Technology for the new Space Force uniform didn’t even exist 10 years ago!

The wait is finally over, the newest branch of the U. S. Military has announced what their members will be called and wear (which is obviously more important than what they will “do”). The Guardians now have finally joined the family of Soldiers, Sailors, Airman, Marines and puddle pirates with headquarters at Patrick AFB, Florida. And with the passage of the newest defense budget, the Space Force is receiving $4B in funding for renovations.

The uniform for the space force is another matter entirely. It must be able to protect the wearer and maintain functional in space for a small amount of guardians and be comfortable while monitoring a satellite in a remote location in Australia for the rest. With the new Biden and Elon Musk combined Ultra high ground moon base, mars refueling station and combination KFC-Taco bell proposed for 2028, the uniforms can’t just use FOBBIT Camo and stay hidden from the moon worms.

Proposed Biden space force moon base and mars refueling station
Proposed Biden space force moon base and mars refueling station

They may have found their new home, but their uniforms are out of this world. Say hello to the WJ-42 T-type F or affectionately called the WTF. A team of military strategist, Fédération française de la couture (Paris Fashion Week), and top Google Execs spent 3 weeks at the Defense Innovation Unit (DIU) campus in Silicon Valley coming up with the new uniform design. With a $30M budget, a team of coffee grabbing unpaid interns, and the best talent in the industry, they came up with the following designs.

Space Force Evening Ware
Space Force Evening Ware

The first release is the Evening-Formal Ware. Aside from its haute couture label and fashion-forward style, what really makes this uniform stand out from the rest is its high tech features. Donning these threads will provide you with up to 100 Rad-down of radiation protection; great for work on plutonium reactors or just everyday protection from 5G poisoning. You’ll also find an effluvium-channel port adapter in the back for those long space expeditions. Sewn into each lapel is an Apple Air-pods case for a total of 4 pods in the likely chance you accidently drop one in the toilet at the Burger King off Hwy A1A next to the Chase Bank (and you can’t just buy 1 Air-pod replacement, they make you buy 2 at a ridiculous price, so you’re left with 3 Air-pod at the end of day… which sucks).

Space Force members eating at the chow hall in their Utility Uniforms
Space Force members eating at the chow hall in their Utility Uniforms

The second release will be the Utility Uniform or “Light Suit”. This uniform is ideal for changing the hyperspace-lube on large fusion drives, or impressing users at the local libations cafe. However, it’s true purpose is for combat against the programs at the Game Grid.

The style of these uniforms are not lost to technocrats though, the fashionistas have been going crazy over the new look.

“Fashion is the armor to survive everyday space travel, I can see myself rocking this uniform in the outer rings of Saturn or the catwalk of DC Fashion Week… I’m NOT too sexy for this uniform” — Neil deGrasse Tyson

“The effluvium-channel port and 5G protection are nice, but what I’m really excited about are the moon boots. Step aside Paris and Milan, fashion is a’ commin’ to Patrick AFB!” — Maj Gen Eric Heathman, Assistant Chief of Staff for Bold Looks, USSF

Maj Gen Heathman is likely referencing the Napoleon Dynamite inspired footwear which is expected to be part of a later revision of the uniform. Whether you’re a lover or a hater of these new uniforms, you’re going to be seeing a lot more of it… In the word of the great Bill Nye “The future is now, old man!”

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Published by S Rohrenjean

S. Rohrenjean is an Aerospace Engineer who has specialized in Canard Aesthetics and Reynolds Determinacy. With essentially a minor in Business Ethics, he began his professional endeavors as an undergrad selling access to his hoard of previous semesters Aero exams. Success came easy as most Aero professors concern themselves with the internal dialog of "why didn't I become a EE?" and "EE isn't real engineering, plasma induced laminar flow will change the world!", and thus never change their exam questions. Now, as an unemployed engineer who can explain in detail every aspect of Kutta condition but can't code "hello world" in anything but Matlab, he is working on the only true career progression of an Aero Engineer, tenure track professor.

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