Nuclear Applications of Gogurt and other 90’s Nostalgia

Richard Goddard, PhD1 and Richard Fermi, PhD2

1 Department of Electronic Arts, Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA

2 Department of Nuclear Sociology, Cranberry-Lemon University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA 


Why do most people poo-poo nuclear energy? It’s not due to the potential for meltdowns or radioactive waste seeping into a large aquifer in the Sahara Desert [1], though guised as such. Instead it is because there is no nostalgia to warm the battered people of today’s hearts. It’s difficult to advocate for a near perfect solution to our energy crisis when it was never referenced by the Spice Girls, Rugrats, or the Goonies. Well, our team has discovered a way to inject this objectively neutral and boring feat of human engineering with nostalgia while also greatly improving the energy production and efficiency of modern nuclear power plants. 

Keywords: Nostalgia, Nuclear Engineering, Let’s Just Blade, Gogurt, Borated Water

1. Introduction

Proposals for the grant that wrote this article stem from a potential catastrophe. On October 5th 2019, an unpaid “technician” (C-average Undergraduate Nuclear Engineering Student looking to boost his overall grade in Nuclear Safety 204 by “volunteering” to monitor a fuel cycle)  at the Cranberry Lemon AGN-201M Nuclear Reactor Site  almost caused a meltdown. While absentmindedly scrolling through instagram food pics, he managed to leave the protection of the control and wandered into the reactor (after grabbing lunch he dropped off in the lounge fridge). Like something out of the Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup Creation commercial [2] he comedically dropped his Gogurt into the reactor water. Almost instantly alarms started to sound as the chamber went near supercritical as the heat efficiency and  neutron density skyrocketed due to this new addition. 

The accidental discovery of this Nuclear Physics phenomenon has led to a new field of study and eventual implementation of other 90’s Kids nostalgia into modern nuclear power plants. No longer will you think of nuclear plants as the cold Soviet post bloc draconian wastelands, but instead they will feel like a Fun Dip snorting, Nickelodeon-ish, Wonka Chocolate Factory. 

2. Gogurt Reactor & Heat Exchanger

Our research team decided to step through the analysis of this new application in the same sequence that energy flows through a modern nuclear power plant. The Department of Energy granted a temporary waiver for our team to fill a Uranium 235 reactor at the Cranberry Lemon University Nuclear Experimentation Site in New York City full of 26,578 Gogurt SqueeZ ™. 23 of the 57 14-ft fuel rods were removed from the reactor which usually operates at 1250 MWth at 79% efficiency. On July 13th 2019, upon the addition of Gogurt SqueeZ, which had to be carefully swapped with traditional borated water using an advanced machine called the BWSS, the reactor quickly reached and held 3052 MWth at 85% efficiency. 

Figure 1. Borated Water to SqueeZ Swapper (image courtesy of SuessBlog)

Figure 1. Borated Water to SqueeZ Swapper (image courtesy of SuessBlog)

The turbine generator quickly spiked it’s output to the grid and the subsequent power surge blew out the substations in the West Side of Manhattan (73,000 people). With that thermal power level and no increase in flow rate to the heat exchanger, the SqueeZ quickly curdled and creme-bruleed. That much melted sugar and flavored cream quickly added more to the chaos by attracting every Oompa-Loompa within a 10 mile radius (approximately 120 in that area of New York). The research team had to sit through a 30 minute chastising song and dance number which every verse started with “oompa loompa, doopidy-doo, manipulating atoms is a dumb thing to do”. 

3. Baja Blast Turbine Generator

In order to utilize the new increase in efficiency from SqueeZ, with thermal conductivity of 0.9 W/m-K ( 0.3 W/m-k above borated water), the super-Q water that in the turbine generator had to be replaced. It was determined that only one liquid could handle such radical temperatures and pressures, the Taco Bell’s Baja Blast. 

At 68e^3 hectopascals the Baja Blast chemical elements go through a significant change. The glucose molecules violently bind to the sodium citrate creating a compound referred to in the scientific and rollerblading community as the “Pre-Shred Juice”. Unbeknownst to, and likely never harnessed by any rollerblader except for Andy “Brink” Brinker and the Soul-Skaters in their race against the notorious Team X-Bladz, at 71e^3 the Pre-Shred Juice reacts with the ingredients Yellow-5 and Blue-1 and releases carbon monoxide and 2 electrons. The carbon monoxide increases the pressure and energy in the chamber well above that of just super-Q steam (76% increase in pressure at 3052 MWth). 

Figure 2. First known utilization of the Pre-Shred Juice (sodium glucose citrate compound)

Figure 2. First known utilization of the Pre-Shred Juice (sodium glucose citrate compound)

With the release of the electrons, the superheated Baja Blast has an even more electron blue glow and has a taste similar to Red Bull mixed with Gasoline. Due to the exclusive rights of the Baja Blast, each gallon of Baja Blast delivered to the reactor came with a free taco twelve pack. The good kind with the doritos locos hard shell tacos. 

4. Capri-Sun Cooling Tower

Post Turbine Generator, the Baja Blast has to be filtered through another heat exchanger. This heat exchanger converts most of the energy from the super heated Baja Blast to a large reservoir of Capri-Sun, a less viscous and corrosive liquid. Specifically “liquid cool” Capri-Sun was chosen due to its non-newtonian properties and self awareness [3]. 

Various cooling tower architectures were analyzed and optimized for this new end stage of energy production. It was determined that the best shape for the cooling tower was a 50% hollowed cylinder, unlike the full cylinder design of water cooled plants. 

Figure 3. New Capri-Sun Cooling Tower Design. 

Figure 3. New Capri-Sun Cooling Tower Design.

This new cooling tower design has attracted the local youth which has led to an increase in hospitalizations for concussions and fractured arms; an accepted risk for the reward of near perfect energy efficiency. 

5. Conclusion

With slight modifications to the heat exchanger, piping, and cooling towers, our team recommends that every nuclear power plant be converted to what is being dubbed the “Totally Tubular Configuration”. The data displayed below was collected at the same reactor/generator in the traditional configuration and the Totally Tubular configuration. 

Traditional Totally Tubular
Energy59 MW/lb-235U81 MW/lb-235U
1990’s References70

As climate uncertainties continue to increase and rolling blackouts become more frequent due to everyone staying home to stream Disney Plus and migratory government drones [4], this breakthrough in nuclear energy technology may be what saves our civilization. 


  1. Eisner, Breck, director. Sahara . Performance by Mathew McConaughey, Paramount Pictures , 2005.
  2. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups . “Hey You Got Peanut Butter in My Chocolate.” Napster BitTornent, 1981,
  3. Capri Sun. “Liquid Cool”, Nickelodeon (after Rocket Power),1998.
  4. McGraw, B. “Adaptive Smart Grids for Migratory Government Drones.” Journal of Astrological Big Data Ecology, 17 Dec. 2020,

If you enjoyed this article please like, share, and subscribe with your email, our twitter handle (@JABDE6), or our facebook group here for weekly content.

Published by S Rohrenjean

S. Rohrenjean is an Aerospace Engineer who has specialized in Canard Aesthetics and Reynolds Determinacy. With essentially a minor in Business Ethics, he began his professional endeavors as an undergrad selling access to his hoard of previous semesters Aero exams. Success came easy as most Aero professors concern themselves with the internal dialog of "why didn't I become a EE?" and "EE isn't real engineering, plasma induced laminar flow will change the world!", and thus never change their exam questions. Now, as an unemployed engineer who can explain in detail every aspect of Kutta condition but can't code "hello world" in anything but Matlab, he is working on the only true career progression of an Aero Engineer, tenure track professor.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: