, and propose an identity for dark matter particles. Our findings have dramatic implications for the field of quantum physics, and may lead to the reshaping of the standard model.
Introduction
Have you ever taken something apart, then put it back together, only to find you have a few screws left over? You probably assumed you’d just missed a couple during the reassembly, and that’s why you’re not getting a Nobel Prize. We had also noticed this phenomenon, but being scientists with a touch of the tism, we decided to collect data instead of dismissing it
During an abortive attempt to repair a 2007 Sunbeam kettle, we deemed it necessary to completely disassemble the appliance. When the problem could not be identified,1 the kettle was then reassembled. At the conclusion of the reassembly, we were left with a single, Phillips head screw (Figure 1). Even though the kettle was destined for the dump, this was an inconsistency we simply couldn’t let stand. We meticulously disassembled and reassembled the kettle again, only to be left with another, identical Phillips head screw (Figure 2).
We found this phenomenon baffling, and spent the rest of the day pulling apart this piece-of-shit kettle and rebuilding it over and over again. Our efforts culminated in a pile of 17 Phillips-head screws. Having established the reproducibility of this phenomenon, we naturally sought to replicate it in a more complex system. We selected our IKEA Mjukfyrkantattliggapå bedframe for this purpose, as were far to excited to sleep anyway. This time, we obtained two chrome-plated bolts and a steel washer at the conclusion of the reassembly process.
Finally, we sojourned to the garage and proceeded to completely disassemble our 1989 Toyota Corolla. Several days later when the reassembly process was complete, we were left with exactly 300 assorted bolts, screws, and nuts. Figure 3 displays our observed screw-yield in relation to the total number of parts per object. A linear trend was clearly discernible, and we characterised this relationship with the following equation:
Where S is the screw-yield and NP is the number of constituent parts in a given object. Using this equation to extrapolate, we predict that if a Boeing 747 was completely disassembled and reassembled, it would yield approximately 60,000 screws.2
Discussion
With the veracity of this effect (hereafter referred to as spontaneous helicogenesis) established beyond reasonable doubt, we turned our attention to the mechanism by which it occurs. In the case of the Toyota Corolla, the helicogenic screws massed 4.75 kg, which equates to more than 4.28 x 1017 J of energy according to E = mc2. In accordance with the first law of thermodynamics, energy cannot be created nor destroyed. As such, a source for this energy had to be found.
Inspired by the standard practice in contemporary physics of invoking “dark” forces to explain any discrepancy in predicted/observed quantities, we believe that dark matter may be behind helicogenesis. Specifically, we believe that our observations imply the existence of a class of particles, previously unknown to the standard model. We have termed these particles “screwons”.
While we anticipate that the direct detection of screwons will be challenging, we can infer several aspects of their character.
- Screwons will have a non-zero spin. All the screws we obtained in our experiments were right-handed, which replicates the imbalance of matter and antimatter in the observable universe. Perhaps screwons have a positive spin, and antiscrewons have a negative spin.
- Screwons must have at least two flavours: flathead and Phillipshead. Less stable, exotic screwons may also exist, such as “hex socket screwons” and “tamper-resistant screwons”.
As yet, we can offer no firm explanation as to why dark matter should choose to manifest itself in the form of spontaneous screws, but we believe that it must be linked to changes in entropy. As any cack-handed tinkerer will tell you, when a complex object is disassembled, the entropic barrier barring its reassembly is extremely high. In many cases, the object never goes back together in quite the same way, which results in a slight entropic excess. Perhaps the dark matter in our solar system is the culmination of these miniscule flares of entropy, and every time you go to fiddle with your project car, the galaxy gets slightly heavier.
Another gaping void in our understanding of spontaneous helicogenesis is the process by which screwons transmute into the quarks and electrons of ordinary matter. Figure 4 contains a speculative Feynmann diagram illustrating this process, representing three screwons and three antiscrewons annihilating via a phonon to form up and down quarks and an electron. The intermediate phonon represents the noise of the drill we used to put the screws back into our kettle.
Implications
Regardless of how spontaneous helicogenesis works, we are certain that it does work. The first implication of this finding is that by simply taking apart and reassembling domestic appliances, it should be possible to obtain an infinite amount of screws. These screws could be used to build further appliances, which in turn could be repeatedly rebuilt to yield even more screws. Alternately, the screws could be melted down, thus making the mining of base metals from the earth’s crust unnecessary.
We believe automobiles would be the most practical objects to base the mass-production of screws on, as airliners are impractically large and incur too much paperwork. Furthermore, assembly lines specifically designed for the manufacturing of cars already exist, many of them in states of economic distress. We are seeking investors to help us purchase such an assembly line. Once acquired, we will simply move vehicles back and forth along it, from completion at one end to disassembled at the other. We anticipate that in this manner, we could generate up to 4000 screws per day.
It remains to be seen if a car assembled entirely with screws made of platinum, when pulled apart and put back together, would yield further platinum screws. If you never hear from us again, you can presume that such an experiment was successful, and that we will be living out our days on some manner of superyacht.
Conclusion
We have performed the first comprehensive characterisation of a physical phenomenon previously unknown to science: that of spontaneous helicogenesis. Our findings will shake the standard model of particle physics to its core, and likely reshape our understanding of dark matter. That being said, our kettle still doesn’t work, our bedframe collapsed and the car just blew a head gasket, so we don’t feel all that special at the moment.
Notes and references
1. Note: while the specific problem preventing the kettle from functioning could not be identified, we were able to ascertain the root cause of malfunctions in household appliances generally, which is that they’re built like fucking shit these days.
2. Note: this may go some way to explaining why they keep falling out of the sky at the moment.